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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 03/03/2021 23:23

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

He absolutely doesn’t need to share monies,nor do you. It’s not compulsory On mn sharing money,one account,access to a man money is seen as proof of so called proper relationship Frankly I’d recommend keep finances separate. Yours remain yours

It’s his Money he’s entitled to spend as he wish.as are you
What you actually need is an equitable prorata finances

I think separate accounts are absolutely necessary, too, but there has to be some kind of sharing finances (as you say, on an equitable basis) too - and that really doesn't seem to be happening here.

RedSoloCup · 03/03/2021 23:32

Men are fuckwits

I remember myself and friend (we both have 15 year olds now) being hugely disappointed our first Mother's Day as apparently we're not their mums!! So got us nothing.....

Oh have they learnt in Proceeding years lol

alsodetoxing · 03/03/2021 23:45

Oh god- all the 'i just want a homemade card' brigade. It's about being appreciated.

There is nothing that says I appreciate you like a homemade card and appalling pottery from your child on Mother's Day. Nothing else is a thing. If your child is too small to know it's Mother's Day, it's not intuitive that someone else is supposed to be showing spontaneous appreciation by choosing the gift assigned to them by the recipient on behalf of a baby. Babies are notoriously selfish, anyway. I couldn't take it seriously.

I remember spending my first Mother's Day feeling like my baby was the most amazing gift ever. I appreciated her. I appreciated myself for ensuring our mutual survival. I don't remember finding anyone else very interesting that day and can't see how putting honey paste on my skin would have added anything to the day.

abstractprojection · 04/03/2021 00:10

I would focus less on the money and gift and more on your perfectly normal and reasonable need to feel occasionally speaks and appreciated both in your relationship and in your role as a mother. And the importance of your child learning to appreciate and make others feel special by watching their parents do so for each other

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 04/03/2021 01:00

Bloody hell people. Just because you are happy with a small bunch of daffs and a cup of tea in bed, doesn't mean the OP is wrong in wanting something different. Its not like she is asking for a bloody diamond bracelet, just a small gift and a bit of love and consideration.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 01:26

alwayscrashing I'm in the daffs-and-a-cup-of-tea brigade, but I think the OP is entitled to love, consideration, and an equitable distribution of finances all through the year, not just on Mother's Day!

The DP is taking the piss.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2021 02:59

I don't want to put pressure on him to buy something if he really can't afford it, and I don't want to make him send the jacket back because it seems cruel when I know he loves it.

WTAF! Have you always been a doormat or is this a recent development. Clearly money isn’t the issue but his priorities are.

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 03:17

@RedSoloCup

Men are fuckwits

I remember myself and friend (we both have 15 year olds now) being hugely disappointed our first Mother's Day as apparently we're not their mums!! So got us nothing.....

Oh have they learnt in Proceeding years lol

What did you get them for fathers day?

Sapho47 · 04/03/2021 03:20

*No presents at Christmas?

You have allowed this man to treat you like are completely worthless.*

Because its 1955 and a woman is only as valuable as the gifts a man buys her!

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 04/03/2021 07:18

It’s mn bingo
All’s I wants is a handmade card and wilted flowers✅
It’s your fault op, you’re a doormat✅
All Men are fuckwit✅
You’re a goddess who birthed a baby HIS baby from your holy tunnel. He should shower you with unicorn dust and lancome✅
If you had joint bank account that’d sort this. You must have access to his money immediately✅

Goatinthegarden · 04/03/2021 07:18

I can’t help but wonder why no one has asked what the £20 gift is yet.

I think the important factor here is whether OP has money available that she could spend on herself like DH clearly does.

I tend to be quite practically minded and I don’t like the whole adults giving presents/cards on specific days fiasco. DH and I don’t buy each other gifts on Christmas, birthday, etc, I’m not being sanctimonious, but I don’t see presents as equalling love. I see it in the way he treats me day to day. Having said that, we both have access to the funds to buy ourselves things when we need, and want them, so maybe that’s a factor in my attitude.

Putting myself in your husbands shoes, if you wanted say an ornament and money was tight, I might ask if we could leave it til later, but I might still think a (relatively cheap) running jacket whilst it’s still cold (it was 2*, dark and raining on my run this morning in Scotland, I wore a winter zip up) was more of a priority.

If you had also wanted something necessary or practical, and didn’t have the means to buy it yourself, I would think he was being mean prioritising himself.

Really, you need to speak to him about how you feel and get yourselves on the same page.

BrumBoo · 04/03/2021 07:20

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

It’s mn bingo All’s I wants is a handmade card and wilted flowers✅ It’s your fault op, you’re a doormat✅ All Men are fuckwit✅ You’re a goddess who birthed a baby HIS baby from your holy tunnel. He should shower you with unicorn dust and lancome✅ If you had joint bank account that’d sort this. You must have access to his money immediately✅

Very good. We all know MD threads go. Anything useful to add?

LoveYourUsername · 04/03/2021 07:34

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1

Mothers day is when your child shows their love. It used to be called Mothering Sunday and still is in the church calendar.

It used to be a holiday for children working in service so they could go home and see their mum

The whole thing has become so money orientated it's really sad.

The buying of the unnecessary jacket when he says you have no money isn't good but is a different issue.

Maybe times have changed but people my age never asked for gifts for MD or expected them until their kids were old enough to go shopping with an adult and buy a tiny gift, or make one.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 04/03/2021 07:45

This isn’t about the child.it’s about op partner pointedly ignoring op modest request for a Mother’s Day gift
Back in the day Mothering Sunday may not have had that association and gifts weren’t a thing. However as children we gave our mum a gift made card at primary schools
Currently it’s a thing now, and has been for a long time. It’s an event that’s usually marked with card,a gift, prepared treat. That doesn’t render it overly commercialised it simply means it is a recognised event
The significance is, the partner knows it has significance for op and her chosen to not to get her the modest gift she’d like on basis of finances. He appears not to be in penury.

Ellpellwood · 04/03/2021 07:49

Yes, times have changed, and us mothers of young children these days are all money-grabbing witches.
That is definitely the point of the thread and not that the OP's H does this on "Christmas etc." Or that he is saying he is too poor to go for a meal with her yet has the money to go for a night out with his mates. And then says that he's sorry and they'll go out. Spoiler - they did not.

SinkGirl · 04/03/2021 08:00

@Mylittlesandwich

If we're getting into the semantics' of why we celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day on our children's behalf I see it like this. My DH is a great dad, at the moment SD has no concept of great dad/crap dad but I do. My own father is not worthy of the title. To keep the peace I buy the most formal card in Asda and stick in a chocolate bar if I'm feeling generous. My DH however has been a rock for me and DS through all of this lockdown nonsense and he deserves to have that 1 day set aside to celebrate that.

Exactly this. My own mum died before I got pregnant, neither of us have contact with our fathers, and we don’t see much of MIL. We both think it’s important to show the other how much we appreciate the other. Our children may never be able to pick out a gift or make a card. According to some here I should just forget it’s Mother’s Day until such a time that my children learn to understand concepts that are complex compared to their current level of understanding.

And all this is really beside the point - it’s about feeing valued and like a priority. If others think that gifts on these days are over the top they don’t need to do it. I’ll never understand why people care how others respond to days like this and try to shame them for wanting different things. OP wanted a small gift to mark her first Mother’s Day as a mum - it’s really not that objectionable.

JackieTheFart · 04/03/2021 08:10

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

Why. Just why do so many women say this, and seemingly believe it?

It’s not ok for your husband to say there is no money for a special treat for you, when what he means is that there’s no money for you because it’s been spent on him. It’s ok to feel upset by that and you don’t have to qualify that with how ok you are with it!

I would advocate honesty here and in most circumstances. Ask him why there’s money for his jacket but not for a gift for you. Tell him that it makes you feel completely unappreciated and worthless, that his wants are clearly that much more important than yours.

LoveYourUsername · 04/03/2021 09:01

This isn’t about the child.it’s about op partner pointedly ignoring op modest request for a Mother’s Day gift

The point @HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee is that the OP has asked for a gift (£20) from her DP on mothers day.

When did mums ask their partners to buy gifts for them on mothers day? And when their baby was a few months old?

I'm sorry but I disagree with you 100%.

Mothering Sunday is a special day when your child is old enough to know what it's about.

IMO I'd have been chuffed if on MD my DH had brought me a cuppa in bed or whatever, given me a kiss and said I was a great mum, but little one didn't understand (yet.)

I guess this man's selfish behaviour is there 365 days a year, but I also think it's sad and wrong for the OP to ask for gifts from him for mothers day. It's not how it's supposed to be.

NeptunesGaze · 04/03/2021 09:08

The debate isn’t about whether Mother’s Day warrants a gift or not - I think pp are missing the point of the post and going off on one.
It’s about whether it’s ok for your dh to lie and say they can’t get you a cheap gift ( for any special occasion for you) as there’s no money. Then spend nearly twice that on a gift for themselves.
Is that ok is the question and how would you feel and respond.
I said it’s not ok and op she have it out with her Dh. It seems he has form for putting her needs last and he needs to be called out on it

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 04/03/2021 12:18

Mother’s Day is a day to get a gift, get your dinner made. It’s not uplifting or deep. I don’t care about it’s historical roots. I do like that I get a gift and card from my dp and kids. Fortunately I have a partner who happily buys a gift I want (I tell him what I want) and I happily receive it

ArcheryAnnie · 04/03/2021 12:30

This is a very sensible summation of the problem.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 04/03/2021 12:37

Indeed it’s the fact he simply has ignored her modest expressed preference
But prioritised his own preference

BusterGonad · 04/03/2021 12:39

Jesus christ, the amount of thicko's on here that don't get it.

Ellpellwood · 04/03/2021 12:58

You'd think she was expecting a gift to celebrate British Pie Week reading some of the responses.

Eckhart · 04/03/2021 13:53

I don't understand why people think there are rules about what is 'acceptable' as a MD present. Even if it was relevant to OP's question.

Where is this 'present law' textbook you're all reading from?

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