Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

If we are having a blazing row we might raise our voices, but not shout and scream.

Shouting, screaming and the silent treatment are all abusive behaviours. It's not normal and it shouldn't be tolerated.
I grew up with parents that regularly had screaming matches and the silences could last for weeks, I dreaded coming home from school to the awful atmospheres and fear it would all kick off again. It's no way for your children to live.

My mum screamed and shouted at my stepdad. So although it was 'normal' for me growing up, I always knew it wasn't right.

Wouldn't scream and shout at anyone-- except my angelic little 7 year old when she's being a royal, massive pain in the arse and has pushed me over the line-- and wouldn't tolerate anyone screaming and shouting at me.

Not normal.

My Mum and Dad were shouty. I hated it and couldn't wait to leave home. All my siblings felt the same.

At some stage I found myself in a similar relationship, and I ended it. I don't want any man screaming and shouting at me, I do not want my peace disturbed, my ears assaulted and I won't
put up with all that noise for the sake of having a man/being in a relationship. There's more to life.

I know what it's like, having grown up with the heart-sinking feeling when I knew the parents were about to start shouting.

Me & DP don't agree all the time, but we don't shout and scream at each other. Maybe shouty noisy people are better suited to a shouty partner. If you're not that way OP you're only storing up unhappiness for yourself by putting up with it

The option isn’t either having screaming rows or silent sulking tension 🙄

Normal adults have a discussion sort the issue out and then move on without the need for either option from the unpleasant childish behaviours menu.

Also, you might be strong willed now and feel you can deal with his behaviour. But the drip, drip of him treating you how he does can wear you down over time. And I also agree that it will escalate if you get married.

I used to think it was normal because for years it was for me in my previous relationship. I’ve since lived in a refuge, had counselling, completed the freedom programme and met someone who isn’t abusive and I know better. No it’s not normal. Disagreements are normal and I’m not saying voices don’t ever get raised but no one deserves to be screamed and shouted at by another person. You’re not “living in romance land” or being romantic to expect to be treated with respect instead of being verbally abused.

Your poor kids living in this environment. Please "man up" and leave this abusive bastard.

It's normal to be upset or angry but it's definitely not normal to scream and shout at someone.
It's not kind or respectful and it doesn't solve anything. Your dp is an adult and should control his feelings. You don't have to put up with his behaviour.

I feel so drained and exhausted right now. I'm in a different room, we haven't spoken much, the worst bit is this is the same old pattern of silence until I start talking to him.

Where do I go from here? We do have a child and I also have my own child.

Do I raise this with him or make my mind up what to do before bringing it up?

He won't realise that I'm at breaking point, he will think this will eventually blow over

@cocowhite

I feel so drained and exhausted right now. I'm in a different room, we haven't spoken much, the worst bit is this is the same old pattern of silence until I start talking to him.

Where do I go from here? We do have a child and I also have my own child.

Do I raise this with him or make my mind up what to do before bringing it up?

He won't realise that I'm at breaking point, he will think this will eventually blow over

You owe it to yourself and your children to choose what you want to do about this yourself. You can tell him afterwards. Do you think he’s just going to make you both a cuppa and talk this over calmly? No, he’s going to lose his shit. I’ve had a scroll through your posts on this thread so might have missed it but do you have a supportive family or friends? People who would help and support you if were to (hopefully) leave him?

@GladysTheGroovyMule yes I do, I have friends and family that would support me - they will be shocked as this isn't something I've ever shared but they will support me.

I think before I do anything I need to "get my ducks in a row" in mumsnet speak.

Financially I can cope without him that isn't a problem. Logistically housing will be an issue and immediate cash is an issue. So I just need to carefully prepare how I ease myself out of this with a plan.

Part of me is thinking that maybe whilst I'm working on that plan I should lay my cards on the table and give him a chance to change? But is that just me backtracking I don't know if he deserves it according to what I've read here

@cocowhite

Part of me is thinking that maybe whilst I'm working on that plan I should lay my cards on the table and give him a chance to change? But is that just me backtracking I don't know if he deserves it according to what I've read here

You’ve given him a chance to change already- you told him him you don’t like being screamed at and he dismissed your feelings, said you were “‘living in romance land”.

I mean he might change but I wouldn’t stake my house on it and even if he did, it wouldn’t last long. I once tried to tot up how many chances I gave my ex to change. Lost count quickly. In your shoes I’d quietly get my ducks in a row.

Why one more chance? He's has umpteen already, you said earlier he'd laugh at you if you told him he was being abusive, he won't change because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. You've told him so many times it upsets you but he keeps doing it.

You want to give him another chance because the alternative is unknown and scary to you. But, sometimes we have to just take a deep breath and jump.

Tell him he is on his last chance. Go to relate, and make plans

I am scared that's true. I am going to make plans, there's nothing I can do immediately anyway as I need to plan. I want to be clear with him that I've reached my limit and he can see I'm serious that this is almost over if he doesn't change his behaviour.

Thank you so much for the advice. I am listening to all of it and as hard as some of it is to hear, I needed to hear it. I'm much further in accepting this is probably over than I was this morning or yesterday.

@cocowhite

That great that you’re not dependent on him, or legally shackled! Your kids are the priority, not ‘he said, he thinks, him him him’ he’s a threatening, screaming wanker who is damaging the kids for life by making them live in an abusive house. Relationships are not ‘hard work’, the only point of one is to enhance your life, not just keep some bloke around for the sake of it. Focus on creating a safe home for your kids, avoid males until you’ve done intense work on yourself, don’t tolerate any abuse, ever, or force the kids to endure it.

(I have been damaged for life by having cortisol flood my body for years when my awful mother made me live in the same building as her latest choice in male as a kid, I despise her. Violent threats, screaming, fighting is abhorrent and indefensible.)

So sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

He sounds horrible. I’m not suprised you feel on edge all the time. Can you imagine living with him fir the rest of your life? If he can’t behave while you have young kids it doesn’t sound like he can ever improve.

If it was me..
I’d leave him. I know it would be very very difficult but it’s better to leave now and get it over with. You can’t have your kids living in that environment.

@Fe2O3Girl

My parents never screamed or shouted at each other so I don’t see it as normal and my husband and I don’t either. I’d find it completely unacceptable. It’s not how you treat someone you care about.

This ^

Yes, fights happen in all relationships, but reasonable discussions about what’s gone wrong (usually faults on both sides) is the way forward.

Sorry to hear you are in this type of relationship, OP.

I grew up with lots of shouting and arguments and thought that was normal. It didn’t take long with my DH to realise there are other ways of communicating and I changed. I’ve come a long way and have grown and matured thanks to my DH. There’s no way I would have ignored his requests and just carried on shouting regardless.

Not normal. My partner and I never shout at each other. My ex however... but that's why I got shot of him ASAP.