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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Robintakeover · 03/03/2021 17:04

I’d be tempted to tell him your pleased he’s managed to find some extra money and ask him when your gifts arriving

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 17:08

A few years ago I kept asking if we could have a date night and he would always respond that we can't afford it. Then he went out on a night out with his mates and spent more than a date night would cost, and I was a little hurt and told him straight that it upset me, and he said sorry and that he would make more of an effort to do date night (he never did though). He doesn't mean it in a malicious way, he just doesn't think

Ugh. So he hears you, understands you, and then pays passing lip service to your feelings to shut you up, before dismissing them.

What's your relationship like otherwise? Is he attentive to your needs?

littlepattilou · 03/03/2021 17:08

Not gonna lie, whether this is OTT or not, I would be looking for a gateway out of this relationship... NOW.

He sounds like a selfish, entitled prick.

And he will not change.

He will always keep his money to himself, and will always prioritise himself over you, and any babies you have with him.

I have seen WAY too many women in toxic relationships with entitled selfish narcissistic, self-absorbed men. They are practically kept in penury. Meanwhile he keeps all his money to himself, to fund his fancy car, his social life, his flash clothes, and his expensive hobbies; whilst never lifting a finger in the house.

@Goodytoshoes Bin him. I'm not kidding. Start to map out your life with just you and your DC. You may as well. he has already checked out of the family.

IdblowJonSnow · 03/03/2021 17:10

OP your update re date night doesn't sound good at all. He doesn't respect you and constantly puts himself and his needs first.
What are you getting out of this relationship?

Viviennemary · 03/03/2021 17:10

It's about expectations. A lot of people just get a card.

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 17:11

@Viviennemary

It's about expectations. A lot of people just get a card.
You've missed the point.
Confusedandshaken · 03/03/2021 17:13

I'd talk to him. There could be a reasonable explanation. At the very least an honest conversation might make him realise he is being selfish.

Don't play silly passive aggressive games. They won't make you happier or improve communication within your marriage.

therealteamdebbie · 03/03/2021 17:13

@Viviennemary

It's about expectations. A lot of people just get a card.
so what? Many posters (and their MIL!) are VERY strong on cards. Each to their own.
LockdownIsDragging · 03/03/2021 17:14

Well wait till the day itself and then make sure he gets a gift similar to yours when Father’s Day comes around. For me Mother’s Day is more about being appreciated for all you do so for example if you are usually the one who cooks, cleans up etc you should have your feet up on the day while others do all that. It makes more sense when the children are old enough to bring you a mug of cold tea in bed (which you have to drink whilst making yummy sounds).

Viviennemary · 03/03/2021 17:14

I missed the point. I agree.

Twinkie01 · 03/03/2021 17:17

I have no sympathy for you. You are being a doormat and enabling him to completely take you for granted.

He loves his jacket!! How about the mother of his child???

He has loads of jackets but prioritised another over you.

2020nymph · 03/03/2021 17:17

He is a shit!

Don't let it fester @Goodytoshoes tell him today that you are hurt that he said he couldn't afford your MD gift but could get himself another jacket.

Luffsmypup · 03/03/2021 17:18

I’d be fuming.
Bet if you were to kick off, sulk or even try to have a reasonable conversation about how he could manage to afford to buy himself things / nights out but you nothing, he would twist it that you were over reacting or being a nag etc.
Just me, but I would be upset if Mothers Day wasn’t recognised in some small way, seeing how I chase after everybody’s arses all the time.
He’s a prick.
Apologies for the bad language if you are offended, but today I’ve got lockdown rage.

StellaWol · 03/03/2021 17:18

Just buy what you wanted for yourself! It’s from your child anyway?

Bibidy · 03/03/2021 17:21

I think definitely wait until after Mother's Day as he may be planning to surprise you so wanted to put you off the scent with the comment about not being able to afford anything.

After that, if he doesn't come through, definitely speak to him about this jacket and see what he says.

vixeyann · 03/03/2021 17:22

This is shit - call him out on it. It's the lack of thought. A bunch of daffs and a box of chocolates are less than a fiver. I do despair at how thoughtless people's significant others can be sometimes.

Hugoslavia · 03/03/2021 17:22

Personally I think that, if young children do give gifts for mother's Day, it should be something that they have made or chosen themselves. They should feel excited about giving you their gift. To choose something that you want yourself and get your husband to get it for you, especially not even on mother's Day, just reduces it to commercialism. Home made breakfast in bed, a handpicked bunch of flowers and a homemade card is far better imo.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 17:26

It's not about the present, mother's day, home made cards. It's about "We do not have £20 for the thing you want. We do mysteriously have £35 for the thing I want."

WannabemoreWeaver · 03/03/2021 17:27

He doesn't mean it in a malicious way, he just doesn't think!

Thats the issue really, isnt it? He only thinks about himself. But is in a marriage. Definitely needs to be discussed at some point.

leftistbimbo · 03/03/2021 17:27

I’d be pissed off too. If it was running trainers I would maybe have let him off as you need suitable footwear for exercise, but a jacket? He could wear any old jumper to go running in, plus spring is on the way & he won’t even need the jacket when the weather warms up.

Here’s hoping he can at least organise a card from the DC and a day of relaxation for you for MD!

Chloemol · 03/03/2021 17:30

Bringing this up with him seems the only reasonable solution, but I'll wait until after mother day because I don't want to put pressure on him to buy something if he really can't afford it, and I don't want to make him send the jacket back because it seems cruel when I know he loves it

Just says it all, you are a pushover. He has hurt you, told you there was no money, spends it on himself when it’s not necessary and you think it’s cruel to ask him to send the jacket back!

You have mug written all over your face

comingintomyown · 03/03/2021 17:31

Well I do think a present from a baby is a bit pointless unless he had surprised you with something which would have been lovely. Since you did want him to get something though that is very poor behaviour to say he can’t afford it then order himself a jacket.
I had a very selfish XH , I’m afraid he probably won’t change in fact it will likely worsen.

Pumpkinpied · 03/03/2021 17:33

Did you buy for him on the occasions he didn’t bother for you?

52andblue · 03/03/2021 17:35

@idontlikealdi

I can't quite get on board with expecting a gift from a ten month old

BUT he's been a twat. Buy yourself whatever the gift is and don't get him anything for father's day.

I had a number of misc and a lot of IVF and my first 'Mother's Day' meant a lot to me. It sounds like this is the OP's first MD too so maybe it means a lot to her too?

I got toast and a 99p bunch of daffs if I recall but I got something and didn't have to ask. OP, your partner is being selfish. He has form by the sounds of it. You shouldn't have to organise your own MD whether it's a bunch of daffs and a homemade card or a £100 gift.
I'd wait until after MD too (in case he's done something thoughtful, tho sounds unlikely). I'd not bother with Father's Day or his Bday tbh. Perhaps he needs to experience how it feels to not be acknowledged as important in the relationship?
I hope you have a nice time on the 14th cuddling your small person x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2021 17:36

Although I’ve agreed up thread that he’s being selfish and unkind, I do agree the best Mother’s Day presents cost nothing.

The best Mother’s Day present is obviously a lie in so make sure you at least get that! And he needs to do something like make a card with the baby’s finger print on or something thoughtful.

It’s all a way of showing you that you are appreciated and matter. Doesn’t matter how that’s achieved.

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