MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

Time for a child minder or nursery.
But they too won't always do it your way.
Good luck.

It’s not about whether it’s too much milk or not. It’s about the fact that someone you’ve left your child with has wilfully ignored your very clear instructions on how to care for him.

Once, fine. Maybe there was miscommunication. But twice? She thinks she knows best and can do whatever she thinks is best when he’s with her. Which is something that will likely come up again in the future. You’re avoiding screens? Oh but he loves his cartoons so I let him watch them! You don’t want him eating junk? Aww but he really looked hungry when I ate a biscuit, I couldn’t say no! You want him down for regular naps? He didn’t seem tired so I kept him up.

This is why I would 100% always choose paid professional childcare over a friend or relative. People think I’m nuts saying that I’d rather a nursery worker care for my son than his grandparent but honestly, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money. I’d be wary of unsafe stuff too like whether she takes safe sleep practices seriously, is she up to date on how to handle a choking incident btw? Knows never to leave him even for a moment in the bath?

FFS does she think he's an adult & hence shouldn't be snacking between meals!!

I'd be making a new arrangement.

@CaramelWaferAndTea I agree.

Just sit down and talk to her. Explain why you're worried, and let her explain her thinking too.

You say you all get on well so this is something you can sort out. There must be very very few grandmas who would wilfully starve their grandchildren, never mind upset there DILs.

Her childcare is invaluable to both you and your little boy.

Just flouncing off to a childminder is not the answer... at this point.

@YoniAndGuy I agree with every word you say. No doubt some will say it’s OTT but it is chilling you’re right. I cannot imagine having a 10m old baby in my care with an established routine and just being like nah, I won’t bother giving you your bottle. She’s either choosing not to, or forgetting. She might be a perfectly fine granny with supervision but she isn’t someone i’d leave my child with. At this age anyway.

Sounds like too much milk and MIL is going rogue as that’s what she probably thinks too.

However she should not be going off on a her own “what’s best” without discussing it with you. So on that basis I would be reluctant to send baby there again.

Remember darling, free childcare is never 'free'. You give the child to your MIL or even your mother, and the cost is that they will do WTF they want with him. There is NOTHING that replaces paying somebody and giving them exact orders on how to do things. I love my MIL but I'd rather do things my own way.

YANBU - to be annoyed shes not following your instruction. It's your child and she should be doing as you want.

YABU - he doesn't really need the milk at that age. He can easily survive without it or have more when he gets home. Lots of breastfed babies at that age go without milk during the day at childcare and just feed when they get home. He's only 2 months away from not needing it at all.

I assume she's giving water at mealtimes?

I would be really upset by this. My little on was having milk 4 times a day at that age and a feed or 2 overnight! At 10 months old around 40% of calories should still come from milk.

The vast majority of babies absolutely thrive on routine.

The other night my 14m old did a massive poo that somehow escaped his nappy all over the floor right before his bedtime feed. Usually it’s a feed, then bath, then bed. So we quickly put him in the bath to clean him up a bit then his bottle then his actual bath.

He was visibly confused and unhappy with this, wondering why he hadn’t had his bottle (I know, I know, he should be off them completely now, we’re down to one small bedtime bottle and reducing that!). Sad and worried in the bath instead of happily splashing around like usual. Until we got him out and gave him his bottle and got back into our usual routine and he was happy.

Really made me realise how much they thrive on routine and knowing what’s coming next. It’s fine to be flexible in some ways, and care at a childcare setting won’t be identical to home of course. But the fact she knew your DS would be expecting his bottle and just decided not to give it even after you reiterated that she needs to give it is really concerning.

She doesn’t sound in tune with him at all if he was thirsty and hungry when you got him back and twice now she’s chosen not to give him his bottle. I’d be worried she isn’t able to read or respond appropriately to him. If he’d been with her fine for a while and they were thriving and she wanted to start altering a few things with your agreement that’s a different thing, but this is their first couple of days when she’s supposed to be getting used to caring for him and she’s cocked up already with something pretty major. She doesn’t seem capable of registering your concern or responding to it. Just very casual and breezy about your child being fed/watered. Or not.

Hi babies under one need 500-600ml formula (if not breastfed) to meet nutritional requirements. He will also need it to help meet hydration requirements. If he isnt getting enough fluid he could also become constipated.

If it really comes down to it maybe tell her you've spoken to a healthcare professional (HV, GP, pharmacist) and they have said he needs it. Hopefully she will then give the bottles!

Maybe show her the article below. Good luck!

How much formula?
www.babycentre.co.uk/a9136/how-much-formula-milk-does-my-baby-need

@EatingPeanutButterWithASpoon

“If it really comes down to it maybe tell her you've spoken to a healthcare professional (HV, GP, pharmacist) and they have said he needs it. Hopefully she will then give the bottles!”

While this is a practical suggestion, how utterly exhausting would it be to feel you have to provide further evidence avoid why a parenting decision you’ve made should be adhered to?

Nah. She either does what OP has said is important to them (although I wouldn’t be giving a third chance) or it’s time for safe appropriate childcare.

And I would actually advise OP against getting involved in showing MIL information or evidence to back up why he needs the milk. That just reinforces the idea that it’s MIL’s decision to make and not OP’s. She doesn’t need to show links or have a doctor tell MIL he needs the milk. She needs to respect OP’s parenting choices and either adhere to them and not make her grandson go hungry/thirsty or she can’t care for him.

My youngest wouldn’t take a bottle off anyone except me or his dad, was very strange! Maybe she is trying but he won’t drink it and she’s embarrassed to say?

I would give a bottle before he goes, once when he gets home and one before bed! That should be enough for a 10 month old. By a year they only need about 10oz

Can you get some premixed formula? Then send the bottles made up and ready to go. I'd tell a white lie and say "the milk can't be used after today now it's in a bottle" and see what she does.

Attitudes are different now. She is unlikely t be being deliberately malicious - just the product of a different time. I really wouldn't be throwing away free childcare over what is hopefully a teething problem.

I would definitely ring her and explain to her again why it's important for him to have xyz and if she cannot guarantee she will do it then you will have to go elsewhere for child care as he is suffering. Try to get through to o her this will make him unwell.
It absolutely baffles me how ppl decided to go against what someone has laid out for them, whenever I have looked after baboes/children I do exactly what parents have asked of me. It doesn't even cross my mind to do something different. It's so strange.

I really don't think it's chilling. Ffs. Sit down and speak to your mother in law. I'm sure she loves your son. The answers here are completely over the top. If you spoke to a friend in real life, I don't think you're get the dramatic responses you've received here.

Yeah I was thinking that @PugInTheHouse by 10 months surely isn’t your son on a morning and night bottle? If he’s eating 3 meals a day. He should be having water and a snack in the afternoon. 21oz a day seems a lot I know up to 24oz is the age range but if he’s fully weaned then I’d say 14-18oz seems about right. But ultimately it’s your baby and your mil should respect your decisions.

@Missushbb yes exactly!! I doubt all these posters are so reactive in real life!

@MyLittleOrangutan

He should have given the bottle at MILs so she could see how hungry he was. I'd give her one more chance, tell her how hungry he was when he got home and you cant just not feed a baby. It's like you saying, well you ate all your lunch MIL so you dont need any dinner. If all three bottles dont come back dirty then get proper childcare. Like someone else said, if she'll ignore you over feeding him then she'll ignore you over everything.

What if she just makes it and pours it away so it looks like baby has had it.

I'd think about picking him up, asking if he had his bottle, she says no, feeding him in front of her and telling ghee straight. Look my child is starving. You did not care for him correctly. If there is anything be genuine contrite coming from her he wouldn't be going there again.

All a bit harsh on the MIL. I am sure that she would not be starving the child deliberately, the child's normal routine could be off a bit, because of being in a new environment, and circumstances. You may find that the situation would be the same,if you put your child in some day care thing.

Both my children years ago, were walking at ten months old, and quite active, and never drank that much milk a day, with also eating food.

Why would she make milk and throw it away, unless she's an absolute maniac? Op says she is usually lovely.

I'm sure it's stressful enough for OP without people over dramatising the situation.

I'd be looking for alternative childcare and using annual leave between you on a Monday until you've found it.

He is yours and your DH's child and you know what is best. She has to respect your wishes.

To think of your little one being hungry makes me stressed and I'm not his mother!

I would find paid childcare or another arrangement. Times have changed undoubtedly BUT he was so hungry because she hadn't fed him enough!

My DS was eating 3/4 full meals and numerous bottles at your DS' age. He drank water but his drink of choice was milk from a baby to a teenager!

@lottieree

Does he really need all that milk though when he's having 3 meals a day? Surely if he got home at 5pm he's ready for his evening meal, not a bottle?

Is she giving him water to drink? This seems like a lot of fuss over a bottle of milk. He's almost one, he's not a newborn being starved, he's eating full meals by the sounds of it.

I agree that your MIL should follow your instructions but that's an awful lot of milk for a 10 month old if he's having 3 meals a day