Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

My dad screamed and shouted at us all the time, and at my mum.Only behind closed doors. To the world we were Perfect Family. So I thought it was normal. Cue loads of failed relationships until i met DH who just explained that it made him feel ill. We have a row (meaning, I shout) once every five years or so. Had one a few days ago so none planned until 2026.

What I mean is - very occasionally people lose it. That's not abuse, that humankind, letting off steam which most people do at rare times of intense pressure, such as lockdown. But if it becomes a pattern, or if it is used coercively: I will shout until you do as I say, then it's abuse.

We got divorced without yelling!! I have never had a relationship with someone who wants a screaming row. I hate yelling, wasn’t brought up with shouty parents either.

I’m surprised people think this is OK. I grew up with shouty parents. It made my childhood scary and miserable, and has affected me for decades afterwards. Your poor kids.

@Nanny0gg no he hasn't ever threatened me since- he knew I really meant it because I left the house.

And it is frequent, I'd say 3 times a week at the moment, it's worse with lockdown though, but to be completely honest it's been like this for a long time, probably from about 9 months into the relationship but just not as frequent, sometimes we might go 2/3 weeks with no arguments and sometimes more often, it really all depends on his mood swings as like I say I'm a people pleaser and a peace keeper so my instinct is to avoid conflict and talk about it to resolve - his is to rage and argue and then move on.

2 to 3 weeks between arguments is a pretty low bar. 3 a week sounds horrendous.

He isn't going to change because you are making empty threats, unfortunately. You say you won't tolerate it but you are, three times a week 😱 that's awful. Even if it was a big shouty row with both sides joining in three times a week is just jot normal.

You should have solo counselling to work out why you keep ending up with men who verbally abuse you, it's so sad that you think this is all you are worth 😔

I'm going to have to ask the classic question I'm afraid - what did you learn about relationships growing up? How does love feel to you, and when have you felt truly loved? Ignore by all means!

I hate screaming and shouting. I grew up in a house full of it, my parents always screaming and shouting at each other, then screaming and shouting at us kids for screaming and shouting at each other. Then telling us how it was a sign of how much they loved each other, that they were always screaming and shouting at each other.

It's not a sign of passion or comfort or humour or any of the other things screamers and shouters would have you believe. It's anger and aggression and loss of control and it's ugly and it has a nasty tendency to escalate.

I do not scream or shout at my husband, nor he at me. I hate it. I won't have it. Worst we have is a slightly raised voice ("oh for God's sake!") but not shouting. Nothing you would hear through the walls next door. Nothing that would wake a sleeping child in the house.

I hate it.

I think that even shouting carries an implied physical threat when it's done to intimidate a smaller person. Especially if they're not equalling the aggression.

I couldn't let a man who did that come near me again.

My parents screamed and shouted constantly and as a child I was always on edge. They divorced when I was a teenager. My husband and I never really argue and if we do it's slightly raised voices at most.

@duchesspodcast

what did you learn about relationships growing up? Not much really my parents split young, my mum was a shouter and my dad calm, the house always felt shouty and aggressive and upsetting but all from my mum

How does love feel to you - erm that's hard, I suppose mutual respect, compromise and accepting each other's flaws, loving the person they are and them you, caring for each other and putting each other first.

and when have you felt truly loved? Errrrm truly felt loved?! That's so hard, not really by anyone. Maybe in my younger relationships I felt loved by 2 serious boyfriends but one treated me badly and the other I didn't really love back.

I'm making myself sound like such a victim here and I really don't think of myself like that

Actually I truly feel loved by my children

Do you have other children apart from the one together? It's really not fair on the children.

I don't think he's treating you well and you need to move on from him.

Thanks for answering OP, I hope it helped a bit. Painful things to think about though.

I'd also struggle to recall when I've felt truly loved. But I'm certain that's just bad luck, rather than reflecting on me. My parents aren't loving people, and I chose xh without knowing how a relationship should be so when he didn't love me either (I now see), I didn't realise it. Since covid I've done a huge amount of work on it, and that's why I believe I'm not flawed, and I have a much clearer idea of what love really is.

But in the process I had to accept I had childhood trauma and was codependent with xh who was avoidant and unable to love, and that I had been used rather than loved throughout my life, due to choosing bad parents (!) then not being taught that my even feelings matter - let alone should be listened to and taken seriously

I know some people think these labels are unhelpful but I couldn't have understood my life without them, couldn't have seen the patterns.

I hope you know you're worthy of the things you listed when you described how love should be

Other people coming on here to say they are both firey and have shouting arguments about politics might be muddying the water a bit.

He shouts at you a few times a week and threatened to smash your head in. This is horrific, completely abusive. Please don't marry him OP. A previous poster is right that he is slowly escalating his behaviour. Once you're married it'll be much harder to get away from him.

If anybody asks why you called off the engagement say "because he threatened to smash my head in." Nobody could downplay or defend that. It's not something said in the heat of anger, it's a direct threat. Listen to what he's telling you.

For what it's worth I do not accept shouting in my relationships. I had an abusive childhood and shouting triggers me; I get terrified. I need to feel safe in my own home so can't accept any shouting.

No it’s not normal. I’ve been married 26 years. Really big shouting arguments are very few and far between, maybe 5 times in all those years.

Absolutely not ‘normal’ or acceptable. I have been with my DH for 24 years and we have never felt the need to raise our voices at each other. My parents were the same.
Yes we have differences of opinion and sometimes snap or moan at each other but shouting is not necessary and I would not tolerate it more than once.

My ex-husband and I never screamed or shouted at each other. We got divorced after he had an affair and still never felt the need. In retrospect perhaps I should have at that moment!

My DH and I have had one or 2 screaming matches in our 13 years together. Generally started with an argument in which he raises his voice, which I absolutely hate, and one day I snapped and screamed back. He stared at me in horror and told me he didn't like the way I'd just spoken to him. After some reflection we realised that he doesn't realise when his voice is raised, whereas I'm quite sensitive to it. Since then we have made a point of telling one another, if voices raised, to lower them. It helps both of us to pause and take a step back, and calmly continue the discussion.

However I will add that had he not taken this on board, it would have ended. I will not take anyone raising their voice at me, it's a dealbreaker.

I had an ex like this. Only it wasn’t “arguments” it was him picking a fight then verbally abusing me. Always when drunk 🙄. I used to get anxious when I saw the signs. The last straw was on a night out one of his friends was staying with us and I was relieved this chap was there 🙁

Never had “rows” like that before or since with anyone else. In 15 years of marriage dh and I have had one mild row that was a misunderstanding. Dh would never and has never said anything unkind to me since we got together in 2003.

It is never necessary to scream and shout in a loving relationship. It is used in an attempt to dominate. My DH and I have been together donkeys years and have never, not once, screamed or shouted. We disagree, we talk, we sometimes (rarely) say we need some quiet space, we respect each other’s opinion and compromise.
I would say, as the adult who is still traumatised by childhood memories of what was to be as a little girl terrifying screaming by my parents that your children deserve at all times to feel completely secure and safe and not frightened in their own home. He is breaking up the family by behaviour he can control he just chooses not to as, again, he wants to dominate. You and your children deserve more than this you know.

I'm from a loud family, we raise our voices when we're happy and excited as well as when we're upset or angry. DH's family aren't shouters but that doesn't mean they have perfect relationships so I don't think volume or swearing is necessarily a sign of a bad relationship and never arguing is a automatically the sign of a good relationship. FIL didn't like conflict but he very much wanted everything done his way. You can be controlling without shouting.

I don't think he would ever accept in a million years that this was abuse, he'd probably laugh if I suggested it. He isn't typical either. My ex used to be so sorry and apologetic and make up with me. My current partner will not admit there was anything wrong and would rather not speak until it blows over. He would apologise if I push him into calmly talking about it and he will see the error and apologise because he knows I don't like it.

And he has name called in the past and we've had blazing rows were I'll admit I've shouted back in defence and to stand up to him. He doesn't name call anymore he's careful as he knows it's a deal breaker. It's like every single time we argue I have to explain what's a deal breaker but the shouting thing he just can't seem to suppress - it's like it's in his DNA

Your dh sounds deeply unpleasant and disrespectful , op. He needs to change.

Many people shout in relationships. I have friends who love a dramatic relationship!

I find being silent and having tension way worse than having an argument due to DV in my childhood when everyone had to walk on egg shells.
But I would NEVER accept shouting in front of children or calling each other names.