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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Early riser guest

146 replies

PetalPath · 01/03/2021 11:30

I had been seeing someone, on the third date, we ended up at my place for drinks in the early evening after having been out for the day. There had been no existing plan to come to my place, it was spontaneous.

As the time approached for local transport to stop running that evening, I mentioned in plenty of time, and later asked whether my guest would be using public transport or a taxi. Guest said public transport was fine, but continued to chat and laugh as the time approached.

Now, the taxi would have been a very hefty amount because of the distance between us, so I had to finally tell my guest if they did not set of in the next 20mins, they would be needing that taxi.

My guest then asked very nicely if they could stay over, I had not planned for this. I had been dealing with some things, and had barely slept in weeks. And having someone rattling around early in the morning would have woken me as a very light sleeper. I said it would be okay as long as my guest did not plan on getting up early as I was hoping to sleep in because of ongoing poor sleep.

This is the bit I was surprised by, my guest became quite huffy, and said they felt that was very controlling and rude, and left in a huff!
I thought it was pretty accommodating of me to say yes to an unplanned stay over, with someone who had waited deliberately until the last minute to tell me they would like to stay, without me inviting them to do so.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

mainsfed · 01/03/2021 14:41

You did give mixed messages throughout the evening.

I don’t see that at all. OP was being nice to save her the taxi fare.

A third date doesn’t guarantee you sex.

Original poster

PetalPath · 01/03/2021 14:43

@Ellpellwood

She pushed your boundaries, you caved, caved and caved. Then you stood up to her. That's why she's upset, she thought she could keep pushing.

This.

And yes it does make a difference if it's a man or woman, honestly, when asking on a forum with a lot of straight women on it. Friends who are online dating (friends are women, dating men) will tell you that there is a particular type of man with a mysogynistic view of women and sex out there. It is quite often the reason they are single in the first place and, as we have seen here, they have quite a consistent set of "tricks" they pull!

Unfortunately, the same goes for a small number of women, hopefully not from misogynistic roots though. I would say emotional difficulties of one sort or another.

I have had the experience before of being out on a date with a woman, staying out late, assuming she would be able to get home, and being told she could not, because her last train had left, and it was too much to get a taxi, so it was simple enough to just stay with me, an assumption. In that case, I simply paid for her taxi. I didn’t want to lead her on or have a scene by staying over, and I didn’t like the idea of her trying to get home through dangerous areas.

Having been through something like that, I know it happens, out or wherever, I just didn’t think it would on this occasion! The insistence to stay was so strong and overt, and so no wonder my would be overnight guest was quite upset at the end.

Yes, it is a different when it is a woman, because she was still being sweet and looked so small and defenceless to go out into the night... but it really was her choice to stay so many hours, and she is a mature adult. It was a tricky situation to end up in and I own my part of it. Never again!

OP posts:

2bazookas · 01/03/2021 14:45

The old "missed the last bus" trick. "It's ok, I'll sleep on the sofa/floor".

Do people still fall for that one?

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 14:46

@Ellpellwood

And yes it does make a difference if it's a man or woman, honestly, when asking on a forum with a lot of straight women on it

How does it make a difference, exactly?

2bazookas · 01/03/2021 14:58

[quote Eckhart]@Ellpellwood

And yes it does make a difference if it's a man or woman, honestly, when asking on a forum with a lot of straight women on it

How does it make a difference, exactly?[/quote]
Don't be naive.

Being a straight woman does not spare one the unwanted advances of lesbians. Any more than being a straight man spares him from unwanted advances by hetero women.

Original poster

PetalPath · 01/03/2021 15:07

It is a question asking for clarification in order to understand one another better, which in no way suggests naivety, quite the opposite, in my humble opinion.

OP posts:

BloggersBlog · 01/03/2021 15:08

But it only matters if OP had stated if she was male or female. As it is anonymous we would have no idea. Could guess yes, but that's all

ginghamtablecloths · 01/03/2021 15:15

You dodged a bullet. If he's going to get huffy about something like this when you barely know him just think how much worse he'd get when he's no longer on that 'early relationship best behaviour' lark.

Let him stay gone. Better fish in the sea.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 01/03/2021 15:25

I think a lot of people would think you might be up for a shag if you spontaneously invited them back to your place on date number 3. So I don't think your date was BU in thinking you might be up for it. But it is totally unacceptable to try to push your boundaries or to be rude, once you made it clear that you weren't.

Ellpellwood · 01/03/2021 15:39

[quote Eckhart]@Ellpellwood

And yes it does make a difference if it's a man or woman, honestly, when asking on a forum with a lot of straight women on it

How does it make a difference, exactly?[/quote]
Bother to read the rest of my post, did you?

Forum, populated by many straight women, were assuming OP was a woman and the guest a man. Lots of "Oh ho, third date, trying to get his leg over, typical bloke, do they still try that one?"

It's very dismissive, and unhelpful when she was... not a man.

Original poster

PetalPath · 01/03/2021 15:42

Since she was not a man, and was doing a similar thing...

OP posts:

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 15:43

@Ellpellwood

You seem to be making the point that it doesn't make a difference though, as the behaviour could have equally been exhibited by a man or a woman.

Bother to read the rest of my post, did you

There's no need for this.

Ellpellwood · 01/03/2021 15:44

And this, as the OP says.

Yes, it is a different when it is a woman, because she was still being sweet and looked so small and defenceless to go out into the night...

I'd struggle with asking a woman to leave in the dark on her own without a car. Whether a date, friend, or female acquaintance.

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 15:46

@2bazookas

Don't be naive

Being a straight woman does not spare one the unwanted advances of lesbians. Any more than being a straight man spares him from unwanted advances by hetero women

I'm not naive. I seem to be making the same point as you: the unwanted advances could equally have been made to/by a straight or gay woman/man.

So there's no need for OP to specify the sex of the involved parties, is there? And if there is a need, what is it?

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 01/03/2021 15:47

I can see a relevance for the gender.

A woman who is dating a man makes an assessment of her own safety before going to his place or inviting him to hers. A woman dating a woman has to make a similar assessment and I’m not suggesting that women can’t be dangerous but the balance of physical power is different. I wonder if OP would have been so relaxed about inviting a man back.

Ellpellwood · 01/03/2021 15:49

I'm saying it makes a difference to the quality and usefulness of the replies. Not the situation.

Like... for example, woman posts about custody of children and her "partner". There is no point in a load of replies about how the courts generally favour the woman/mum versus man/dad if there isn't one.

And frankly there was no need for the "how, exactly" in your post. It means "Please explain your wrong opinion."

Original poster

PetalPath · 01/03/2021 15:54

I would not have been as relaxed about inviting anyone who was more physically powerful or trained in some sort of martial art.
A woman can be both those things, or perhaps even have a fondness for concealed weapons and an unstable or violent mind.
None of those signs were apparent after a third meeting, and even though you can never say there is no risk, the risk appeared minimal at the time. I hadn’t considered the risk of embarrassment and awkwardness as much as I should have however!

OP posts:

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 15:55

@Ellpellwood

I'm saying it makes a difference to the quality and usefulness of the replies. Not the situation.

And frankly there was no need for the "how, exactly" in your post. It means "Please explain your wrong opinion."

It actually means 'Could you explain how you mean, exactly?'

Your defensive interpretation of a reasonable query is your gubbins. I'm not here to squabble. You carry on, if you like, though.

Ellpellwood · 01/03/2021 15:58

Ok, if you can't see the difference between "Why does it make a difference?" and "How, exactly, does it make a difference?" then I can't help you. Go forth and post.

StanfordPines · 01/03/2021 15:58

But if she didn’t stay over how do you know she was an early riser?

Sunnyrainydays · 01/03/2021 16:00

YADNBU
Sounds really creepy tbh. You're well rid. You did nothing wrong!!!

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 16:02

@Ellpellwood

Ok, if you can't see the difference between "Why does it make a difference?" and "How, exactly, does it make a difference?" then I can't help you. Go forth and post.

Thanks. Good to have your permission.

Sorry for the derail, @PetalPath

LoveYourUsername · 01/03/2021 16:04

If only @PetalPath you had followed lockdown rules, you would not have had this dilemma.

You cannot have someone at home if you are in the UK (?) unless you are going to bubble with them and they you, and see no one else.

Apologies in advance if you are in the Arctic or somewhere free from Covid.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 01/03/2021 16:06

@LoveYourUsername

If only *@PetalPath* you had followed lockdown rules, you would not have had this dilemma.

You cannot have someone at home if you are in the UK (?) unless you are going to bubble with them and they you, and see no one else.

Apologies in advance if you are in the Arctic or somewhere free from Covid.

“This happened before the pandemic.”

TheByngster · 01/03/2021 16:18

They were rude, but I suspect they think you a bit odd.

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