Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

@cocowhite

Yes I would consider counselling definitely to try and save things.

So it sounds like it is sometimes normal in a relationship.

The question is, I suppose, do I man up and get over it or do I maintain my opposition to it and put my foot down as to what I will accept.

I've told him multiple times I can't accept it, I even walked our a few weeks ago after he threatened violence (not a real threat but more of a "I'll smash you head in" kind of thing, I warned him the next time he ever said anything like that it's over and he was being very careful of what he said for a while.

The more I write the more embarrassed of him I am

Sorry OP, but I don't think this is not normal or okay. The type of arguing and shouting I was describing was more as pp have said - flared tempers, heated debate, raised voices, fiery personalities. What you're describing sounds like bullying.

I would not tolerate even one threat of violence, I have never uttered a threat of violence and I wouldn't expect anyone to tolerate it if I did.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but maybe it's better to face up to it being a problem than trying to find ways to excuse it?

@cocowhite
" I warned him the next time he ever said anything like that it's over and he was being very careful of what he said for a while."

OK, so he CAN control himself when he feels its necessary. But once he knew he wasnt at risk of you leaving anymore he went back to old ways. Interesting.

I grew up around shouty parents and it is the last thing I want to be around as a grown-up.
I don't shout at anyone, not even to my child. Unless it is for safety or emergency reasons I don't get how adults can communicate this way to one and another. This, obviously distresses you. Walk away when it happens. Teach him better habits. 'You shout, I walk away.

He crossed a line by shorting repeatedly when he knows it upsets you. He crossed another line when he threatened violence.

The more lines people cross, the easier it is to take the next step. Raging at the dc? Actual violence to you or to them?

This is NOT love.

Honestly, as to whether it’s ‘normal’- well it probably is in the sense that it’s relatively common. But it’s not the kind of relationship I’d want to be in, or have my DC view as normal. We know several couples (including DH’s parents) who argue openly though.

How would he feel if your DC were spoken to like that by their future partners?

Sorry if that comment was a bit harsh. This is reminding me so much of my mum's relationships, my step dad was just how you describe your dp. She just wanted a happy home. Sadly she had no idea of acceptable behaviour. I really feel for you.

It's not harsh @duchesspodcast I need to hear it, I need to hear whether that small voice inside that keeps telling me this isn't acceptable is right it if I have some warped romantic sense of what a relationship is

Reading your update, the "I'll smash your face in" comment would be a deal breaker for me. I don't care how angry you are, you do not threaten someone you love in that way. I would seriously be rethinking marrying this man. No affection and he shouts and screams at you, and threatens to hit you? Wtaf?! Please think about leaving him,

Please trust your instincts OP. It's so so hard, but that little voice is on your side. I understand the desperation to push it away.

Neither of us are screamers or shouters.....luckily. My parents were never the blazing row type either, so definitely not par for the course.

You don't have to do anything immediately, take your time and maybe talk it through with a counsellor, and write it all down if that's a safe thing to do. Horrible thought, but tell yourself what you'd tell your daughter if it was her.

We got to a fractious shouty stage. We got counselling and worked through it and now we don't. We didn't want to raise a child around that.

Name calling would be a one time offence then out the door.

I understand shouting if someone doesn't feel heard but name calling is pure nasty.

He wants you to accept it as normal because it suits his purposes and his alone, which he knows. He's not the oracle on what relationships should be. None of us are - but I know they should be based on love and respect, and make us feel happier than if we were alone. Safety is even more fundamental than that.

@cocowhite

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

Doesn't matter about other people.

If you find it unacceptable then that's what it is. Your partner either tries to curb it for your sake or you have a decision to make.

The screaming, shouting and threatening you with violence is completely unacceptable. Your poor children. This dysfunction is going to taint the rest of their lives.

[quote cocowhite]@duchesspodcast I just burst into tears at what you said about being single

Thank you so much for all this advice. I'm taking it all in - every word.

I'm still not sure if I'm ready to end things - my mind is still all over the place, we have a child, we're about to get married, this couldn't be any more of a mess [/quote]
Please, please, PLEASE don't get married.

Not till you get this sorted one way or the other.

It could be more of a mess, you could actually be married. Abuse tends to escalate after marriage/pregnancy and you are seeing slips of this "I'll smash your head in".

He CAN control it, otherwise he would say the same stuff to the kids. Or he can't, in which case you need to walk today.

It's one thing for you to choose this relationship and take these risks for yourself but you are accountable to your children and need to keep them safe.

@cocowhite

Yes I would consider counselling definitely to try and save things.

So it sounds like it is sometimes normal in a relationship.

The question is, I suppose, do I man up and get over it or do I maintain my opposition to it and put my foot down as to what I will accept.

I've told him multiple times I can't accept it, I even walked our a few weeks ago after he threatened violence (not a real threat but more of a "I'll smash you head in" kind of thing, I warned him the next time he ever said anything like that it's over and he was being very careful of what he said for a while.

The more I write the more embarrassed of him I am

Has he done it since?

We're quite volatile. But neither of us issue threats of violence.

And you have no need to be embarrassed. But if I'm honest, I do think you need to split

Not normal in our house as both of us don't like it or find it respectful.

But we are also really laid back people. If you have clearly said you don't like it and it continues, that's when there is a problem.

Honestly OP - you need to honestly leave.

I would never threaten violence to anyone. It’s not ok. It’s not.

This is already a failed relationship - it’s just about when you admit it.

Shouting is ok, we do this, get it off your chest when feelings are high. This includes swearing too. Personally I don’t think this is a showstopper.

But not insults or threats or stonewalling or gaslighting, that’s no good and really goes too far. That’s when it gets abusive in my book.

My parents never shouted at each other.
My husband and I don’t shout at each other either.

Me and DH have a screaming match every 6 months or so. It's cathartic more than anything. It never happens when the children are at home and is usually over something inconsequential because we are both quite volatile and stubborn people who bottle it up for a while before it'll explode over who's turn it is to put the bin out or something. We never name call, threaten violence, anything like that but we will raise our voices.

But if it doesn't work for your relationship and you aren't happy, it really doesn't matter what is normal in another person's relationship as everyone is different.

I hate it, and won’t tolerate any raised voices. I come from an abusive background with my DD.
If DP raises his voice I just let him know calmly that I’ll speak to him when he can talk normally. He has come from a relationship where screaming at each other was the norm so he just goes back into that sometimes. I just refuse to reply or engage as soon as there are any raised voices. We are adults, we can discuss things like adults without the need to shout to try and make a point

I will not put up with it - one abusive relationship was enough (two if you count my mother).

I demonstrate that by ending relationships with shouty people.

I do not give a fuck if it's normal or not. I now value myself too much to allow myself to be shouted at. I suggest you learn to value yourself that much too.