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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She is 18, he is 34!

340 replies

ManyBooksLittleTime · 28/02/2021 09:03

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 28/02/2021 09:09

He's a dirty perv. No well adjusted man in his 30s would want an 18 year old girl. He'd be looking to meet someone reasonably closer in age, with a bit of life experience.
YANBU.

PepeSilviaDoesNotExist · 28/02/2021 09:09

YANBU to want to protect her. He sounds like he treats her badly.

I have no real advice can you tell her it’s something you can look into later in the year to try and buy some time for the relationship to run it’s course? This way you’re not saying no just asking her to wait.

There’s nothing stopping him getting a flat for him to live in, she doesn’t need to move in with him straight away.

TheRaccoon · 28/02/2021 09:11

I’m not sure what your daughter is like, but at 18 I wouldn’t have listened to my parents one iota about my relationship choices. In all likelihood this will fizzle out when she realises he doesn’t make her happy/they don’t have much in common/she finds someone better.

By all means pass on your concerns but I don’t think there is much you can really do to stop her moving in with him unfortunately.

MyLittleOrangutan · 28/02/2021 09:11

Jesus that's a bit overbearing isn't it?
The birthday and valentines is bad but you dont know anything else about that. And if he was 18 you wouldn't be getting worked up about it (or maybe you would.)

I was 18 when I met 40yo DH, my parents were like you, i didn't see my dad for two years because he couldn't accept him. Now he loves him and we spend every other weekend together. He's the favourite SIL because, despite being alot older, he's a lovely man.

You cant stop her, she's a grown woman, so all you'll do is make her choose, I didn't choose my parents, she probably wont, and then she wont be able to come to you for support if it is going wrong. And if it goes right at what point will you appologise and ask to be apart of their lives? Or will you just let this keep you apart forever?

Accept it, keep them close, be open minded, support her.

BrokenLink · 28/02/2021 09:12

The age difference is big, which is a red flag for him preferring a more vulnerable partner. What I find particularly concerning is the fact that she is often upset by him. You are in an unenviable position, because if you raise your concerns he can use this to drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Without you in close contact she is far more vulnerable.

Youllbeoldertoo · 28/02/2021 09:15

34 lives at home, unemployed (until she got him a job) he sounds a real catch...all you can do is let her get on with it though and upper her. She is an adult hopefully she will she he’s is a waster all .

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 28/02/2021 09:16

I was going to say YABU and to butt out of your daughter's affairs. She is 18 and legally an adult.

However, my husband is 34 and he wouldn't dream of going near an 18 year old. Like another PP has said, you would have thought he'd prefer someone older with a bit of life experience. And I thought it was dodgy as hell that he kept his hood up so you couldn't see him. He obviously knows what he is doing isn't right - why else does he feel the need to hide away?

Unfortunately OP the more you intrude, the more you'll push your daughter away. The only advice I could give is to be there for your daughter if and when she needs you. She will need you when this relationship falls to pieces.

Flowers
Youllbeoldertoo · 28/02/2021 09:16

And support her*

user1487194234 · 28/02/2021 09:17

The more you are against him the more she will want him.
I would be upset too ,but she is an adult and all you can do is express your concerns and pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong

When I was 18 if you had searched against my boyfriend and stalked him to my place of work,I would have stopped contact with you/for a long time

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 28/02/2021 09:19

Hi, thanks for your responses. We are definitely concerned about how to approach this . So far we have just asked him to wait 3 months until after her college course has finished. We are just trying to delay things.
He lives in a family house of 9 and doesn't like it. It just feels as he is using her as a means of escape. Despite the age gap, he seems reliant on her.

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 28/02/2021 09:19

She's an adult. You can't stop this, the only thing that you can do is to be there if it fails. Attempting to interfere now could jeopardise your ability to do that.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/02/2021 09:20

I'd be suspicious of a 34 year old dating a 17yo (that's half his age!).

Unfortunately, she is an adult. You may have to let her make her own mistakes while maintaining your relationship so you can be there to support her if required.

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 28/02/2021 09:21

We didn't stalk him to his place of work. We picked her up from work. She doesn't know about the searches, we told her we saw him and could tell he is mid thirties. Most of their relationship has been him dating a 17 year old

OP posts:
Itsnotyouitsmeiswear · 28/02/2021 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/02/2021 09:22

@MyLittleOrangutan maybe a big age gap worked for you, but relationships with this kind of age gap fail more often than succeed.

There's a power imbalance, with the older person taking control (been there, ex was older). An 18 year old may be a legal adult but rarely has the maturity to have an equal relationship with someone that much older.

OP, I can only suggest you step back for now, keep the doors open and be ready to talk when your DD is ready.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 28/02/2021 09:22

I think you need to empower her. Tell her you trust her to make her own decisions and that if she ever changed her mind or needed any support you're there.id tell her that his age is a bit of a red flag because without knowing him, him choosing an 18yr old indicates he prefers a certain power balance and a more vulnerable partner rather than an equal one. But you trust her to protect herself from that if it later becomes clear that is the case. Tell her you'll follow her lead because it's her decision and you'll always try to be fair to him and give him a chance out of respect for her.

B33Fr33 · 28/02/2021 09:23

I'd be against it mainly because he's already showing himself to be a shit partner upsetting her and ignoring her, I'd be encouraging her and her friends to point out she deserves better!
To me yes Its a hell of a creepy age gap. I've never met someone in this scenario where it wasn't clear there was something coercive and off about the scenario.

DianaT1969 · 28/02/2021 09:24

What is going on with your daughter that she wants to move in with a man who makes her cry? A man who didn't have a job and has been living with his parents?
Why does she think he is all she deserves? Low self-esteem? I'd be offering to pay for some counselling for her. If not, she'll make a mistake with this man and carry on repeating the behaviour all her life.
She may not accept. But I'd offer.
I can only say that at 18 I was mature and there is no way I'd be attracted to a 34-year old unemployed man.

eatsleepread · 28/02/2021 09:25

Women his own age wouldn't be impressed by a loser like him at all. A naive 18 year old is the best he could hope to attract Angry

GlendaBulb · 28/02/2021 09:25

You need to tread very carefully as he will be very manipulative. Keep it all rosy: your door stays open, you’re not negative about him, she can talk freely. That way she knows she can come back to your house anytime, but more importantly it will let him lower his guard, as you don’t appear to be any threat, in fact you seem to be a bit dim.

My sister has been through this. We drew up a comprehensive battle plan, he felt very comfortable with our family. It gave my gentle naive 17 year old niece space to see the light and eventually fire him off. She never speaks of this time now, I think she is embarrassed that she could have been so silly. She wasn’t silly, she was young.

He went on to repeat the behaviour at least twice elsewhere. We later discovered that his father had done time for paedophilia.

SummerWhisper · 28/02/2021 09:25

Talk to her like an adult. Find out why she has such a low bar. Ask her why a boyfriend would choose to ignore a birthday and valentine's day. Talk to her about control and abuse. Don't ever make it about him, always about the type of behaviour. Buy her Why Does He Do That for her kindle (so he hopefully won't know what she's reading). She is lucky to have great parents because she will need you Flowers

Ohdoleavemealone · 28/02/2021 09:27

This is disturbing but be careful in your approach. At 17 I dated a guy 7 years older and my parents tried to stop me. It just made it worse. I felt like I had to prove that we would work because I knew I had hurt my parents and didn't want that to be for nothing.
The reality is, if they had been accepting, a lot of the excitement of sneaking around would disappear and I would have got bored much sooner.
Tell her you want to spend more time with him to get to know him and you think they need to be a couple out of lockdown before they move in together. Don't tell her you don't want them to live together for that she is too young.

HairyChin · 28/02/2021 09:31

I don't know what to say.

I sympathise but please tread carefully as others have said.

I was 21 and dated a man in his late 40s.

Parents never knew and thankfully it fizzled out ( I left the county as he got a bit serious and I got scared).

However, at that age, you think you know everything, so please do be careful with how you approach things. You don't want her running into his arms even more because of the actions of her parents towards her ( however upset and angry you
may feel).

DDiva · 28/02/2021 09:32

To be honest I wouldn't make such a big thing about the age gap, it's a bit if a red flag but dosnt havd to be an issue. Ultimately how he treats her is the most important thing and I think you should share your concerns with her, make sure she knows just cos hes older doesn't make his behaviour ok.

SummerWhisper · 28/02/2021 09:32

Being reliant on her is absolutely alarming. I am even more worried after reading that. You really do need to keep the door wide open. How does he rely on her?

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