She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

Difficult one. I would be more concerned about him treating her badly than about the age gap. If he’s making her cry now that will only get worse not better. But you’re at risk of pushing them closer together if you try to split them up.

I would suggest to her that they don’t rush things and in the meantime you’d like to get to know him. So when lockdown eases start inviting him over. Be welcoming. Keep your enemy close. Then hopefully she’ll realise all by herself that this isn’t a good idea.

Yes and no. My Nan met her husband when she was 17 and he was 33 so exactly the same gap. They were happily married for 60 years until he died in his 90’s.

He lives in a family house of 9 and doesn't like it. It just feels as he is using her as a means of escape. Despite the age gap, he seems reliant on her.

Quite how and why a 34 year old sees a teenager almost half his age as a means of escape is baffling unless you are putting up the money. Is he secure financially himself? I wouldn't be putting any money into this relationship.

I would be seriously concerned about this if it were my daughter but unfortunately you need to let her make the decisions now and be there if (when?) it all goes wrong.

I would be tempted to put in a Claire’s law request as well to see if he has any history

@ManyBooksLittleTime

Hi, thanks for your responses. We are definitely concerned about how to approach this . So far we have just asked him to wait 3 months until after her college course has finished. We are just trying to delay things. He lives in a family house of 9 and doesn't like it. It just feels as he is using her as a means of escape. Despite the age gap, he seems reliant on her.

You asked HIM to hold off, and not your adult DD? Do you realise you’re behaving as if this is a negotiation between adults about the life decisions of an eighteen year old, and that it is fairly sinister?

He sounds dreadful, but this is really not the saucy to go about it.

She is 18 and at that age we all think we know everything so she's unlikely to listen to you. Does she have friends? What do they think about her dating someone much older?

Can you get some therapy for her? Not specifically for this, but say you're getting some too because the pandemic is taking a toll on everyone's mental health. Maybe she'll be guided and empowered by the therapist and realise that this man is a loser.

Try to concentrate on the behaviour instead of the age. Ignoring her 18th was shitty, no good person does that. Invite him for dinner. At the moment her two worlds are separate so she can compartmentalise his behaviour, but when she sees you all together it might make her realise that he doesn't fit into her life at all.

Is she on bulletproof contraception? I really hope so. He will want to cling onto your daughter like a limpet so I wouldn't put it past him to try to get her pregnant.

just be there for her op,
try not to show your judgement of him.
be welcoming to her, so she knows she can always come home,

easy to say, if it goes wrong you are likely to be blamed either way! ime

So a 34 year old man lives with his folks, didn't have a job until an 18 year old got him one and he also started dating her when she was 17 and ignored her for her 18th and valentines day?? Its amazing how women have such shitty taste in men but never see it. Will she listen to a reasonable conversation because that is a seriously shit relationship!

Rather than telling her what she should and shouldn't do- which obviously won't go down well- could you tell her that relationships tend to fall into patterns? That some patterns are healthier than others. That at 18 she has a long life ahead of her to try out different things.

You don't need to criticise him, which will get her back up, but just point out some imbalances in the relationship. That she is falling into the trap of being a rescuer, and that probably won't sustain itself in the long term.

I don't care how many people post defensively about how they dated a 58 year old man at 18 and it was all totally healthy and normal.

It's not. It's wrong.

The vast, vast majority of 16, 17, 18, 19 year olds targeted by older men are groomed, controlled, and abused. Lots of them are raped. Some of them are trafficked.

The majority of abuse victims do not see themselves as being abused while it is happening. Groomed children spend lifetimes reaching the point of understanding they were abused not loved.

Even if you were the rare exception to all of this, popping up on threads about unhealthy, toxic and damaging situations to claim that it's totally fine and nobody should have concerns is perverse and irresponsible.

What did he do on her 18th?

@user1487194234

The more you are against him the more she will want him. I would be upset too ,but she is an adult and all you can do is express your concerns and pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong

When I was 18 if you had searched against my boyfriend and stalked him to my place of work,I would have stopped contact with you/for a long time

This. When I was 18 I dated a 40 year old. It would have fizzled out a lot quicker if my mum hadn't hit the roof, so I was determined to prove her wrong and make it work. It also did massive damage to my relationship with my parents. Honestly let her know you love her, and will be there if she needs you, then stand back. She is an adult and will make her own mistakes.

@MyLittleOrangutan yes she may legally be considered an adult but at the young age of 18 shes hardly a "grown woman" . I'm 24 and still consider myself far from full maturity and know for a fact at 18 I was not as grown as I thought I was.

Feel for you OP. All you can really do is support her.
For those saying it’s fine - quite frankly if the OPs daughter was the same age and described these circumstances everyone would be saying “potential cocklodger ahead”.
Add in he’s in his mid thirties and dates a 17 year old he’s not a good catch is he?

Decent men don't target children for sexual relationships.

If he is 34 and has only just got a job, and still lives at home with Dad, his credit rating will be rubbish, he has no savings or meaningful references and that means his chances of obtaining a tenancy are pretty remote.

So you have time to let him drive the romance onto the rocks and sink his own ship all by himself. It sounds as if he's so selfish and feckless it won't take long.

Tell your girl, he needs to show he is capable of providing a home for her to move into. So they will both continue to live in parental homes while saving up for a deposit and money to buy furniture etc Of course, saving hard does rather reduce the amount of money available to spend on dates etc. Be very, very supportive of them with financial advice, making sure she has reliable contraception independently of him. Invite him round a lot. Let her see him in her home environment, how he behaves with other adults (you). It's good that she sees him at her work; hard for him to hide his true colours there.

this has horrifying echoes of the start of my relationship with my ExH

I can't see anything good coming from it because by the time your DD is in her 30s, she isnt going to be the same, lovely, tractable, controllable little girl she is now... it will cause issues when he can't accept the woman she'll grow into,

That being said, you wont be able to tell her otherwise, it will just push her away.. dont disown her, be there for her, let her know there will ALWAYS be a safe place with you.

It took me a long time to wake up, but my family saved me from what had become an abusive relationship.

Hang about! You say you went to this BF's house and met him and his father. Was that by invitation or did you use the search information you'd bought and knock on his door unannounced?

get her the book 'psychopath free'

www.amazon.co.uk/Psychopath-Free-Jackson-MacKenzie/dp/0425279995/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=72KZKVAG3JL9&keywords=psychopath+free&sprefix=psychopath%2Caps%2C158&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1614507626&sr=8-1

despite the title, it's about narcissists and controllers mostly

especially ones who prey on the young and lovely, and use devaluing tactics like ruining special occasions. Honestly it will stand her in good stead for the rest of her life to learn about these disgusting types, how to avoid them and that she is worth more.

When my eldest daughter did the same thing (same ages) I decided that she was legally an adult, so if I couldn't do anything about it, I would welcome him. He made her happy though, he didn't make her cry. In your case, I would be there for her, because in all probability things will go wrong, and she's less likely to come to you for support if you have shown disapproval. She won't want to hear "I told you so". You have to trust her to make her own decisions now. It's hard, but if you can welcome him, and support them both now, she will appreciate it, and you won't damage your relationship with her in any way.

I dated a 31 year old when I was 18. I didn’t listen to any advice from my parents or family, and because I was made to choose between them at Christmas etc, if drive a wedge between me and my family. Looking back it was a miserable 5 years, and he treated me terribly, but as a stubborn 18 year old I wouldn’t listen to anyone. Please just be there for her and keep him on side, even if you have to fake it. She’s an adult and the more you try to stop this relationship, the more it’ll drive her away, which could end up to her becoming isolated from family and dependent on him.

I’m not sure what to advise tbh OP as I’m 34 with an 18yr old DS so for me personally the age difference is grim, I guess all you can do is let her see for herself how reliant he is on her while letter her know your door is always open for her & hope it all fizzles out I must admit though you’re handling it better than I ever could as I know I couldn’t hide my real feelings about the situation 🤦‍♀️ Lol - Good luck OP I really hope your DD loses interest in him & it doesn’t get as far as them moving in together x

• it drove

While letting her know**

Tell her not to get a joint flat as its still early on for her credit rating but have no objections to her staying over and playing house with him as she probably will do it anyway