Early riser guest

[PetalPath]

I had been seeing someone, on the third date, we ended up at my place for drinks in the early evening after having been out for the day. There had been no existing plan to come to my place, it was spontaneous.

As the time approached for local transport to stop running that evening, I mentioned in plenty of time, and later asked whether my guest would be using public transport or a taxi. Guest said public transport was fine, but continued to chat and laugh as the time approached.

Now, the taxi would have been a very hefty amount because of the distance between us, so I had to finally tell my guest if they did not set of in the next 20mins, they would be needing that taxi.

My guest then asked very nicely if they could stay over, I had not planned for this. I had been dealing with some things, and had barely slept in weeks. And having someone rattling around early in the morning would have woken me as a very light sleeper. I said it would be okay as long as my guest did not plan on getting up early as I was hoping to sleep in because of ongoing poor sleep.

This is the bit I was surprised by, my guest became quite huffy, and said they felt that was very controlling and rude, and left in a huff!
I thought it was pretty accommodating of me to say yes to an unplanned stay over, with someone who had waited deliberately until the last minute to tell me they would like to stay, without me inviting them to do so.

Was I being unreasonable?

This is all so weird.

Third date is classic shag territory so I assume they were disappointed that you weren’t salivating at the prospect of them staying and instead approached the discussion more formally

Well that got rid of him 😂.

You did the right thing, don’t worry about it.. his problem not yours !

Did this happen recently or some time ago?
It’s fine to have someone stay over on your terms. I don’t think you said anything too outlandish.

I don't think he was planning on either of you having much sleep......

I might add, he’s no gentleman if that was his response. The cheeky sod. I think you had a narrrow escape.

YANBU. You don’t just invite yourself to stay at someone’s house?!

YANBU but you do realise that your guest was angling for a shag?

Lucky escape. Don't see that person again!

I think he was more offended about the prospect of no sex tbh.

What a creep. It was very clearly his intention to stay over all along to get that 3rd date shag. Rude git inviting himself to stay and then sulking when you didn’t jump his bones immediately.

Very much sounds like they were hoping for a shag.

I presume they took offence that you weren’t picking up on their very heavy hint

The way the day had gone so far, I had made it pretty clear I wasn’t ready to be intimate in that way yet, not least of all because of sleep deprivation. My guest seemed fine with that earlier. Of course it’s not anything too unusual to want to stay when it’s late, however, the upset my stipulation caused, the redness of the face, and telling me it's really strange that I would suggest that.

This happened before the pandemic. Something happened today to remind me of it, and I wondered what the wise ladies here made if it. I thought it was a really unusual reaction out of any number of ways a person might react.

I would still make the same decision again but wondered if I had been reasonable. I wasn’t in a fit state to host anybody. Anyone who has suffered sleep deprivation will know what this feels like.

Their response was unacceptable. However you don't sound very keen on them in general (all sounds very formal for early days of dating) so good that it is all over now.

I think it’s OK to let it go, you didn’t do anything wrong and a decent date would’ve listened to your wishes and not thrown a strop.

Given this happened some time ago, have you seen or heard from him since?

To be completely honest, if I was at someone’s house and having a good time with them, I’d be pretty miffed if they kept asking how I was planning to get home and when.
It sounds like you were trying to get rid of them

I would walk away, not compatible

I think he was saying 'lets have sex' and you were saying 'you can sleep here but don't wake me up'. Not on the same page and his reaction was telling, he doesn't sound nice

The way the day had gone so far, I had made it pretty clear I wasn’t ready to be intimate in that way yet, not least of all because of sleep deprivation. My guest seemed fine with that earlier. Of course it’s not anything too unusual to want to stay when it’s late, however, the upset my stipulation caused, the redness of the face, and telling me it's really strange that I would suggest that.

I strongly suspect they were hopeful that a combination of alcohol and people-pleasing would make you give in. They got stroppy when they realised it hadn’t worked. They don’t sound like an especially nice person.

YANBU.

The territory around early dating and sex is notoriously rocky. So many unspoken cues, misinterpretations etc. He was probably hoping you would change your mind once you got to yours. His reaction was definitely OTT, but the most straightforward thing to do early on in a relationship is probably the end the day before it gets to the stage of being at one on your houses.

To be honest, I had still been getting to know this person, and what I had heard during the course of that day and evening didn’t make me fall in instant love... it sounded like they were on the rebound, from a relationship where someone did absolutely everything for them, and seemed quite proud and unashamed to admit this.

I would liked to have remained friends because we really did have lots of laughs and many similar interests. This person blocked me as soon as they got on their train that evening, that was part of the surprise of it all, and I heard nothing more. Probably still furious about it to this day.

YANBU, but if wanted to make it crystal clear to someone that I was not going to sleep with them on the first date I would not invite them back to my house.

YANBU OP and you have dodged a bullet by the sound of it.