Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

My parents never screamed or shouted at each other so I don’t see it as normal and my husband and I don’t either. I’d find it completely unacceptable. It’s not how you treat someone you care about.

In some couples it might be normal and acceptable but it wouldn’t be for me.
If it’s not acceptable to you, don’t accept it. Your dp has to stop, or you have to break up with him.

DH and I literally never scream and shout at each other. Even when we disagree and get cross with each other we just wouldn't do that. It may be normal for some couples but definitely not for everyone.

I'm in a relationship with someone who sometimes does this. It used to be very often over absolutely fuck all but he has been working on it and these days it happens very rarely. It isn't acceptable and you do not need to put up with it if it bothers you x

I've never heard my parents shout at each other and I've never shouted at my dp and he hasn't shouted at me.

No. The reason your DP keeps doing it is because you keep tolerating it. Would he shout and scream at anyone else in the world if he didn't agree with them or just you?

I've been with my DH for almost 25 years and we've never screamed or shouted at each other. But we don't really argue anyway, we discuss things and come to an agreement.

I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years and we’ve probably had a shouting/screaming episode about twice in that time.

Pretty much what I thought. Fee like this is history repeating itself. My previous relationship ended for basically the same reason. Now I've somehow ended up with a similar (not the same definitely) kind of person temper wise.

I've explained until I'm blue in the face I can't accept it but it's not changing.

Just don't know how I can break my family up - I know in my gut this is going to kill off any love in the long run if it continues

No. My second serious relationship was a bit shouty there was passion between us but overall it was awful.
I can't imagine how horrible it would be to have DC involved around shouting adults.

I would be OK with arguments/disagreements. They do happen and it's life.

I am not OK with raised voices and shouting.

I do not tolerate this in relationships with anyone of any sort.

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

No it's not normal
You don't have to put up with it
Yes it's a form of abuse.

Some people think it’s fine. My ex did. I left him and DH and I have never raised our voices or said nasty things to each other. I wouldn’t put up with it again, can’t see looking back why I did at the time, I was a boiled frog. If he’d done it on our first date I’d never have seen him again but that’s not how they operate and it starts when you’re committing and feel you’ve invested too much to walk away from. Then it escalates. It’s completely unacceptable.

I hope you leave. You deserve better.

No it’s absolutely not normal. I have never screamed or shouted at my DP and vice versa.

There is sometimes a place for strong words and losing your temper but if it is happening frequently and if it’s the only way of communicating it’s abusive and toxic.

I will buck the trend and admit it. We are shouters. But we are both shouters, and we don't mind it.

We never do it when DD is in the house so these days we shout less as the moment has usually passed - but we do have fairly frequent ranty outbursts because that is how we are. We get over our arguments quickly and move on. We aren't abusive to each other though - we are just quite animated and tend to get it all of our chest. It works for us, but other people would hate it.

It's not ok for one party to be shouting at the other regularly though in a one sided way- that does sound abusive.

Most people can disagree, argue and lose their temper without shouting and screaming. It could be learned behaviour from a shouty upbringing. Regardless, if it makes you unhappy, you can end the relationship.

Nope. I grew up in a house where it was the norm and it affected me very badly and I knew i didn’t want that in my life.

I think my husband and I have raised our voices at each other about 3/4 times in 16 years.

No swearing. Not a chance.

He definitely had a shouty upbringing and he and his parents have told me about it - it's totally normal for him/them so it's all he knows.

The latest explosion just happened in front of the kids - this feels like I'm close to breaking point because of that.

I mean if he just came to me and apologised and admitted he was in the wrong etc I'd probably get over it much quicker but he's too stubborn for that and I'll just get the silent treatment now until I force the issue and he will then apologise but it will haft happen again

Is there a way to fix this? I don't want to lose what we do have as there are so many good areas of our relationship and family life.

My parents did this, so I thought it was normal and used to do it myself.

I've learned that it is not normal or necessary and work very hard to quell the anger that comes so easily to me. I've been in relationships in the past where we would have shouting matches, and a couple of times I've lost it with my husband, but it's very rare for me now, and I always apologise quickly for being unreasonable and hurtful. It's hard work for me, but it's so important.

On the other hand, I don't hold on to anger, or carry grudges, and neither does my family. Even when I've had a huge row with my sister (which, again, I work at avoiding now), the next time we speak it's like it never happened.

Boiled frog is the perfect analogy.

And sweetie, YOU would not be breaking up your family. You've warned him that its unacceptable and he continues to engage in it. His bad, not yours.

I think I heard my parents shout at each other once when we were growing up. I don’t think my DH has ever raised his voice at me ever.

@TheLeadbetterLife what made you decide to change?

No screaming and shouting here either

OP, you say "Just don't know how I can break my family up". I'm not saying that you should LTB, that's your decision, but you might wish to reflect on potential impact on your children of living in a house where one parent screams and shouts at the other

@notanothertakeaway that's exactly why I'm wondering how I can go on, I left one man for this reason and broke my family up then - to go through that again fills me with dread, relationships are hard and there's compromise and he is the person and these are his flaws, do I give him anymore chances? Does he need to know I'm serious and then give him a chance?

I don't want another failed long term relationship

He definitely had a shouty upbringing and he and his parents have told me about it - it's totally normal for him/them so it's all he knows

Yes, he grew up with it, but it's still a choice he's making. I had a shouty upbringing and I have made a conscious decision to live my life differently