MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

I'm sure his 'meals' are small portions.

If any posters are worrying they've reduced the milk too much try offering a bottle between meals and see what happens. A baby will take what they want from a bottle when offered. If they're not hungry they wont take it.

OP personally i don't think i'd risk a third time.

You shouldn't have to be threatening to leave him with another carer to get her to do a simple thing like feed him. I don't think i'd trust her from now on. This should be the honeymoon period and she's only had him twice!!

This thread is a mess of people like ‘why do you need to feed a baby at all?’ and ‘why not give the woman a third chance to fail to provide basic care?’ 🥴🥴🥴
Surely you know you have to get proper childcare sorted, OP?

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

No trust the health visitor who knows you and your baby, who has been weighing your baby. Not randoms on the Internet. The guidelines linked above say make sure it’s their main drink not main food.

I feel your pain, we have a similar set up - if I were to use a cm for the full 4 days I’d barely break even so I do need my parents help but we’ve had this with so many things but none quite as serious as this.

I know you don’t want to do it but I don’t think you have any choice but to lay the law down and tell her you are looking at childminders.

Can you ask her to switch it up a bit, milk is more important than full meals 3 x a day at this point. Can you ask her to give him the second bottle at lunch time then give him a smaller lunch straight afterwards - if he only eats a little bit it’s not a problem.

Well some good points about it being OP's choice but the fact is that she's stressing as though MIL is starving her child. She's quite obviously not!

OP maybe it's time to think about reducing his milk anyway.

@Branleuse

I dunno, Ive hung out with a childminder who had a screaming baby most of the time because parents wanted her on a strict 4 hour schedule and childminder had to stick to it despite the baby being ravenous. Id go with a loving relative over strict control. I was quite controlling over my PFBs routine to the extent I would get quite upset, but by child 2 and 3 things were definitely more relaxed and I think that was for the better

But again, this misses the point!

If MIL was handing him back saying -'I offered the bottle and he didn't want it, so I tried again an hour later, not interested' - absolutely fine.

Not a problem. No screaming about well you should have MADE him because that's his schedule.

The parents are upset and alarmed not because his schedule isn't being stuck to. They're upset that MIL is deliberately choosing not to even offer the bottle - withholding - and the DS is coming home clearly dehydrated at least.

She's making a point of it - she's choosing to do this. I would at this point be worried that the DS is possibly even upset in the day when the bottle isn't forthcoming and she's ignoring him and trying to distract. That would really bother me.

It is really unnerving.

I would be fuming! Why is it so hard to offer a drink in the afternoon? It doesn't even have to be milk, it could be water in the bottle.

This is NOT about how much milk your baby needs/wants.
This is Grandma saying SHE will decide what your baby needs/wants.

She feels that she knows best and your instructions can be ignored, and that belief could have serious consequences in the future.

I would be looking for a nursery or childminder - and I say that as a devoted Grandma.

@FortunesFave

Well some good points about it being OP's choice but the fact is that she's stressing as though MIL is starving her child. She's quite obviously not!

OP maybe it's time to think about reducing his milk anyway.

How i she not? If the child is coming home ravenously hungry?

The bar should be set a bit higher than ''well he's not literally starving'' shouldn't it?!

My dh (now ex) actually told ils to leave once. Fil had been told repeatedly not to layer ds's bed with extra blankets.. As in stripping the bed, putting a folded thick fleece under the sheet . Tucking ds in with extra blankets...
Ds didn't need them and we his dps had made his bed as we saw fit. He was raging. Dh actually manhandled him out the door! .
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MILK.

I'm wondering if you're somehow related to my ex MIL. She decided DD was getting fat at six months so wouldn't give her bottles, or any other fluids. I flipped my lid. You're not being unreasonable. I'd definitely look elsewhere for childcare if she refuses to follow your rules

Can you/your husband ask some open questions? Maybe she is giving him something else to drink? Water? Cows milk? Something she thinks is appropriate?

I am sorry. I just was wondering if she has a set idea about something.

Maybe when you pick him up. Offer him a bottle in front of your MIL so she can see that he will take it. Non confrontational. But just to show that you know he is thirsty/hungry?

Sorry I don’t know about these things. This might carry on for a while.

Of be annoyed too.
Have you spoken to a HV about what his diet should be?
I thought he was having quite a lot when I read your post so guess he is growing fast.😊.does he have water also?maybe he is having a big lunch and that's why refusing bottle and hungry by teatime?
Don't ruin a great relationship by being angry with her,talk it through,see what he is saying there and what he's getting with you and what is working best.
Good luck.

@FortunesFave

Well some good points about it being OP's choice but the fact is that she's stressing as though MIL is starving her child. She's quite obviously not!

OP maybe it's time to think about reducing his milk anyway.

Is this the standard for childcare now?

Well, your baby is alive so get over it.

Personally, I’d prefer to have my child’s needs met and have him safe, comfortable, and happy.

But again, I’d pay a professional for the privilege.

My worry would now be that she throws the milk away and says that he drank it.

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

It depends on your child. If you offer another bottle will she drink it? I wouldn't withhold a bottle because someone said they should only have x.

Op's baby isn't comfortable and happy... Op says he is ready for milk...

I don't think it's looking good for long term childcare. The fact that she was explicitly told and even reminded by text but didn't bother 😮 I think she's clearly going to do it her way.

Did she give baby some snacks instead? Still not ideal but least baby wldnt be starving.

I would give one more chance after having clear words and say if she's not willing to follow your routine you'll be looking elsewhere for childcare. I'd even be tempted though to look at alternatives as I wouldn't be surprised if she made it look like she has tried to give a bottle "they didn't want it".

@omg35

I'm wondering if you're somehow related to my ex MIL. She decided DD was getting fat at six months so wouldn't give her bottles, or any other fluids. I flipped my lid. You're not being unreasonable. I'd definitely look elsewhere for childcare if she refuses to follow your rules

This was my thought, too. Maybe it’s her quiet way of showing she thinks there may be over feeding. This is certainly common, little ones being forced to take more than is necessary and becoming very big, not that it’s really possible for a baby to be overweight, and some children just naturally have stronger appetites or a larger build.

Personally, if it were a choice of two extremes, I would choose over feeding rather than under.

It absolutely does not sound like your baby is anywhere close to starvation with three bottles and three finished meals.

I would let it go and let both of them enjoy their day together without too much micromanaging. As others have said, it’s only one day in the week. If there are no other concerns, you are fortunate parents.

@pudcat

My worry would now be that she throws the milk away and says that he drank it.

Really?

Just talk to her OP - if you don't feel happy after use a child minder

Just slightly counter to this thread so far....

I think there's probably a happy medium - it's a lot of milk, and he's clearly eating. However, I would consider trying to approach this as a joint problem - what can DS have at Grandma's? What are the boundaries of acceptability? This is free childcare from someone who loves him - little about 'professional' childcare will replace that. I would think about giving her something else to give him mid-afternoon instead (so a pancake or similar - or invite her to bake something while he naps, even a batch of things so you have them?) and then view it as a transition day towards the future goal of him having less milk, rather than expecting her to follow exactly what you're doing. Maybe chat to her about it, ask her opinion, try and work together.

I realise I'm against the grain but I grew up with different rules at Grandma's and think it's great. Even now, my childminder has different rules to me and I like that, I think it offers DS variety. Please don't burn bridges over this.

@KarmaStar

Of be annoyed too. Have you spoken to a HV about what his diet should be? I thought he was having quite a lot when I read your post so guess he is growing fast.😊.does he have water also?maybe he is having a big lunch and that's why refusing bottle and hungry by teatime? Don't ruin a great relationship by being angry with her,talk it through,see what he is saying there and what he's getting with you and what is working best. Good luck.

Completely agree!

Does she know how to make the bottle up?
Could you maybe send pre made bottles? Or that ready made milk that you dont have to mix?

I am otherwise totally befuddled as to why she would let her GS go thirsty, and if she cant fulfil this most basic of needs what else is she getting wrong?

@Sobloodytired09

I'm worried now. My health visitor has told me to drop down to two bottles a day now. My little girl is nine months and eating good amounts. Is this not right?

Your child is eating good amounts.

Different child different feeding patterns so different advice.