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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
eeyore228 · 03/03/2021 18:09

Has he actually not got you anything though? Mother's day isn't here yet so unless you can categorically state 100% he isn't/hasnt got you anything, you could end up looking mean.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2021 18:10

youre being a pushover op-why are you waiting till after md to say something

hes jsut spent his money on himself and told you hes got none

ProfessionalWeirdo · 03/03/2021 18:11

It's not about the present, mother's day, home made cards. It's about "We do not have £20 for the thing you want. We do mysteriously have £35 for the thing I want."

This.

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 18:11

@Missdotty

I think another poster had it right, tell him he can count the jacket as a father's Day present to himself, and you buy yourself the thing you want. When it's father's Day he gets a card and the kids make him breakfast. Everyone's happy and you're not out of pocket. I really think that's the best solution.

Fwiw, my husband and I buy ourselves our own presents from each other. I prefer that to getting something I don't want, so suggested it and it actually works really really well for us.

I don't think he'll care, will he? He'll be off the hook, and that's what he wants. A lack of Father's Day present is unlikely to concern him. He's not going to be pining over all the gifts he might have had, is he. He'll just go out with the lads.

This is a passive aggressive solution that doesn't deal with the issue. OP is unhappy that her stated wishes are being disregarded in her relationship. The Mother's Day gift is an example, not the whole problem. Not buying him a Father's Day present doesn't even make sense as a solution.

MerryDecembermas · 03/03/2021 18:11

You lost me on page 1 OP where you say he claimed no money for date night then went out and spent on drinking with his mates.

You are making excuses for him. He does know. He does think. You don't mean much to him, that's all. Have a think about why you're so keen to make excuses for him.

Luffsmypup · 03/03/2021 18:12

Where on earth are the husbands/partners of some posters here picking the free flowers from?? I can’t see how my neighbours would be too impressed to see my hairy arsed partner picking the snowdrops from their front garden 😀
Also, OP just go ahead and buy the thing you wanted, and then dare him to say something about it.

ivykaty44 · 03/03/2021 18:13

well treat yourself to something really nice at the beginning of June and then pleased poverty for the rest of the month.....

CheltenhamLady · 03/03/2021 18:13

@Lochmorlich

Its a sad fact that if you put yourself last then so will your dh and eventually your dc too. You're too nice and thats not a compliment. People treat you how you allow them to.
People treat you how you allow them to

This OP.

Wanderlust20 · 03/03/2021 18:13

I'd be annoyed too! It costs nothing to get the kids to make something, or show he cares some other way, eg as you said planning a nice day for you to watch movies, or go for a walk etc.

Clymene · 03/03/2021 18:15

Say something now. You pushed his baby out of your vagina and he is treating himself rather than you.

Looking into my magic ball, I can see that you do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning, nappy changing and night waking. But he's a great dad, amiright?

ConkerBonkers · 03/03/2021 18:17

Eckhart nothing passive aggressive about it, could be a win win solution.

Wanderlust20 · 03/03/2021 18:17

Also someone said that it's a bit silly to get annoyed at not getting a present from your 10 month old but this is not the point - it's your FIRST Mother's Day and I bet you were feeling quite excited/emotional about it! I'm pregnant just now and I can't wait to get a card next year Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2021 18:21

OP, you say that 'he doesn't think'. That is NOT true. He does think. He thinks of what HE wants and does it, no bother at all. It's when YOU want something that he abdicates his thinking process. And you excuse it. That is your mistake.

You say he does this at Christmas. And you tell him it's ok by thought, word and deed, being angry and upset silently.

How long are you going to accept this mal treatment of you? It's not that I rate Mother's Day, Valentine's Day or any of the other consumer-driven hype but, it matters to you. He should love and care for you and it should therefore matter to him. It doesn't.

I'll say it again. Your wishes do not matter to him. What are you going to do about it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/03/2021 18:21

" I will absolutely be confronting him about it, but I'm going to wait until after mother day."

Why, @Goodytoshoes? Why wait? That makes no sense at all. That jacket arrived today, so TODAY is when you raise the matter? And it's really simple to do so.

All you have to do is say to him

"If you can't afford to get me a gift for Mother's Day, how come you can afford to buy yourself a jacket costing almost twice as much? JUST WHERE AM I IN YOUR PRIORITIES? BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT'S LOOKING AS IF I AM LESS IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN A JACKET."

See? Really simple. And absolutely necessary that you do so, because right now you are behaving like a doormat.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2021 18:23

The 'pushed HIS baby out of your vagina', gave birth to HIS baby' is really annoying and trite though. Unless OP is a surrogate she gave birth to their wanted baby.

Bibidy · 03/03/2021 18:24

I don't think you can be sure he hasn't got you what you wanted, or something else, until the day.

I wouldn't bring it up until you're sure he's bought himself this jacket and nothing for you. He genuinely may be trying to surprise you.

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 18:24

@Missdotty

Eckhart nothing passive aggressive about it, could be a win win solution.
Except that OP wouldn't win. She's upset that her needs got dismissed, not that she doesn't now own the item she wanted.

You are suggesting that she deal with the practical side of this problem, and everybody's needs will be met. It's like if somebody said 'My boyfriend forgot my birthday and has arranged to go out with the lads', and you suggesting that the solution to make everybody happy would be for her to take herself out for dinner with romantic candles and wine, and he goes out with the lads as planned. Voila! Everybody happy! No? No. It's an emotional issue, not a practical one. We could all buy our own presents. It's not the point.

Did you mean win-win as in 'he gets what he wants and OP chooses to suppress her feelings, so nobody is complaining any more?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2021 18:24

@WhereYouLeftIt

" I will absolutely be confronting him about it, but I'm going to wait until after mother day."

Why, @Goodytoshoes? Why wait? That makes no sense at all. That jacket arrived today, so TODAY is when you raise the matter? And it's really simple to do so.

All you have to do is say to him

"If you can't afford to get me a gift for Mother's Day, how come you can afford to buy yourself a jacket costing almost twice as much? JUST WHERE AM I IN YOUR PRIORITIES? BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT'S LOOKING AS IF I AM LESS IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN A JACKET."

See? Really simple. And absolutely necessary that you do so, because right now you are behaving like a doormat.

Yes. Do this. If you leave it you will look like a martyr - and he will tell you so (and be right). Don't give him that. Let him see how annoyed and hurt you are - today. Today is the right day.
SugarfreeBlitz · 03/03/2021 18:25

YANBU So sorry Flowers What a shit!

You know what to do when it's Father's Day! ;)

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 18:26

@WhereYouLeftIt

Why wait? Because he might have bought her the present she asked for. Really she needs to know whether he has or not before she goes all CAPITALS on him.

See? Really simple.

thecatsthecats · 03/03/2021 18:30

If you wait until Mother's Day it will just fester.

I've had the "expectations" chat with my husband a couple of times about gifts - I had a lockdown birthday and made it clear that I really would like a fuss made to cheer me up. He sulked a bit that my assumption was thst he wouldn't make a fuss, but then sheepishly admitted thst his plans were a bit of a damp squib even by lockdown standards.

Ditto for Christmas - he felt bad that my presents weren't as good as the ones I got him. He bought me a pen afterwards after I pointed out that I had asked for that and he admitted that he remembered that.

The difference between him and your partner OP?

Trying and getting it wrong is VERY different to actively deciding that your wants consistently rank lower than his.

Eckhart · 03/03/2021 18:32

If you wait until Mother's Day it will just fester

How will OP know he hasn't got her the present if she tries to deal with this beforehand?

Tubs11 · 03/03/2021 18:37

but its not mothers day yet

he could be planning something personal for all you know

Last year I got a handmade book from my daughter, which she made with her daddy, it was the sweetest thing ever and meant more to me then some hallmark card or commercial gift

Milliepossum · 03/03/2021 18:40

OP, you’re getting screwed over, he’s conditioned you to expect nothing and to feel you don’t deserve anything. A good husband would want to make you feel special. Yours doesn’t want to make you feel special because he simply doesn’t care about you. I’ve been there, the excuses like ‘Valentines day is too commercial, retail just wants to guilt people into spending money’, before Xmas ‘we’ve got these bills in January, presents for kids have cost this much, you don’t want a present do you?’, all said while randomly throughout the year spending thousands on Apple products for himself. After he died I discovered he was buying his whores jewellery and other things for Xmas and their birthdays. When I asked him what he had planned for my first Mother’s Day which was a few weeks after my first baby was born, he said ‘nothing, you’re not my mother’. Don’t be me OP, you deserve better than a selfish asshole.

ConkerBonkers · 03/03/2021 18:45

Eckhart I totally think op needs to address this with her do, and could voice the practical solution of buying own gifts from now on and that the jacket should count as father's Day present as dp is broke. Absolutely she should say she's unhappy about not being prioritised. Why on earth wouldn't she.