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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL not feeding baby

307 replies

JenIsAGem · 02/03/2021 08:42

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

OP posts:

PieInTheSky71 · 02/03/2021 08:47

If she keeps doing it, I would look for a childminder. I'm not sure what else you can do to impress upon her how important it is for him to still have milk.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 02/03/2021 08:52

YANBU

Your husband needs to clearly state he is starving when he comes home and he cant be left with her if he is going hungry and if it happens again you will find alternative childcare. If he doesn't take a hard line over something as fundamental as feeding a baby then she wont do anything else that you ask, it will be 'he seemed happy playing so I didnt put him down for a nap', 'he wasnt interested in lunch so I gave him crisps', he enjoyed the tv so much I let him watch it all afternoon' etc

BeardieWeirdie · 02/03/2021 08:54

Bloody hell, do not let her look after your baby again. Take today off work and sort out proper childcare now for tomorrow.

AnotherEmma · 02/03/2021 08:56

I wouldn't send him again, I'd look for a childminder now, and in the meantime you and DH will have to take him off work, either alternate Mondays or half days each.

The first time it happened could have been a misunderstanding, but then your DH asked her very clearly and politely to give the bottle the next time, and she ignored him. That's not a misunderstanding, that shows that she'll do what she thinks best, disregarding your (perfectly reasonable) request for the appropriate care of your child. You can't trust her and therefore should not be using her for childcare. It's not fair on your child and it will damage the relationship between all of you.

Donotgogentle · 02/03/2021 09:01

So did he not have anything to eat or drink from lunchtime until the 5pm pick up? Or did your MIL give him something else?

BerniesMittens · 02/03/2021 09:01

You need to sort reliable childcare. Your MIL has had her chance to care for him and has dropped the ball twice. Your baby is being neglected in her “care” so sadly, you need to find another form of childcare. Hope you can get it resolved to your satisfaction.

Be prepared for wails of “i brought up xyz and he’s ok” because this will happen.

Be strong and speak up for your son.

CrazyKitkatLady · 02/03/2021 09:08

YANBU I would have been annoyed but not angry the first time as she may not have realised but the second time I’d be absolutely furious she’d ignored you and left the baby hungry.

If she was my MIL she wouldn’t be having the baby again... “please feed him” is a fairly simple instruction.

enjoyingscience · 02/03/2021 09:13

This would stress me out so much. I think you need to look at other childcare sadly. She can be a lovely gran when you visit, but clearly isn’t respecting your wishes here. Your poor DS, going hungry just because she’s being stubborn.

Keratinsmooth · 02/03/2021 09:14

I would give her one final chance, get your DH to say how hungry he was and that your baby needs an afternoon feed, if she repeats her behave then don't leave your DS with her again, a day in a nursery or chi,d minder would be better.

Ldnmum7 · 02/03/2021 09:17

I'd be so annoyed. Your poor child. Time to consider other childcare options.

Keepcountingyourfingers · 02/03/2021 09:18

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

YANBU

This is a good example of how things are likely to go if you don’t take action now. To be honest though, what’s to stop her saying “oh I tried to give him his bottle and he wouldn’t take it”. You wouldn’t know the difference and your poor little lad would still be coming home starving.

I don’t know whether it’s a generational thing where things have changed so much since she was feeding her children. I think what she’s shown you though OP is that she can’t be trusted (not necessarily for any malicious reasons) to do what you’re asking.

If it were me I’d probably start looking for a child minder who will follow your instructions to the letter.

MyLittleOrangutan · 02/03/2021 09:22

He should have given the bottle at MILs so she could see how hungry he was. I'd give her one more chance, tell her how hungry he was when he got home and you cant just not feed a baby. It's like you saying, well you ate all your lunch MIL so you dont need any dinner. If all three bottles dont come back dirty then get proper childcare. Like someone else said, if she'll ignore you over feeding him then she'll ignore you over everything.

ellesbellesxxx · 02/03/2021 09:22

Milk is still supposed to be their main source of nutrition I would get alternative childcare lined up. You have been very clear, given a second chance and she isn’t giving your baby a drink so that’s it

AnotherEmma · 02/03/2021 09:26

I'm surprised that several PPs would give MIL a third opportunity to let the baby go hungry She had a second chance, that would be it for me.

Original poster

JenIsAGem · 02/03/2021 09:29

Thanks so much your all the replies so far! I'll have a proper read through and reply to them once LO goes down for his nap

OP posts:

SnarkyBag · 02/03/2021 09:29

You need to find alternative childcare

Donotgogentle · 02/03/2021 09:29

Agree AnotherEmma. That’s why I asked if MIL had given the baby anything else.

If he’d say water and a yogurt mid afternoon I might try again on the milk. If he’d had nothing I wouldn’t leave him there a single further time, completely unacceptable to leave a baby hungry and thirsty.

Jessbow · 02/03/2021 09:33

so does he have 7am, and breakfast, 11am, then lunch, then 2pm, and again at 6, having had his tea?

I can understand why perhaps she thought he didnt need his 2pm, but could surely have offered it as 3, or 4 even?

lottieree · 02/03/2021 09:38

Does he really need all that milk though when he's having 3 meals a day? Surely if he got home at 5pm he's ready for his evening meal, not a bottle?

Is she giving him water to drink? This seems like a lot of fuss over a bottle of milk. He's almost one, he's not a newborn being starved, he's eating full meals by the sounds of it.

MatildaTheCat · 02/03/2021 09:40

Talk to her again. It’s all new for both of them. Quite likely your baby is behaving differently in a new situation and she misread it.

You say you get on well so have a face to face chat and explain you really do want her to follow your schedule even if he doesn’t always seem interested. If she carries on ignoring this and your baby isn’t thriving then obviously you rethink.

Remember no harm has happened even if it’s upsetting for you. People on here always jump in with advice to stop this immediately and use a childminder or nursery but it’s not that simple in real life.

New to you all. Communicate.

JurassicShay · 02/03/2021 09:41

I wouldn't be happy that she's not following your instructions but does he need that's much milk?

My dd is just turned 9 months & only has 2 bottles a day now, by 10 months they should be starting to drop the milk intake.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/03/2021 09:46

She is bu in that she should have followed your instructions but be prepared - lots of babies simply wont drink much from a bottle when not with parents, also at 10mo if eating solids well and having 3 full meals a day he may well start to rapidly drop those huge bottles. By 1 a baby only needs one pint of milk a day and that includes milk in porridge, yoghurts, milk based puddings, cheese etc. My 1 my son would have only had a 5oz cup in the morning and one at bedtime.

fourandnomore · 02/03/2021 09:46

At 10 months milk is still the most inportant food source. I can’t understand why she would totally ignore your wishes but I’d be telling her that this is really important to you. Tell her how you feel, talk to her openly about his hunger. Snacks, water, bits of food are fine but until over 12 months babies should be having mostly milk for their development so don’t back down on this. Things have changed a lot though since your husband was a baby though in terms of feeding etc so do give her the benefit of lack of recent knowledge.

PugInTheHouse · 02/03/2021 09:47

That sounds like an awful lot of milk for a 10 mo who is on 3 meals a day? I would be annoyed at her not following your instructions but surely he should just need a bottle at 7am then before bed by now?

OloBo · 02/03/2021 09:48

If she’d offered it and he’d refused, I’d get it. The age he is and different environment etc, it’s not behind the realms of possibility. However, I would be so annoyed at her not trying and ignoring my wishes. Not cool.

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