MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

I’m more inclined to believe he drank his bottle in 60 seconds because he was thirsty not hungry. That’s a lot of milk for a ten month old.

Maybe he doesn’t want the milk?

@HauntedPencil

Why would she make milk and throw it away, unless she's an absolute maniac? Op says she is usually lovely.

I'm sure it's stressful enough for OP without people over dramatising the situation.

There is a reason she isn't doing what the parents want.

If you fed him a bottle of milk, as soon as you got him home, why did you give him milk and not his dinner?
He sounds like he’s having too much milk, especially if he’s eating three meals a day. The milk times seem too close to the meal times too.
What time does he have his dinner, if you’re giving him milk at after you pick him up at 5?

Do you pay her for the childcare? You have strong ideas on how the child should be looked after and it sounds like you'll have other problems along the way. Perhaps he doesn't need so much milk if he's eating well

@Snowymcsnowsony

NHS recent guidance..

@JenIsAGem Health care professional here and if your child is having 3/4 7oz bottles he's having 600-800ml's not the recommended 400mls

I think you can afford to give her one more chance strictly on the proviso that you and your OH have a very clear, firm conversation with her. I agree with other posters that a loving (and free!) family member is preferable to a childminder, providing she has just made mistakes so far and CAN be trusted to do things as per your routine from now on.

You need to be entirely honest with her: make it clear that you are disturbed and concerned that your baby was left hungry and thirsty, and that no matter her opinions on milk volumes etc, that is irrelevant. You are the baby's parents and the routine you follow is the routine she is to follow.
I know it might be a difficult conversation to have with her, but if she's generally kind and reasonable, as you suggest, she should want to make amends and do as your wish. I think it's fine to say that if she can't follow your instructions, you'll pay for childcare instead. It's an ultimatum but I think the situation urgently needs one. Last chance saloon. If you need to text her during the day to say 'How did he go with his bottle just now?' at the relevant times, so be it. She'll find it patronising but who cares? Your child, your rules.

Don't send him

My biggest issue would be if she hasn't given him water. If he is 10months and eating 3 meals a day, he won't be starving but in a new environment he might be refusing his milk. However it is still very important he has water provided when he needs it and should be offered his milk when you have asked her to give it.

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

@Sobloodytired09 OP is giving double the recommended amount of milk

But is op's choice to do so... Not mil's to police her parenting...

MIL’s actions show that she thinks she knows how to care for your baby better than you do. I wouldn’t be happy with that. I’m sure when it comes to reducing the milk you’ll be wanting to do that by reducing amounts per feed or cutting out one bottle at a time, not going cold turkey. She should respect that.

I’d definitely find alternative childcare- you have every right to be annoyed about this I think most parents would be. It’s great you get on so well with your MIL but that will sour over time if this keeps happening as it will piss you off more and more. My babies would have been beside themselves at being hungry (they would have been too) and it’s horrible to see your baby miserable.

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

I’d be more inclined to listen to your health visitor than the collective wisdom of MN!

Is she giving him water to drink? Could be he was thirsty and I agree with some pp, getting in at 5, he would surely be hungry for his dinner, not a bottle? Does she feed him additional stuff for his lunch? or snack? Which may be why he isn't wanting the bottle.

I too would agree though that that is a huge amount of milk for a baby on 3 meals a day. Having said that, if thats the way you want to do it, she should at least respect that and make the bottle. up to him if he drinks it then to be honest.

I'd just tell her you'd rather she offered the bottle still and if he won't drink it, there isn't much else she can do really.

But on 3 meals a day he really isn't going to starve just from being with his granny for a few hours a week and i'm sure if he was fussing and cranky from being hungry, she would've given him his bottle?

If he's eating his meals well when he's there then I wouldn't be overly concerned about one bottle. You've no guarantee a childminder would get him to take that afternoon bottle either. It's only one day a week and they're both still settling into the routine. Post title slightly misleading as it sounds like mil isn't feeding him at all yet that's clearly not the case.

Pay for childcare then. I doubt they'd give that amount of milk either, but at least then you can complain through official channels rather than having family awkwardness.

I was about five when my much older siblings started having babies. I learned to make up a bottle and feed it to a hungry baby almost before I learned how to dilute a drink of orange squash for myself.

Not exactly hard is it, the instruction to 'please feed the baby'. I wouldn't be keen to trust MIL if she can't master a task that a child could manage.

I think it’s a difficult one because if this is free childcare I don’t think you should be that dictatorial surely if the baby was that hungry / thirsty he would be crying or miserable with the MIL and she would then sort him out . Maybe she is trying to push you towards decreasing the amount of bottles without telling you outright that he should be having less and during the day starting to use a cup .

If you have great relationship with your MIL, I think you really need to talk this through. I'm sure your MIL loves your child, so she isn't doing anything to harm him on purpose. Maybe she needs to get used to caring for a small child, it must have been quite a while ago when she done this, and get to know your dc's needs.

It’s also difficult for your MIL to follow your exact routine because sometimes routines don’t always go to plan, he may refuse bottles, fall asleep on a walk so changing milk and sleep times. I know a lady who was looking after her daughter’s son at toddler group and she said she had to follow an exact timetable, often she’d leave the toddler group earlier (often causing tantrums) and she said it was very stressful because not everything goes to plan and was relieved that he’d be starting his funded nursery hours soon. You don’t want to turn it into a battle of wills, or affecting your relationship, she’s doing a good thing by (I’m assuming) providing free child care. It may be a case if it doesn’t change, then you put him into paid child care.

I think it’s a generational thing, my MIL was similar, I think they felt getting solid food into them was more important. But she wasn’t our minder... only had kids once a month... and I wouldn’t be happy on a regular basis

Food is for fun before 1, as the saying goes. He needs his milk. If this is the beginning, it’s only going to get worse. Absolutely pay for formal childcare.

@mnahmnah

Food is for fun before 1, as the saying goes. He needs his milk. If this is the beginning, it’s only going to get worse. Absolutely pay for formal childcare.

That’s a myth :) food before one can be fun but it’s certainly not all it’s for.

My 3 y old still has 3 8 oz bottles a day and eats his food !

*Is this the standard for childcare now?

Well, your baby is alive so get over it.

Personally, I’d prefer to have my child’s needs met and have him safe, comfortable, and happy.

But again, I’d pay a professional for the privilege*

I expect you would be very surprised at how much notice many nurseries etc take of parental feeding instructions. They may pay lip service to it but they have routines that they follow, and that is it.

The vitriol directed towards this Grandma who is looking after her grandchild is astounding. If you leave a child with a GP, they will love them, care for them and nurture them. I think that barring abuse (which this is not) a GP is a great parent substitute for a young baby. Maybe use a nursery for social interaction later, but for a baby of the age of the one the OP has a GP is the ideal IMO.

I am sure this is the OP's first child, we are all quite precious with those, later children see the more relaxed side of our parenting I suspect.

This is not a family breaker OP. Relax, maybe mention that baby seemed hungry when you got him home, but don't be confrontational. Your baby is in good hands. Look at the positives and ignore those who say farm him out to a stranger, they probably haven't got the option of family childcare.

I agree there may be issues with family childcare which are important enough to find alternative care. This isn't one of them.