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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:49

@BrumBoo

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

I'm going to say this as nicely as possible. It's not about 'begrudging' him a new jacket, it's about him saying there's no spare money for gifts and such then spends nearly twice as much on something unnecessary on himself.

There's a few ways you can deal with this. Wait until MD itself and then tell him you're disappointed if he still hasn't got you anything. Tell him today that you are rather annoyed that he's claimed money is too tight for a gift, yet he's bought himself something when it could have waited. Or play the long game and do exactly the same to him come Father's Day. Personally I'd have gone option 2, and told him as soon as it arrived that you're surprised and a bit cross that you can't expect anything for bringing his child into this world, but he can find the funds to go do his hobby.

I suspect you will go for the other option though, be a bit of a martyr and not confronted him at all about it

Thank you. I will absolutely be confronting him about it, but I'm going to wait until after mother day.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/03/2021 16:50

This is not on, no.

Your DH is prioritising himself over you in a very unkind and selfish way.

I think you should just buy the thing you want for yourself with joint money, and also separately explain why you feel very hurt by his behaviour.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 16:50

What he's really saying, of course, is "I don't want to spend the spare money that we do have on things that are not for me'. Selfish arse.

Hilda40 · 03/03/2021 16:51

Are you his mother?

HoneysuckIejasmine · 03/03/2021 16:51

Oh dear OP, you need to find some self respect. He's treating you like a doormat and you feel bad for him?!

I appythings can be delicate emotionally when you've just had a baby but this sounds like a long running issue?

pumpkinpig · 03/03/2021 16:51

Surely if he has “lots of jackets” he can either send this one back or sell the old ones so he can buy you a gift?

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:52

@picklemewalnuts

You aren't unreasonable. It hold be hard to raise it without sounding it, though. You could ask if he's keeping it, as you know how hard up he is. Or you could get it for yourself, from the kids.

How do you manage finances?
Basically he's said his running gear is more important than a present for the mother of his D.C.

We manage them separately. I get the less expensive things as I'm on maternity leave and don't get much money, and he pays for the more expensive stuff. When I'm back to work the bills will be split more evenly as I'll be making more.
OP posts:
BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 16:53

So he does this at Christmas and such as well? Sorry @Goodytoshoes, but you are really wet about this. I thought this was the first instance and the OP read like you were on your way to martyrdom, but seems you long set up camp there. If it was my partner who had form for saying there was no money but then spent it on himself, this would have been the last straw for me. I would have been very pissed off as soon as he opened the jacket.

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:53

@Usagi12

It's not ok, you need to look after yourself because he's not going to. Whatever the gift was you wanted please order it for yourself today xx
You know what? I think I bloody well will!! Lol thank you xx
OP posts:
BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 16:54

@Hilda40

Are you his mother?
@Hilda40 what kind of silly question is this?
Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:55

@StephenBelafonte

How old are your kids?
My DC is 10 months old
OP posts:
JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 03/03/2021 16:56

Are you fucking kidding me? He loves the jacket so you won't ask him to send it back??

No date night but nights out with lads?

No presents at Christmas?

You have allowed this man to treat you like are completely worthless. Have some respect and stand up for yourself. You are a valuable member of the family and the woman he has chosen to be his life partner. He needs to show you the respect you deserve. God this kind of crap makes me FURIOUS!!Angry

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 16:57

@BrumBoo Quite. I've just told 2 year old DS that he'll need to go to the supermarket as Card Factory is closed.

idontlikealdi · 03/03/2021 16:57

I can't quite get on board with expecting a gift from a ten month old

BUT he's been a twat. Buy yourself whatever the gift is and don't get him anything for father's day.

Original poster
Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:58

@BrumBoo

So he does this at Christmas and such as well? Sorry *@Goodytoshoes*, but you are really wet about this. I thought this was the first instance and the OP read like you were on your way to martyrdom, but seems you long set up camp there. If it was my partner who had form for saying there was no money but then spent it on himself, this would have been the last straw for me. I would have been very pissed off as soon as he opened the jacket.
Tbh I didn't even really think about it at first, I was just pleased that he got a jacket that he liked.

But then I was looking at the thing I wanted for mothers day on line, and it occurred to me that he did have money, but chose to spend it elsewhere. What does "you sound wet" mean? Sorry, not familiar with the lingo.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 03/03/2021 16:59

Please don't tell me you buy him Christmas presents after what he pulled?

I wouldn't show him you bought the £20 item, it lets him off the hook, as he will just say I didn't buy it because I saw you already bought it.

BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 16:59

[quote Ellpellwood]@BrumBoo Quite. I've just told 2 year old DS that he'll need to go to the supermarket as Card Factory is closed.[/quote]
Aye, I've done similar for my young children to get their father a 'Happy Birthday Daddy' card later this month. Their father, their problem obviously!

Radio4Rocks · 03/03/2021 16:59

He's a prick, OP. Buy it for yourself.

titchy · 03/03/2021 17:00

I know he won't get anything from experience on Christmas' etc. I'm normally fine with it.

Well that's why you're getting nothing and he's got a nice new jacket. Don't be fine with it. Value yourself.

therealteamdebbie · 03/03/2021 17:01

Thank you. I will absolutely be confronting him about it, but I'm going to wait until after mother day.

why? It's a relationship, not a playground fight. Tell him now.

It doesn't matter if posters think gifts from a 10 months old are ridiculous or not, it matters to YOU. So.. speak with your partner.

Waiting until it's too late to make sure you have an argument and something to be resentful about, and keep mentioning for the next few years..is stupid. That would make both of you as bad as each other.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 17:01

Wet = wimpy, underconfident, a pushover.

Sahm101 · 03/03/2021 17:02

You sound wet, passive and a complete walkover op. You are constantly making up excuses for his shitty treatment of you. he just doesn't think
Well he could think to buy himself a jacket at the same time telling you he has no money.He knows full well you will just simper along and accept it.
You should absolutely tell him how it makes you feel. And not in an apologizing, trying to please him way.
I would be more upset that this would be the second time you need to talk to him about this same issue. He clearly doesn't care to make an effort for you.

Outbutnotoutout · 03/03/2021 17:02

A few years ago I kept asking if we could have a date night and he would always respond that we can't afford it. Then he went out on a night out with his mates and spent more than a date night would cost, and I was a little hurt and told him straight that it upset me, and he said sorry and that he would make more of an effort to do date night (he never did though). He doesn't mean it in a malicious way, he just doesn't think!

He is thoughtless and inconsiderate and your not high on his priorities

therealteamdebbie · 03/03/2021 17:03

There's nothing less attractive than a martyr attitude. Speak up now. Don't wait until you are sure the day is ruined to then start moaning. What's the bloody point of that?

BrumBoo · 03/03/2021 17:04

@Ellpellwood

Wet = wimpy, underconfident, a pushover.
And a doormat. It may not be you, op but it's certainly how he sees you with this attitude.