She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

In age gap threads habitually there’s the I was 17,he was,39 and we are sooo happy
Ok. So that’s how your old man story worked out doesn’t mean it’s a universal
Yes I can see why op is worried. I’d suggest light touch keep an eye out and be there for her, open disapproval drives them more together in a them vs you scenario. It Amps up the intensity. Whereas a light touch hopefully she’ll get bored

My DSis got together with her ex partner when she was 24 and he was 40. She encouraged him and helped him to get restarted in life. He had nothing except a wife (separated long before my Dsis), and daughter.

I was upfront and stated to both of them that it wasn't a sensible relationship and I expected him to own certain fall outs. In nearly 10 years there were two children, he flitted from job to job, always excited by the 25pence pay rise in each one. Never had any money, had certain vices that he couldn't afford and relied on her for everything. Resented her when she got a new job that paid more than his new job, (because she had relevant work experience). Loved it when she went part time as that made him the big I am and he earned more (still shit wages for the area). Ultimately, two children later and no help in raising those children, constantly off sick from work, never having any money and still being married to another woman (even though he's been handily given divorce papers to fill in and recently we heard he'd been given money to get the divorce). Someone at 34 who needs a 17/18 eyar old to help him get a job - no matter how mature said 17/18 year old is - has no get up and go and she will be lifting him up forever.

Does it mean it won't work? No, it doesn't. Does it mean she'll definitely outgrow him, No it doesn't, you may find he matures and just needed more time than other people. However, it's more likely that if you support her decisions (say your piece, but support her), it will fizzle out as it should. Your support will be crucial. I do wonder why she's moving out though? Does she not have an ambition to be homeowner one day? (Not everyone does, so it's a valid question)

I was 18 when I met 40yo DH, my parents were like you, i didn't see my dad for two years because he couldn't accept him. Now he loves him

They are probably very alike :-)

Rather than saying you're concerned about the age difference could you explain that the way he is treating her makes you uncomfortable. That's the biggest red flag to me rather than age. If yiu go in l guns blazing about his age then that will push her more towards him.

I feel for anyone in this situation. I think 21 is still young to be with a man that age but there's something extra sleazy about it when it's 18. I guess as she's an adult there's not much you can do apart from not supporting it but then teenagers like to rebel so that could further her interest in him.

Your going to lose her if you don't support her. Stop stalking him. She's not introduced you because she knows your not going to be happy with him. Your best bet is to be supportive, don't judge her or him and keep your opinions to yourself. That way if he is a problem then she will come to you sooner and won't feel like she has to prove you wrong.

I don't think his age is the issue here at all. If he was 34, rich and had a career you'd be more likely to be supporting her in the relationship.

I understand your concerns but don't push her away. Keep her close to you! Tell her you know he's older and that's ok, you just want her to be happy etc.

Don’t make a big deal about the age gap. She might fancy old men and so your criticism will come actross as disapproval of her. Focus instead on keeping lines of communication open and the bad behaviour. She clearly has self esteem issues if she’s willing to put up with this crap but as parents all you can do is make sure she has support.

Theres always something wrong with an
adult man in his 4th or 5th decade seeking out a teenager at least half his age. I don’t care if they ended up marrying said teenager. It’s not a good sign that they target those barely out of childhood and I could never respect such a man.

Op, in your situation it’s very difficult as there’s little you can do. The more you try and control things at this age, the more you push them together and he sounds like a leech. I’d hope that eventually it will fizzle out. Especially when she meets young men her own age with a better work ethic and more independence.

I think empowering her is a great idea.
Tell her you trust her, you'll always be there for her, etc.
You cant make decisions for her forever; and i do think you being "against" him will push her away from you.
Can you try and talk about relationships with her? Boundaries? Mutual respect so she has some ideas of what a good relationship should be like?
I'd be more concerned about how he treats her and his attitude than his age tbh.

Oh and do not let him get in the way of your relationship with your daughter. This is very very important. Not to alarm you but try to suggest that children at this age are not a good idea! If he is controlling her there's no better way than to get her pregnant.

@ManyBooksLittleTime if you had posted about your 17 year old daughter being in a bad relationship with a female friend you would get a lot of advice about how young dd is, and how her brain isn't fully formed yet etc etc. if you had said you didn't think she was old enough to stay alone for a week you'd have had advice about how she is still young etc.

But when a 34 year old man who is older than many MNers wants to fuck a 17 year old we're supposed to all pretend it's normal. It isn't.

I don't know what advice to give you, my children are still young. But I was in a relationship at 20 with a 30 year old and (I am still with that man twenty years later!) and it's a healthy relationship now. But when I look back at the time, and for years actually. It wasn't.

I know other women who are in a similar situation but still in bad relationships and I can see that they were basically groomed and it's far easier to tell yourself that you're lucky and that it's all great than to realise that you were in a bad relationship. They have unequal relationships with men who basically parented them for years. They then have to grow up early it interferes with their friendships as their friends don't want to hang out with the balding guy. There is always an imbalance. I don't know if you can explain that to an 18 year old or not. Or point out that while he seems OK to an 18 year old, he's a bit of a loser at 34 and that most women his age would not be impressed.

The poster who didn't speak to her parents for years because they didn't approve of her boyfriend being practically ancient thinks she was justified but actually that was a mark of her immaturity. And still is that she can't see it. Not speaking to your parents for parenting

YANBU - for the big age gap, and the fact he's still living at home and she had to get him a job working with her?? He sounds like a user, beyond ignoring her birthday and making her cry.

Is there any way you can sit down and talk as adults - so you can share your concerns in a way that respects her independence and isn't just 'parents not allowing her to live her life'?

I was lucky that as I grew up I found feminism and it helped me to grow boundaries that I didn't have when I was younger.

*and phrasing it as more about letting her be free and achieve her full potential, rather than 'you're young and silly and don't know what you're doing'

@eatsleepread

He's a dirty perv. No well adjusted man in his 30s would want an 18 year old girl. He'd be looking to meet someone reasonably closer in age, with a bit of life experience. YANBU.

Wow

Really unfair.

His age wouldn't bother me it's more the making her cry thing

And for the record, my DP was 31 when we met and I was 18.
At the time I was engaged to a 19 year old who was a violent, abusing prick. So age is fuck all to do with it.

I wonder how many posters here who think it's 'totally normal' would try it on with an 17 year old themselves. I'm, betting the number is close to zero.

And those with huge 20 year age gaps are probably really enjoying the age related ED that comes with it.

He's nearly twice her age. Unemployed and at home, till she got him a job? What a catch! And the non valentines and birthday is what bothers me.

^nd for the record, my DP was 31 when we met and I was 18.
At the time I was engaged to a 19 year old who was a violent, abusing prick. So age is fuck all to do with it.^

Funny you're not the only poster to say they left an abusive person before their massively older partner showed up.

Do you think low bar, lack of boundaries, is usually the best foundation for a healthy relationship?

I did similar age gaps at 18/19 at the time I thought I was so grown up, looking back they really took massive advantage of a naive young woman and I hugely resent those men for preying on me.

I agree there isn’t much you can do, any criticism makes it become a Romeo and Juliet us against the world situation, try to calmly ride the course and support her with making more of her life so she can get free when she’s able

Make sure she knows whatever happens she can come back to you.

Well isn't he a creep 😐

As a woman in her late 20's I would be very dubious about a man in his 30's with no job who is still living with his parents, at 17-18 I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

There's a reason he's going after teenage girls and not women his own age, because we wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

I echo other posters in saying you need to leave the door open for her sake. If you're seen to be supportive she's much more likely to confide in you.

This is beyond creepy. No advice, sorry.

So your DD got him a job, how long before that was he unemployed, please don't say he's been unemployed since he left school.
If this was my DD I would be saying, why are you wasting time with a lazy shit who lives with his parents at 34 and makes you cry??

He sounds like a fucking creep and I hope your daughter learns this quickly but - she is an adult. You can't stop her doing anything, and to act in a way that pushes her away is just going to make it harder for her to reach out to you when this relationship ends.

I was 16 when I met XH he was 29. I thought I was mature and knew it all and enjoyed ‘playing house’ it was until a few years later when I matured some more I could see through him and realised he wasn’t caring and loyal, he was controlling, he didn’t want me to go to uni etc ‘because he’d miss me too much’
I’m now 40s. My parents tried everything to get me to stay away from him, like you they paid him a visit and asked him to give me time etc, but it just pushed me further towards him. Biggest regret of my life, however when it all went wrong I knew my parents were there for me and they were the ones I called to pick me up and bring me home and then I lived back with them for a few years while I went through uni and got myself together so all I can suggest is you just be there for her, keep the lines of communication open and hope that when lockdown lifts and she can start going out with her mates etc that she sees sense. Totally agree with those that have said no normal 30+ yr old would date someone that young and clearly no 30+ yr old woman is interested in him because they can see he’s a layabout.