Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

I do take all this on board. I think I can actually handle a raised voice now and again - I'm guilty of it myself when I argue back with him. What I don't like and is really affecting me is when he rages out of nowhere over something that is trivial in my mind and his face is bright red, his voice is very loud and powerful and he is almost spitting at me with aggression in his body language - it's intimidating and scary. I don't believe he would ever lay a finger on me and I know people probably say that but it's what I believe.

He needs anger management and potentially some treatment for his mental health and CBT, he's generally miserable or in a bad mood 90% of the time and lockdown is getting harder and harder

@Belladonna12 because shouting at someone is rude and aggressive. I have had plenty of arguments with people without needing to shout at them. That you even need this pointed out.....

Re And domestic violence doesn’t start with punching and kicking, it starts with boundaries being eroded like yours have been

Yes, and if you've never been allowed to develop healthy boundaries in childhood you'll really struggle to get free of this type of relationship- but it's not impossible. You can get support from Domestic Violence chatlines. It will escalate, so it's best to start planning to leave.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Belladonna12 because shouting at someone is rude and aggressive. I have had plenty of arguments with people without needing to shout at them. That you even need this pointed out.....[/quote]
You don't have to raise your voice to be rude or aggressive. If you are the type of person who has plenty of arguments with other people, perhaps you should think about your own behaviour.

@Belladonna12 I meant over my entire 35 years I have had many arguments and managed to do so while talking things through to people. Not that I argue frequently - I don’t. However I’m not surprised someone who thinks shouting at people is normal would then become passive aggressive toward me and turn it back on me when challenged about their bad behaviour...

I grew up in a household where I never heard raised voices. DH grew up in a household where it was the norm, and witnessed domestic violence. This has affected him very badly. For these reasons we both never shout at each other. 20 years and one bad argument. Not saying we don't disagree but we can stop ourselves and discuss what is going on.

You shouldn't have to live your life like this. When shouting is happening remain calm and say do not shout at me like that. Then when things are calmer talk, talk, talk. Tell him how you feel, really discuss it. Then if he carries on you will know you did all you could.

I would explain very clearly that shouting and screaming is a boundary for you. My DH grew up in a “shouty” house and has a naturally quite loud voice anyway. The first few times we argued and he shouted I told him not to, that it crossed a line for me and symbolised a lack of control that I find concerning. He really struggled to get it. A few months later when we argued again, he shouted and I walked out of the room, telling him I didn’t feel safe as he wouldn’t respect my boundary about this. It gave him a huge wake up call, and while he’s not been 100% perfect in the years since he always always reigns it in and stops himself getting louder. Tell him how it makes you feel using clear “I” statements.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Belladonna12 I meant over my entire 35 years I have had many arguments and managed to do so while talking things through to people. Not that I argue frequently - I don’t. However I’m not surprised someone who thinks shouting at people is normal would then become passive aggressive toward me and turn it back on me when challenged about their bad behaviour...[/quote]
I think you need to look up the definition of normal. It is not a reflection on whether something is okay . It is a reflection on how much something happens . I think people raise their voices occasionally in most marriages which means I think it is normal (although I don't think what OP describes is). You might not think it normal but then again you think it's normal to have many arguments with people whereas I don't. We have different opinions on what is normal.

Yes we all have different standards of what feels normal or comfortable.

The concern is, when you express you're uncomfortable and the other person disregards your boundary. That's the problem. As the saying goes, "The only people who have a problem with you having boundaries are those who benefit from you having none"

@SugarfreeBlitz

Yes we all have different standards of what feels normal or comfortable.

The concern is, when you express you're uncomfortable and the other person disregards your boundary. That's the problem. As the saying goes, "The only people who have a problem with you having boundaries are those who benefit from you having none"

I agree.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Wife2b your problem is you seem to think an argument is when people scream and shout at each other.... it’s not. Obviously that’s what you were raised with so you don’t know any better and you now do this yourself as how you express yourself but I was raised to see my parents arguing in normal voices and sounding frustrated but never shouting and screaming. Myself and my DH are the same. He has never raised his voice to me and I have never to him. It’s the height of disrespect to screech and shout at anyone in my opinion.[/quote]
Bit presumptuous. I was raised as an only child, I certainly was never around any conflict. There is a big difference between screaming and shouting. A bit of shouting/raised voices ok IMO within reason (very stressful period of time etc) screaming at top of lungs is totally different.

@Belladonna12 ironically you could do with looking up the definition of ‘plenty’. In my entire life I would say I have had around 20 arguments with friends , family, boyfriends etc. That is plenty for me and I have managed to do so without shouting or screaming at anyone. You seem to have interpreted ‘plenty’ as me arguing with someone every second day. If it makes you feel better about your inability to control yourself in an argument then please feel free to continue with that assumption. I generally don’t like people who are aggressive and shouty in nature so it doesn’t surprise me we haven’t seen eye to eye on this thread so I will not be engaging further.

In 12 years my husband and I have not once shouted or screamed at each other. Not normal for us.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Belladonna12 ironically you could do with looking up the definition of ‘plenty’. In my entire life I would say I have had around 20 arguments with friends , family, boyfriends etc. That is plenty for me and I have managed to do so without shouting or screaming at anyone. You seem to have interpreted ‘plenty’ as me arguing with someone every second day. If it makes you feel better about your inability to control yourself in an argument then please feel free to continue with that assumption. I generally don’t like people who are aggressive and shouty in nature so it doesn’t surprise me we haven’t seen eye to eye on this thread so I will not be engaging further.[/quote]
I find it hard to believe that you've only ever had 20 arguments in your entire life considering the way you picked on my post stating that I think it is normal to raise your voice occasionally in a marriage marriage to tell me that I am unable to control myself. I see you have done it to another poster too and I imagine you get people's backs up quite a bit whether or not you raise your voice to do it. What is acceptable in a marriage is very dependent on the two people in the marriage. If both are happy with the status quo is not for some random on the Internet to tell them off about their behaviour.

I'm fine with confrontation but NOT screaming and shouting. My ex would raise his voice, lower his brow and argue with any point I made, interspersing this with calling me "shit". It pissed me off and made me so uncomfortable expressing myself (esp as he would follow up with ignoring me for days afterwards). He does it to our daughter now minus the name calling (10yo, he's done it with her since she was small) and she told me she feels she can't be bothered to express opinions there now, and pretends to agree with him.

So no, I wouldn't go back to a relationship like that.

Ah, I saw what you said later about "I will smash your head in". Another ex of mine (not my dd's father) said that kind of thing, and then, years in, he did become physically abusive on several occasions kicking me, pushing me, putting his hands around my throat...

I'm not sure that this can be solved. He would have to actually want to stop.

@JaninaDuszejko

I'm from a loud family, we raise our voices when we're happy and excited as well as when we're upset or angry. DH's family aren't shouters but that doesn't mean they have perfect relationships so I don't think volume or swearing is necessarily a sign of a bad relationship and never arguing is a automatically the sign of a good relationship. FIL didn't like conflict but he very much wanted everything done his way. You can be controlling without shouting.

I agree with this janina, but this doesn't sound like the OP's situation. Yes, quiet people with low voices can also be controlling as fuck. And I wouldn't want as relationship where there is never any confrontation, I like to know if I have annoyed someone. My partner has told me once in two years that I had been behaving badly with him, and he was right. He didn't need to raise his voice to say it.

If both parties are happy with raised voices that's one thing. Ignoring someone's need for respect is another.

I’m married nearly 20 years and we never scream or shout at each other. We argue, yes, I might go off in a huff, yes, but no screaming or shouting.
I come from a home of DV, so shouting and screaming would def not be something I’d be staying around and putting up with, I had enough of that in my childhood.
I do think there are some couples who think this is acceptable behaviour and that’s ok if it’s just them. It gets more complicated when kids come along. I’m sure this behaviour could have negative affects on a child and do you shout and scream at the child too ??? Now, that’s not acceptable at any level .

Each person needs to decide what is acceptable in a relationship for themselves, screaming and shouting is not acceptable for me .

@optimistic40

I'm fine with confrontation but NOT screaming and shouting. My ex would raise his voice, lower his brow and argue with any point I made, interspersing this with calling me "shit". It pissed me off and made me so uncomfortable expressing myself (esp as he would follow up with ignoring me for days afterwards). He does it to our daughter now minus the name calling (10yo, he's done it with her since she was small) and she told me she feels she can't be bothered to express opinions there now, and pretends to agree with him.

So no, I wouldn't go back to a relationship like that.

I'm so glad you are away from him.

Children around this type of behaviour grow up with such scars.

I cannot remember my parents ever shouting at each other.
I’ve never so much as raised my voice with DP.
I know some couples that shout at each other a bit but never ones were it’s a one way street of one person being shouted at and not the other.

Miserable or in a bad mood 90% of the time.

Come ON! What are you DOING?

This man will grind you into the ground.

Ok I tried to raise the discussion and it basically couldn't have gone any worse

It's all my fault, apparently I raised my voice first, he retaliated louder and he denied any aggression. It's all in my head and I need to sort myself out. It almost escalated again as his voice got louder so I turned my back on him and he managed to calm himself when I wasn't looking at him. He's walked away now.

Basically that one conversation was my attempt at giving him the chance to take responsibility and it completely failed.

I can't leave right now, Everything we own is here: i'm going to have to live in this situation until I make plans and a path out.

@cocowhite

I can't leave right now, Everything we own is here: i'm going to have to live in this situation until I make plans and a path out.

Do that OP.

Reach out for any and all support that you can get.

You need support while you make your plans.

You tried.

Well. You know you did YOUR best.

Do you have supportive family and/or friends? If you were my friend I’d be clearing out my youngest’s bedroom so you could come and stay in a heartbeat.

Remember too, possessions don’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

Get your paperwork, clothes, and sentimental stuff and get gone.