Early riser guest

[PetalPath]

I had been seeing someone, on the third date, we ended up at my place for drinks in the early evening after having been out for the day. There had been no existing plan to come to my place, it was spontaneous.

As the time approached for local transport to stop running that evening, I mentioned in plenty of time, and later asked whether my guest would be using public transport or a taxi. Guest said public transport was fine, but continued to chat and laugh as the time approached.

Now, the taxi would have been a very hefty amount because of the distance between us, so I had to finally tell my guest if they did not set of in the next 20mins, they would be needing that taxi.

My guest then asked very nicely if they could stay over, I had not planned for this. I had been dealing with some things, and had barely slept in weeks. And having someone rattling around early in the morning would have woken me as a very light sleeper. I said it would be okay as long as my guest did not plan on getting up early as I was hoping to sleep in because of ongoing poor sleep.

This is the bit I was surprised by, my guest became quite huffy, and said they felt that was very controlling and rude, and left in a huff!
I thought it was pretty accommodating of me to say yes to an unplanned stay over, with someone who had waited deliberately until the last minute to tell me they would like to stay, without me inviting them to do so.

Was I being unreasonable?

[ThanksItHasPockets]

Sorry, third date - or indeed any.

[user1493413286]

I’d be more concerned at someone pushing to stay over when you’ve been clear you don’t want to be intimate yet; I think that’s what they were angling for and completely ignored your boundaries

[GreenlandTheMovie]

@PetalPath

To be honest, I had still been getting to know this person, and what I had heard during the course of that day and evening didn’t make me fall in instant love... it sounded like they were on the rebound, from a relationship where someone did absolutely everything for them, and seemed quite proud and unashamed to admit this.

I would liked to have remained friends because we really did have lots of laughs and many similar interests. This person blocked me as soon as they got on their train that evening, that was part of the surprise of it all, and I heard nothing more. Probably still furious about it to this day.

They were just looking for casual sex. Easy come, easy go. Nothing wrong with what you said, they could have responded by offering you more reassurance. Putting up even basic boundaries is a good way of sifting out the casual shagfer type

[AryaStarkWolf]

from a relationship where someone did absolutely everything for them, and seemed quite proud and unashamed to admit this.

Lucky escape then. It's a good thing they had this little melt down so early on, saved you a lot of heartache probably

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

Their behaviour in blocking you tells you everything you need to know.

It's never unreasonable to say not to an unexpected night's stay - unless it is someone you know and trust and who is having some sort of emergency.

Anyway, your date was clearly after sex and took a 'no' badly, so....not a goer.

[PetalPath]

Very true that it was not a good idea to be in my home at all. Lesson well learned. Got carried away and wanted to continue the fun day. To be honest, I did not expect my guest to stay so long!

If it were me, and it is the first time I’m in someone’s home, I definitely do not assume I am staying, and I wouldn’t assume I should stay there until I am asked to leave. I would probably make preparations and noises to leave in a way I could get myself home without too many complications, and leave it to my host to offer that I should stay or not...
Is thus really considered too formal nowadays?

[ArcheryAnnie]

Bullet dodged, OP! You did nothing wrong, and he sounded like a right chancer who doesn't like it when women set boundaries. Ugh.

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

They wanted sex, and they probably assumed that when you invited them back to yours, that was going to happen.

You don't sound very "in" to them, though, so probably not worse losing too much sleep over it.

[VettiyaIruken]

They were angling for a shag.
Whoops, accidentally overstayed. So late now, can I kip on the 'sofa'.

Ha. Old as the hills that one.

[katy1213]

Think you solved a lot of problems by getting rid of that one on a third date!

[littlepattilou]

@PetalPath

Why all the cloak and dagger shit about the gender of 'the guest?'

It must take so much effort to keep putting 'my guest' and 'them' and 'they' and 'their' !!

Why do people do this on here?

I can't be arsed to respond to posts like this.

[VettiyaIruken]

Just noticed you said this happened ages ago.
How have things been since then?
Are you still seeing her or has it fizzled out?

[littlepattilou]

And yeah I am aware I have 'responded' But I mean I can't be arsed to respond to the 'dilemma!'

[duchesspodcast]

Don't let someone else's rude behaviour make you doubt yourself.

Remember some people are just not very nice, or respectful.

[AryaStarkWolf]

[quote littlepattilou]@PetalPath

Why all the cloak and dagger shit about the gender of 'the guest?'

It must take so much effort to keep putting 'my guest' and 'them' and 'they' and 'their' !!

Why do people do this on here?

I can't be arsed to respond to posts like this.[/quote]
I was thinking that as well actually. The only reason I can think of is so everyone assumes they're a man and then a few pages in the OP reveals that actually it was a woman all along

[milinhas]

I would feel similarly to you if I was at a new friends house for the first time. However, on a date it’s different and probably better not to go to either’s house to prevent misunderstandings of this kind in future!

[littlepattilou]

@ColdBrightClearMorning

This is all so weird.

My thoughts exactly

[dontdisturbmenow]

Got carried away and wanted to continue the fun day
You made it not a very relaxing one in the end.

If you didn't want him to stay, you should have been firmer and showing him the door when you knew he had to get the bus.

Telling him he can stay but can't get up way is raising alarm bell of being quite uptight.

Either you like him and relax a bit from your normal routine as you get to know eachother. Or you don't care much for him, value your sleep more and you shouldn't have bothered I biting him to yours in the first place.

[dancingbymyself]

It's a bit strange to call yourself the host if it was a date...it's different to inviting a friend around!

A third date is generally thought to be the 'sleepover' date, so if you invite them to yours, they (wrongly) made that assumption.

But probably best if you don't think of yourself as a host for future dates. That's just kind of the wrong dynamic, iyswim?

[SackofTurtles]

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson

The way the day had gone so far, I had made it pretty clear I wasn’t ready to be intimate in that way yet, not least of all because of sleep deprivation. My guest seemed fine with that earlier. Of course it’s not anything too unusual to want to stay when it’s late, however, the upset my stipulation caused, the redness of the face, and telling me it's really strange that I would suggest that.

I strongly suspect they were hopeful that a combination of alcohol and people-pleasing would make you give in. They got stroppy when they realised it hadn’t worked. They don’t sound like an especially nice person.

This exactly. They thought a shag was on the cards, and then not only did you not play ball, but you made it very clear you were more concerned with your own sleep quality and with your ability to sleep undisturbed in the morning than with either (a) sleeping with them, or (b) pretending you were at least halfway interested in sleeping with them, and your 'guest' stropped off.

Well played, OP. This person sounds awful, and you clearly set an axe to the core of their self-esteem and entitlement, while being entirely polite.

In future, for God's sake, don't spontaneously invite someone you barely know back to your house. It's not safe, apart from anything else.

[User57392985]

littlepattilou

@PetalPath

Why all the cloak and dagger shit about the gender of 'the guest?' confused

It must take so much effort to keep putting 'my guest' and 'them' and 'they' and 'their' !! confused

Why do people do this on here?

I can't be arsed to respond to posts like this.

grin I was thinking that as well actually. The only reason I can think of is so everyone assumes they're a man and then a few pages in the OP reveals that actually it was a woman all along

Agree. I just read this assuming it's two women. Maybe OP is a man though. Either way the guest's behaviour is poor behaviour of course, so why the need to be all vague.

Same when people post about their kids not specifying boy or girl. It doesn't make a difference and it won't be a surprise either way, so why go to the bother of being all elusive.

[Eckhart]

You didn't want the person to stay. You made it clear, politely.

Which part of your actions do you think might have been unreasonable, specifically?

[TillyTopper]

That's a big red flag if your date gets huffy just because you don't sleep with him! Run would be my advice.

[NotTerfNorCis]

Doesn't sound good. He was putting on the pressure despite knowing you weren't ready. If he'd have stayed, he would have put on more pressure and things could have turned pretty bad.

[littlepattilou]

littlepattilou


Why all the cloak and dagger shit about the gender of 'the guest?'

It must take so much effort to keep putting 'my guest' and 'them' and 'they' and 'their' !!

Why do people do this on here?

@AryaStarkWolf

I was thinking that as well actually. The only reason I can think of is so everyone assumes they're a man and then a few pages in the OP reveals that actually it was a woman all along.

Possibly. So annoying isn't it?!

@User57392985

Agree. I just read this assuming it's two women. Maybe OP is a man though. Either way the guest's behaviour is poor behaviour of course, so why the need to be all vague.

Same when people post about their kids not specifying boy or girl. It doesn't make a difference and it won't be a surprise either way, so why go to the bother of being all elusive.


I know right. Just say if the person is male or female FFS. Saying 'they' and 'their' and 'them' and 'my guest' all the way through is just batshit and weird, and makes it annoying to read through!!!