Early riser guest

[PetalPath]

I had been seeing someone, on the third date, we ended up at my place for drinks in the early evening after having been out for the day. There had been no existing plan to come to my place, it was spontaneous.

As the time approached for local transport to stop running that evening, I mentioned in plenty of time, and later asked whether my guest would be using public transport or a taxi. Guest said public transport was fine, but continued to chat and laugh as the time approached.

Now, the taxi would have been a very hefty amount because of the distance between us, so I had to finally tell my guest if they did not set of in the next 20mins, they would be needing that taxi.

My guest then asked very nicely if they could stay over, I had not planned for this. I had been dealing with some things, and had barely slept in weeks. And having someone rattling around early in the morning would have woken me as a very light sleeper. I said it would be okay as long as my guest did not plan on getting up early as I was hoping to sleep in because of ongoing poor sleep.

This is the bit I was surprised by, my guest became quite huffy, and said they felt that was very controlling and rude, and left in a huff!
I thought it was pretty accommodating of me to say yes to an unplanned stay over, with someone who had waited deliberately until the last minute to tell me they would like to stay, without me inviting them to do so.

Was I being unreasonable?

[dontdisturbmenow]

So if you meet someone you are prepared to take things forward with, are you going to tell them the first time you spend the night together that they better not get out of bed before 10am before you let them touch you?

It's that part that is odd. You should have said no to them staying end of. The bit about letting you sleep in the morning us odd.

[user8877665544]

[quote littlepattilou]@PetalPath

Why all the cloak and dagger shit about the gender of 'the guest?'

It must take so much effort to keep putting 'my guest' and 'them' and 'they' and 'their' !!

Why do people do this on here?

I can't be arsed to respond to posts like this.[/quote]
Quite agree with this post and previous responses to it.

I do have sympathy with OP actually but it is very off putting. It is like, I would like your advice people but I don't even trust you enough to tell you the actual details. Feels manipulative somehow, like they want to end up being able to say, "a-ha, see, that's where you're wrong see. You're assumptions are wrong now let's all laugh at this response".

The sex of the people is relevant, maybe in an ideal world it would not be but we are not there yet and may never be because sex/sexuality does inform thoughts, feelings, expectations and actions of the indivuals concerned.

[PetalPath]

I underestimated how much people would mind not revealing the sexes... I had been trying to keep some of my privacy, since all sorts of people read this site. Makes me wonder if my former date had posted about this herself when it happened. I would suspect though that it’s not a hugely rare occurrence between people getting to know each other.

Since it seems to makes such a huge difference, we are both women. And I have no intention of laughing at anybody, I wanted to get some feedback, and it’s been thoughtful and kind feedback on the whole so far, and has given me food for thought.

[mainsfed]

I think he was angry that you asserted yourself.

[mainsfed]

It's great you have healthy boundaries, ditch him!

[Jobseeker19]

I think OP kept asking because the person kept putting it off.

I think it was very mature to speak up instead of feeling pressured into letting them stay on their terms. They couldn't take the hint and kept pushing.

You should also be able to invite someone to your house without them expecting sex or for them to trick you into letting them stay over with the fake 'oh, look at the time' trick!

They got bagged in their game.

[picklemewalnuts]

She pushed your boundaries, you caved, caved and caved. Then you stood up to her. That's why she's upset, she thought she could keep pushing.

Well done for standing firm, next time get firm sooner!

[Eckhart]

It is like, I would like your advice people but I don't even trust you enough to tell you the actual details. Feels manipulative somehow, like they want to end up being able to say, "a-ha, see, that's where you're wrong see. You're assumptions are wrong now let's all laugh at this response

These sorts of response say more about the people who post them. The assumption that OP would not reveal details of her story simply so that she could laugh at people is a massive leap, and really just a bit silly.

She's made a valid post about her feelings, and the details she omitted weren't actually relevant to the situation as it would be the same for either sex.

If you feel manipulated, that's your prerogative, but in this situation, the best way to avoid the manipulator would be to not respond, rather than making accusations against them.

[mainsfed]

Cross-post! Ditch her!

[Cocomarine]

@PetalPath

To be honest, I had still been getting to know this person, and what I had heard during the course of that day and evening didn’t make me fall in instant love... it sounded like they were on the rebound, from a relationship where someone did absolutely everything for them, and seemed quite proud and unashamed to admit this.

I would liked to have remained friends because we really did have lots of laughs and many similar interests. This person blocked me as soon as they got on their train that evening, that was part of the surprise of it all, and I heard nothing more. Probably still furious about it to this day.

I suspect she’s forgotten all about it.

Yes, sounds like she was angling for a shag. But - we weren’t there, so we can’t say whether this business about the taxi was you telling that no, she’s not staying, or you mentioning it in that round about way people sometimes do, to work out if the other person is interested in staying.

If the evening had so far seemed to me like one where the other person also wanted me to stay, I might be a bit, “WTF?” about stipulations over what time I was allowed to get up. I’d find that very odd, and off putting.

[Ellpellwood]

She pushed your boundaries, you caved, caved and caved. Then you stood up to her. That's why she's upset, she thought she could keep pushing.

This.

And yes it does make a difference if it's a man or woman, honestly, when asking on a forum with a lot of straight women on it. Friends who are online dating (friends are women, dating men) will tell you that there is a particular type of man with a mysogynistic view of women and sex out there. It is quite often the reason they are single in the first place and, as we have seen here, they have quite a consistent set of "tricks" they pull!

[PetalPath]

@Jobseeker19

This is exactly how it happened. I only began to mention the local transport times when it was already very late and I began to get vibes that she really had no intention of going anywhere. Up until then, it was a very relaxed and enjoyable time... which is why this final turn was so surprising!
She was not earning a great deal, and I didn’t want to saddle her with a huge taxi bill without fair warning. I felt quite bad for her and tried to be as gentle and accommodating as I could be without being railroaded and feeling uncomfortable (with yet another night's poor sleep).

I got over the sleep problem thereafter, it was still a significantly debilitating problem at the time. In normal circumstances, I don’t mind what time someone wakes up, and especially not if they have been invited!

[mainsfed]

@Cocomarine

If the evening had so far seemed to me like one where the other person also wanted me to stay, I might be a bit, “WTF?” about stipulations over what time I was allowed to get up. I’d find that very odd, and off putting.

She was uninvited! Of course she has to abide by her host's rules.

[mainsfed]

OP didn't want her to stay Coco

[B3ttyBoop]

Yanbu. I think your date was being tricky and a bit manipulative. They were dragging their heels about public transport thus foisting their company on you overnight. And then they had a strop when you explained you didn't want to be disturbed early morning. The rebound situation makes alot of sense here: sensitive to perceived rejection, looking for distractions etc

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@Turnedouttoes

To be completely honest, if I was at someone’s house and having a good time with them, I’d be pretty miffed if they kept asking how I was planning to get home and when.
It sounds like you were trying to get rid of them

Most people, if they thought someone was trying to get rid of them would say "Heavens! Is that the time? I have to walk the dog/ shampoo the carpet/ clean out the fishtank. I'd better get off - thank you for a great evening. Give me a call and we'll sort another time out."

[therealteamdebbie]

I only have experience with men, but for what it's worth, I would NEVER invite a date back unless I am fine with him staying the night.

I wouldn't invite him for diner either.

Obviously I reserve the right to change my mind, but that doesn't change anything.

There are enough public places available if you don't want to be too close.

[therealteamdebbie]

Most people, if they thought someone was trying to get rid of them would say "Heavens! Is that the time? I have to walk the dog/ shampoo the carpet/ clean out the fishtank. I'd better get off - thank you for a great evening. Give me a call and we'll sort another time out."

and delete and block your number immediately.

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I had been trying to keep some of my privacy, since all sorts of people read this site.

I don't think revealing the sex of the people involved would have given away your identity - you're not the only lesbian on Mumsnet. Plus everyone guessed anyway.

Also weird title - your "guest" didn't stay over, so how do you even know whether they're an early riser?!

Anyway, fwiw I don't think you did anything wrong, and she should have taken the hint that you didn't want things to progress on that occasion.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@therealteamdebbie

Most people, if they thought someone was trying to get rid of them would say "Heavens! Is that the time? I have to walk the dog/ shampoo the carpet/ clean out the fishtank. I'd better get off - thank you for a great evening. Give me a call and we'll sort another time out."

and delete and block your number immediately.

[KnobblyWand]

She was barking up the wrong tree and was really embarrassed, and it looks like she took it out on you. Don't give it another thought.

[dontdisturbmenow]

which is why this final turn was so surprising!
But it shouldn't have been.

You should have made it clear when it was the last time she could go and get the bus that she had to go. You should have said then that she couldn't stay but you didn't and indeed, you did say that she could stay under odd expectations.

You did give mixed messages throughout the evening.

[Gwegowygwiggs]

YABU for keep calling your date "your guest"

[VeganCow]

Well, thank goodness they shone a bright light on their twatty side so early on because you can now cut her loose. What a controlling, moody, presumtuous diva.

[LibrariesGiveUsPower45321]

Crikey you dodged a bullet there.