Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She is 18, he is 34!

340 replies

ManyBooksLittleTime · 28/02/2021 09:03

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/03/2021 18:26

I wouldn't want my 18 year,old DD with him.He sounds like a right Arse hole. His age doesnt even factor into it. They're both of the age of consent.
No laws are being broken. There is sadly not much you can do. The more you try to push people apart the more you put them together. No one likes being dictated it. Although she's still your baby she's adult none the less.
You'll just need to be there to pick up the pieces if they need should need picking up.

AIMD · 05/03/2021 18:27

I met aged 33 years old when I was 18 and moved in with him. It was an awful decision and although the relationship wasn’t abusive in the more obvious ways there was an imbalance of power.

When we got a flat he lost his job and although I was younger I sorted everything practically and financially.

Thank goddess we broke up after 6 months and I went back home for a short while before going off to uni.

When I think back now, I’m disgusted at him. I’m 36 now and wouldn’t dream of having a relationship with an 18 year old. I consider that a massive red flag.

Have you done a Claire’s law app on him to see if he had any history of domestic abuse (I think they’d inform your daughter rather than you).

My parents were always kind and never shut me out. That helped me feel safe going home. Though I sometimes had wish they had done more to stop the relationship/ moving I’m not sure I would have listened.

Do what you can to keep her connected and engaged with her and her friends so she doesn’t become isolated by him.

Spagootiba · 05/03/2021 18:53

Not so much the age thing necessarily. But flag are going up at him upsetting her by ignoring her 18th, valentines day and hiding himself from you with a hoodie.

Obviously at 18 (depending what country your in) she is legally an adult, so there isn't much you can do. Be there for her though and try and be supportive, get to know this guy. If it goes well and he's a mature, caring partner, great. If he isn't, make sure she knows you will always be on her side and there if she needs it.

billy1966 · 05/03/2021 18:57

@Songsofexperience

Real words of calm experience, but clearly she was a young woman who had the confidence to break out.

It takes a particularly strong woman to grow, mature, carve out an identity when you have hooked up so early.

So many don't.

I have met a few in my life, there isn't any abuse but there definitely is that feeling of NEVER being an adult in their own life.

That is the key.

Never being a fully functioning ADULT in their own life.

That is the horror for me if it was my daughter.
@AIMD
Good post too.

sewbrilliant13 · 08/03/2021 13:21

@MyLittleOrangutan

Jesus that's a bit overbearing isn't it? The birthday and valentines is bad but you dont know anything else about that. And if he was 18 you wouldn't be getting worked up about it (or maybe you would.)

I was 18 when I met 40yo DH, my parents were like you, i didn't see my dad for two years because he couldn't accept him. Now he loves him and we spend every other weekend together. He's the favourite SIL because, despite being alot older, he's a lovely man.

You cant stop her, she's a grown woman, so all you'll do is make her choose, I didn't choose my parents, she probably wont, and then she wont be able to come to you for support if it is going wrong. And if it goes right at what point will you appologise and ask to be apart of their lives? Or will you just let this keep you apart forever?

Accept it, keep them close, be open minded, support her.

honey you're a victim...
Sparklybanana · 08/03/2021 13:56

I'd be more worried about the treatment than the age gap.
I dated a 32 Yr old when I was 18 but what really put me off is seeing another teenager at a uni club having tonsil tennis with a balding, trying to be young, 30 or 40 year old and it was really gross! I saw my relationship for the first time and saw that he was just using me. Oh boy did the mist lift quickly on that one!

She shouldn't be told what to do but tell her she deserves someone who loves her enough to remember her birthday and to equally provide to the relationship. Don't focus on the age gap as teens are stubborn and she could stay in a shitty relationship to spite you.

Original poster
ManyBooksLittleTime · 19/03/2021 17:24

Thank you to everyone that suggested I look into the past if this disgusting man. I've since discovered that he is extremely violent and has been arrested for domestic violence. My daughter ended the relationship, but unfortunately he talked her around after only a day. Despite a whole list of things from his past, she thinks it won't happen to her. I've actually run out of things to say to her now. I'll have to just let it take it's course

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/03/2021 17:54

That's deeply worrying, ManyBooks, as if it wasn't worrying enough anyway Hmm

Even worse is that she's allowed herself to be talked round by someone like this ... I just hope to god that she's got her contraception thoroughly sorted out

Raincoatdog · 19/03/2021 22:42

Really sorry to hear that Manybooks, with any hope she will grow tired of him when lockdown starts to lift and she wants to be out having fun with her friends. All you can do is be as supportive as possible so she feels she can stay open with you Flowers

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 22:47

Oh god, I'd want to lock the door and not let her out. Tell her never to be too proud to call you for help. It's horrendous, OP. I'm so sorry.

Whatwouldnanado · 19/03/2021 23:25

Nothing really to add to the advice above, just as a mum of dds 17 and 19 I really feel for you. Have you talked to her about contraception and keeping on track with her career?

Kateguide · 20/03/2021 09:58

Really sorry that this situation has taken another sinister turn. I think you need to read up on / get in touch with charities that specialise in these situations
Refuge and the Suzy Lamplugh Trust spring to mind.
Please go to their websites and seek advice. They have questionnaires on if you are in a healthy relationship. I am sure they could have predicted he would have come crawling back and they might have been able to equip your daughter on how to keep him at arms length.

Would you be able to talk to one of her close friends about this? I am sure they would be horrified.

I just wonder now, with his proven domestic violence history, could you make it clear that you don't want her to move in with him? Or would this make the situation worse?

Dullardmullard · 21/03/2021 13:59

If they will would the police contact her to tell her, her safety is at risk not sure on this as there would have to of been reports to police and he has a record.

Age is a factor here because he sees a young Lass he can mould and tell lies to that she’ll believe.

Keep being supportive though.

Runnerduck34 · 21/03/2021 14:07

My heart goes out to you op, you must feel helpless, clearly this man is bad news on all fronts and your dd is too young and naive to see through him.
Would she listen to her friends or siblings more than you .
Its important you keep seeing her and talking to her so shes knows you are there when she needs you and that her room is always there for her.
I hope it fizzles out soon .

CecilyP · 21/03/2021 14:23

Well done, OP. He sounds dreadful and I felt the age gap was the least of your worries. Claire’s law is a great thing and you have done your best. It must be absolutely devastating that she has been reeled back in after splitting up with him.

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open and be there for her. Try to prevent her moving in with him and as others have suggested, approach domestic violence charities for advice. I really feel for you!

SphJC · 21/03/2021 15:01

I was 20 when I started seeing my DP who was 30 at the time. My DM was very concerned and didn’t want me seeing him, she wanted me to get back with my ex boyfriend who was around my age. After DP and DM met, the tables have turned and 4+ years later, my DM adores him, as does DSD. I understand there is a big difference between 18/34 and 20/30 and I totally understand your concerns. If you were saying he is a great guy and the age difference was your only concern, I’d be telling you YABU, however the fact you’ve mentioned there is already problems in the relationship, I’d be having a really long and open chat with your DD. Sending love.

DdraigGoch · 21/03/2021 17:02

@SphJC it might be worth looking through the OP's more recent posts. It's somewhat more serious than "problems in the relationship". Frankly it doesn't really make much difference if she were 18 or 33. With his criminal past he'd be bad news either way.

cakecakecheese · 21/03/2021 17:41

Oh gosh just seen your update, what a worry.

My sister moved out of home at 17 to live with a man who was in his late 20s I think. It was awful, they lived in a series of bedsits and ended up renting a room in a houseshare, yet he had an expensive boy racer car, he was controlling and, it turned out, physically abusive. It didn't last too long as she did come to her senses.

It was so frustrating watching her with someone we knew was damaging for her but all we could do was let her know we were there for her.

I really hope it ends soon and your daughter will be ok.

Kateguide · 21/03/2021 18:10

@SphJC read the OPs last few comments. The age gap is literally the least worrying element of this low life. Your comment is really unhelpful

SphJC · 22/03/2021 12:45

@Kateguide I’m sorry you feel my comment is really unhelpful.

Kateguide · 22/03/2021 13:25

@SphJC I am sorry for being harsh - I am sure you meant well.

It's a pet-hate of mine on mumsnet that people comment on a relatively old thread, haven't even bothered to read through the OP's comments / updates and have said something totally irrelevant to where the situation is now.

A lot of AIBU posts are pretty funny, trivial, unimportant etc, however, this one is very serious and the last few posts from OP have contained menacing and frightening information on this man. Please read the thread or 'read the room' before commenting.

Just hoping OP and her daughter are OK

FabFreckle · 22/03/2021 18:20

@Kateguide I’m a MN newbie and didn’t realise the thread was so old. I hope I didn’t cause anyone offence, it was absolutely not my intention.

Kateguide · 22/03/2021 18:27

@FabFreckle

Hi FabFreckle

Don't worry. It is me just being hypersensitive - feel free to post what you like, I was just really worried for the poster and her daughter. I know your post came from a good place and I was being a grouch - apologies

Szyz2020 · 27/04/2021 17:11

@ManyBooksLittleTime just checking in to see how things are and if your daughter has managed to wean herself off this man. I have been thinking about you and hoping all is well. We have an age difference relationship here which worries me, our DD is not quite so young as yours and fortunately her bf is a nice guy - but we worry so much about the wisdom of the choices she’s making!

NewlyGranny · 27/04/2021 17:28

You have done just about all you can. If he has convictions for abusing a previous partner she will have at least been given a moment of pause. Don't fund her rent or anything and before she goes, set her up with a separate bank account he isn't to know about. In an emergency you can send her funds to escape even if he has sent her account into overdraft.

I would say, keep the door open, be there for her, ask her to contact you daily so you know she's well and happy. Advise her to put a lock on her phone and computer and show her how to check for spyware. Women's Aid have good cyber stalking guidance.

Above all, she must avoid falling pregnant, or she could have him interfering in her life until she's nearly 40.

You must be trembling for her - I am! I'm assuming you used Clare's Law to check out his convictions. If she does move in with him, you could alert the police to her new situation and give the address, I think.

He will probably be gaslighting her that her family hates him and her and that nobody will help her or believer her if she turns to them. Make sure she can stand up to this in certain knowledge that you live her and are there for her.

Oh, and ready Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?" yourselves, even if she won't.