Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

I can't leave I don't want to be the one who walks away from everything. I'm not putting myself and the children at a disadvantage and he comes out smelling of roses. I'm not scared of him or anything he would do.

I do have support yes I haven't told anyone yet but I will. I don't think I can make any immediate changes until around July/August but I will start everything in motion.

Karma is a life lived well. What he ends up with will not matter one iota if you are happy, trust me.

Disrupting your life feels enormous and difficult, almost overwhelming.
But the only thing that you would be walking away from is stress, misery and emotional and psychological damage for you and your children. The house and possessions is just stuff, it’s replaceable.
The important things- your precious DCs would be safe and happy with you, wherever that needs to be.

Now the genie is out of the bottle, I don’t think you will be able to stand living that way for another 6 months and you can be sure his behaviour will not be improving now that you’ve dared to question it.
Think hard, if your house was burning down tomorrow, what would you try to keep and where would you go? I do feel your plans need to be far more immediate.

There is no sense in telling the OP to run out of her house with just her kids and a suitcase though. She has a plan, she knows being screamed at is not ok so she can go at a time that is convenient for her in a way that leaves her in a strong position.

Summer is only a few months away, you'll get there OP.

If things escalate (the break up of a relationship is the most dangerous time for women) then don't hesitate to pull the plug earlier though.

Once upon a time I've BEEN the shouty person. When we argued I would get so angry that I didn't know how to express that, I felt so utterly unheard and I would resort to shouting over the top of his shouting. I hated it, we used to argue quite a lot and he would say its fine, it's normal for couples to argue. It wasn't his fault, we were just very incompatible. In my current relationship (we've lived together for around a year and a half) I've realised that it's not normal to argue constantly. We have had one argument that I can think of, there was no shouting, crying, swearing etc. We spoke about it and resolved it like adults. But ultimately it doesn't matter what is normal for other people, whether or not you are happy with it is what is important. And it's clear from your OP how this is making you feel

@marriednotdead I totally agree with you. What's holding me back is I did this before, I regretted it long term as he ended up with everything and I lost out financially, I ended up in debt that I'm still repaying now to try and provide the life we had. When you walk out the door with nothing it's not as easy to move on - I've been there and it took a long time to build up everything I needed for a home. I don't want to walk away and hand him everything and be back to the same position.

Who knows how the next 6 months will pan out, maybe it will get more urgent and the need to avoid the above will be overtaken by the need to get away, for now I feel comfortable I've made a decision and I have a clear plan of a way out with the minimal amount of damage in the short term.

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly I too have walked the walk so I don't speak from a place of naivety. It took years to pay off what debt I was left with and I left my job and career, my earnings never recovered. I still don't regret doing it. But that's me.

Ultimately @cocowhite you need to do what it right for you and I really hope that you can find a safe way to get to the place that will make you happy and allow you to live the life you deserve. I'm glad that these boards are here and I'm sure you'll continue to get support whenever you ask, too many of us have done this before

OP,
Get as much advice and help re getting out that can make the transition easier.

If he EVER makes you feel threatened, call the police and have HIM removed.

In fact that might be very helpful if he did.