Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

MIL not feeding baby

307 replies

JenIsAGem · 02/03/2021 08:42

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

OP posts:

Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 09:48

I always thought milk was the main game until a year old? Regardless of whether you are asking her to give milk /bag of sweets. She is refusing to keep to your dc's routine.
And deliberately defying his dps... Time to look for alternatives...
Await the tears. .. Remember your ds's tears when he came home hungry. Stay firm.

Arghlife · 02/03/2021 09:50

Hmm okay, so she should say if she's not happy with the routine. However, at 10 months, with 3 meals a day, are you sure he should be having that much milk? It sounds like alot, and I have plenty of experience of babies this age and would not be expecting to give him this much.

PugInTheHouse · 02/03/2021 09:50

I understand there is a lot of differing info out there re amount of milk at that age but if you are feeding the right things then 21oz of milk seems a lot. The info has changed recently but IME most babies on 3 meals do not want this much milk each day.

MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 09:54

Do you buy prepare formula? I'd leave her some prepare formula so it is as easy as possible. No having to wait for a kettle. Then OH needs to make clear it needs to be offered to him.

If she can't manage that then I think you need to find alternative childcare. It might be worth looking now.

Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 09:55

Mil doesn't get to decide though does she?

ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2021 09:58

She wouldn’t be having mine unsupervised again.....

BlingLoving · 02/03/2021 09:58

Did she give him water to drink because I'd be far more worried that he was thirsty than that he was hungry. Also did he get anything to eat between lunch and pick up? I don't blame you for being annoyed that she's basically just ignoring that he might be hungry/thirsty for a large part of the day but I do agree with other posters that it does seem like a lot of milk. He needs something between lunch and tea, and that would be the issue I'd be having with MIL not the milk specifically.

MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 09:58

@Snowymcsnowsony

Mil doesn't get to decide though does she?

Exactly. It doesn't matter if she thinks it's silly, it's not harmful to offer the milk and keep the usual routine until the parents say otherwise.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 02/03/2021 09:59

Wtaf.

Your husband needs to tell her he needs his bottle.

If she won't feed him, she can't look after him.

What baby doesn't eat between 12-5. Newborns eat more than that!

Frazzle76 · 02/03/2021 10:01

As PP have said that's alot of milk if he's also having full meals however every baby is different. As a middle ground could you say 'oh today we are having snacks at 3pm? I've packed these super yummy ....' So he's not hungry. Then you're giving her a chance to change. And have some prepared milk in the car on the way home.
To me this is not as big an issue as 'she can never have the baby again' but you can work around it with different ideas. Grandparents will always bend the rules, pick your battles. (Nooooo, she's never had chocolate here, as 18 month old makes a beeline for chocolate buttons in the supermarket she's supposedly never seen before).

ineedaholidayandwine · 02/03/2021 10:02

I would give her one more chance, but make it clear if his routine isn't followed and he's not given his milk, you will find alternative childcare.

Spied · 02/03/2021 10:03

You are uncomfortable leaving him there as she can't be trusted to follow your instructions therefore I'd be looking for childcare.
Its the feeding that's the current issue but this will evolve into other issues, screen-time, nap times, types of food given etc.
If she does what she feels like on the milk issue she'll do what she wants and ignore your instructions on other issues.

RicStar · 02/03/2021 10:04

I would ask her to give an afternoon snack with a cup or bottle of milk as he is very hungry at pick up. I also don't think he needs to stick to a rigid bottle schedule at 10+ months. If you get on well you should be able to communicate about this. What time is his afternoon nap? Babies this age often associate bottles with sleep so she could give him a pre nap bottle, I expect she doesn't want to force milk on a reluctant baby which isn't much fun. But you need to be able listen to each other if this will work out. I dont think she is starving ops baby and I am not sure a childminder would be that different.

MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 10:05

It's not hard to offer a bottle of milk. If she can't do it I would be concerned about her looking after the child. Do you think she is forgetting and then trying to cover it up by saying they didn't need it?

Maryann1975 · 02/03/2021 10:07

As an early years professional, I hear this often. Grandparents thinking they know best over the child’s parents. In some cases, the parents suck it up and get on with it, but in other cases it has led to the parents deciding that the child would be better off in a registered childcare setting where staff will follow parental instructions.

Up to you if you feel you can give her another chance with the threat that if your baby comes home hungry again it will be the last time he is left in her Care again.
I don’t think I’d trust her with one more chance fwiw.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 02/03/2021 10:07

Genuinely surprised that a 10month old still needs loads of milk in addition to meals.Ds refused milk from being weaned and he was fine.

bigbird1969 · 02/03/2021 10:10

Stop leaving her DC with this woman, she ignores your instructions, doesnt provide your DC with there milk which they still need at that age. He returns to you cranky and hungry.

DareIask · 02/03/2021 10:10

As a grandma I would do exactly as you asked, while thinking it was bonkers to be giving all that milk!

MeridianB · 02/03/2021 10:11

@MuddleMoo

This sounds entirely like/possible.

I’d also be worried about dehydration. Is she giving him water?

Time to make other arrangements....

MuddleMoo · 02/03/2021 10:11

Every baby is different

bonfireheart · 02/03/2021 10:12

Maybe ring her at the designated times eg 11am, 2pm and tell her to give him milk, if she refuses to then find alternative childcare.

Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 10:13

NHS recent guidance..

NigellaSeed · 02/03/2021 10:14

Sorry but I would not forgive her. The second time she deliberately went against you both and made your child go hungry. That would really sour my relationship with her.

YoniAndGuy · 02/03/2021 10:15

I am sorry but you are at the point where you are going to be the one failing him if you send him again.

It is not even about the milk. She is wilfully ignoring your instructions about the most basic stuff. He was thirsty. Really thirsty. She had not even tried to give him the bottle, because you know full well that if she had he would have wolfed it down.

So there is something more going on here than a lovely fluffy granny who you all get on amaaaazingly well with, going oh I didn't realise, this happened so it seemed reasonable not to do X.

You MUST see this. It's a conscious choice - and three times - THREE times where you have made it clear that after X you want her to do Y - and she's said yes - and then, after X, she will be thinking - they want me to do Y now. You know what? I'm not going to.

There is something beneath the surface here. Jealousy? Wanting to control? Wanting to prove somehow that she can call shots? Don't forget, it's not always the pushy, bossy people who can be controlling, and it's sometimes big life changes like this which bring out odd behaviour in people.

She is deliberately going against what you want, and to a nasty, distressing degree - because this isn't about secretly ignoring your request not to let him see CBeebies, it's about leaving him hungry and possibly unhappy.

Unfortunately you are going to have to put your foot down very clearly - no more childminding, and a very direct question - why are you doing this, it's deliberate and you are treating him badly. Why?

Branleuse · 02/03/2021 10:15

id reiterate that youd like her to offer the afternoon bottle, but in all honesty, id be delighted for the free childcare and the bonding grandparent grandchild time. Its so much more important in many cases than an extra bottle

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread