MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

Regardless of amounts- this is your baby and you know what he has in a day and what he is used to.

MIL should not have done 'what she thought best' AGAIN when she's been asked not to.

By allowing mil to have him again you are basically accepting her way of doing things, so if he goes a 3rd time you need to adjust his food/ bottles to what she wants to / will give him.

OR

You find other childcare that will follow your wishes. Personally I'd go for childcare!

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Wtaf.

Your husband needs to tell her he needs his bottle.

If she won't feed him, she can't look after him.

What baby doesn't eat between 12-5. Newborns eat more than that!

They did!!!

Third time - DH reminded on drop off. He then also texted to say he will be due his bottle.

She chose to leave him thirsty/hungry.

This is far far bigger than teething problems/forgetting.

She is doing this deliberately and making a point.

This is way beyond would you be angry - I'd be absolutely furious, but also really worried about her - not my baby- because he wouldn't be going there again.

so she doesnt give your child a drink all day?

ask her if she drank today between 7am-6pm, unless she is giving something else like water/tea/juice which is no longer recommended you are suppose to use milk for rehydration.

@JurassicShay

I wouldn't be happy that she's not following your instructions but does he need that's much milk?

My dd is just turned 9 months & only has 2 bottles a day now, by 10 months they should be starting to drop the milk intake.

I thought the same...three meals AND four bottles? Is that really necessary?

I'd understand if he was just picking at the food like some babies do...but he's eating three meals...

@BrownEyedGirl80

Genuinely surprised that a 10month old still needs loads of milk in addition to meals.Ds refused milk from being weaned and he was fine.

That's what I thought. Mine had dinners, milk on cereal for breakfast, would have a glass of milk if fancied it but had long since given up bottles.

The NHS says this about ten month to twelve month old babies

As a guide, babies fed infant formula will drink about 400ml daily.

I am not good at maths but isn't that's half what you're currently offering in bottles?

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

YANBU

Your husband needs to clearly state he is starving when he comes home and he cant be left with her if he is going hungry and if it happens again you will find alternative childcare. If he doesn't take a hard line over something as fundamental as feeding a baby then she wont do anything else that you ask, it will be 'he seemed happy playing so I didnt put him down for a nap', 'he wasnt interested in lunch so I gave him crisps', he enjoyed the tv so much I let him watch it all afternoon' etc

This, with bells on, because she will use her own experience of raising your dh. Let's not forget that babies are not all alike, clones or robots. Whilst most are happy to drop bottles by that age, not all are. If he didn't want the milk he would soon let you know.

Personally, I think she has had her chance. Maybe it was harder than she thought to look after him and thought she'd cut corners, without thinking of the impact?

@Branleuse

id reiterate that youd like her to offer the afternoon bottle, but in all honesty, id be delighted for the free childcare and the bonding grandparent grandchild time. Its so much more important in many cases than an extra bottle

But that's part of the point.

This isn't actually about milk.

It's about being shown, very clearly, that MIL isn't actually stepping into that grandparent role and nurturing, caring, bonding. There is something wrong.

She's looking at a baby who can't communicate, and who she knows full well has gone through two days in her care and come home ravenous and thirsty - parents have said, three times, this is his routine, this is what he expects to happen after lunch - he's thirsty and he will want the bottle he always has - she will be calmly looking at this baby in her care, knowing he will be expecting his bottle and thinking 'Well, I'm not giving it to you.'

I actually find this pretty chilling.

Imagine looking after someone else's baby and they tell you their routine. Would you deliberately give less food, less drink? Wouldn't you be absolutely careful to make sure they were as comfy as possible, as secure and looked after as possible? Make sure everything happened in the way this little non-verbal baby expected?

MIL is choosing not to.

Very worrying and the third time in, I would be far too worried about what could possibly be going on in her head to be ok with leaving her with him. Bonding?! Oh my God. This is not bonding. It's not normal. Think about it.

I have a 10 month old who is dropping milk feeds at the moment. In a different environment, he might be refusing a bottle there and having regular food and snacks. It's great you guys have a good relationship, I really doubt she's going to let him go hungry. Maybe just emphasise the importance of him having his milk alongside or after any food he's having and if you're concerned, ring and ask if he's had it and that she shouldn't worry about wasting it.

I know that the current advice is before 12 months milk should be the primary source of nutrition but your MIL may not know this. I have found a lot of older women are very insistent that you should start solids (too) early. Maybe just check if she understands the importance of milk before going in all guns blazing and potentially spoiling a lovely relationship?

It is not even about the milk. She is wilfully ignoring your instructions about the most basic stuff.

This, in spades. She is deliberately over-riding your parenting of your child. Not her decision and if she cannot be trusted you need to find alternative child care.

Every child is different, so what if people believe this baby is having too much milk? I am sure the parents made this decision with the full facts. Food at this age is about textures and flavours hence why milk is deemed as their main source of nutrition before the age of 1.

We had FIL undermine us and he undermined MIL who told him to stop allowing Ds to do certain things, we stopped them seeing Ds as FIL would do it in front of us, so I wonder what he would do behind our backs.

This is very sad but boils down to her thinking she knows what is best for your child. She doesn't. I would sort something out now with alternative child care.

She doesn't sound capable of making sensible decisions. Telling her once should have been enough. I'd look for a child minder or nursery.,

Just read your post again OP and can see your OH even reminded her to feed him by text when it was time. It doesn't sound like it's very safe. Maybe it's best to find something else and make sure MIL sees baby for shorter periods or with you.

Maybe he genuinely wasn't very interested jn milk in the PM if he'd had a large meal?

She just needed to have tried later on. Maybe she is sticking too rigidly to the times laid out?

I think starving him is a stretch if she tried a Pm milk feed just talk to her, if she is taciturn and seems unwilling to listen and do what you ask then consider alternate arrangements.

I don't think that's a huge amount of milk in your routine but it won't hurt to miss a bottle in the pm if he's had a big lunch and have one later on.

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

@Branleuse

id reiterate that youd like her to offer the afternoon bottle, but in all honesty, id be delighted for the free childcare and the bonding grandparent grandchild time. Its so much more important in many cases than an extra bottle

Absolutely this.

In 8 weeks time the advice is to stop formula anyway.

He is only there one day a week, he isn't going to come to any harm missing one bottle a week whilst eating 3 meals a day.

I had to go back to work when my breastfed, bottle refusing only slightly weaned second child was 9 months old. She just had to get on with it, we had no choice, yes she was ravenous when I got back from work and often fed all night to make up for it (exhausting for me) but she didn't actually come to any harm as a result.

If you aren’t happy with her then pay for childcare elsewhere. However, do consider that it is likely to take your baby a long time to adjust to change.

When my youngest was a baby we had to accept that we either came home to feed or else we had a cranky baby on our hands as he just would not feed properly after four or so months if we were anywhere other than my dark bedroom. It was most annoying.

My youngest is my fourth so by that stage I knew enough to accept some babies have their own mindset about things. Just because your baby has a comfortable routine at home with you, don’t assume that routine will adjust elsewhere with someone else. For some babies it will and others it won’t.

Childminder or nursery. Saves any family tension.

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

I'm sure that's fine!

Mine went to 3 first if all, morning PM and night but some babies eat a lot more and aren't as interested in milk.

400ml is roughly 2 bottles isn't it as per the guidelines?

What is wrong with Nupur mil that she would see her dgs hungry rather than.feef him? She has proven she is untrustworthy. I would not leave him with her again but find a childminder.

To everyone saying the OP is giving too much milk, and he should be having less - that's not the point. Maybe they need to cut down, but if that's the case, surely it should be done gradually, reducing amounts and still offering milk even if baby refuses - and most importantly this should be a decision that the parents make, not the grandparent. She could tactfully suggest cutting down but it's not her right to unilaterally withhold feeds that the baby is used to having.

I dunno, Ive hung out with a childminder who had a screaming baby most of the time because parents wanted her on a strict 4 hour schedule and childminder had to stick to it despite the baby being ravenous. Id go with a loving relative over strict control. I was quite controlling over my PFBs routine to the extent I would get quite upset, but by child 2 and 3 things were definitely more relaxed and I think that was for the better

It doesn’t actually matter if other people’s babies drink an entire cow-full on a daily basis, or a thimble.

OP’s baby drinks what he drinks and MIL agreed to something she’s now refusing to do.

@JenIsAGem was he at least getting water?!

He is getting to the age where he might start dropping bottles but since you say he’s hungry that doesn’t sound like the case yet.

It’s up to you if you decide to give it another go but if you do, you need to tell her that if he comes home hungry again you’ll start looking for people who can keep him fed and watered!

It could be a case of she knows best. It could be that she’s forgetting. Who knows?! That’s not really your priority.

I do think in general though, that it’s better all round to pay for childcare for your children because then you don’t run into this shite!

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

Every baby is different. I know an 9 month old still on 4. Depends how much they are eating I guess.