She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

When I was 18 I went out with a 40 yo for a few months but it quickly fizzled out. It wasn't anything sinister we just got on really well. After me, he dated and lived with a girl of similar age to me for a number of years. He worked in a pub and I suppose it was likely that most of the older women he met there were in relationships.

My subsequent boyfriends were 9-10 years older than me. I was always attracted to older men. My parents had me late so when I was dating a 40 yo, my dad was almost 60 so my BF never seemed that old to me - he was still so much younger than my Dad.

Be there for her. She is much more likely to rush into a more serious relationship if you push her away.

Thank you so much again for your replies. I am obviously v biased, but will be truthful. He came across as gentle and shy. It is his not bothered attitude and total lack of effort that makes her regularly cry. . Says he will go on walks, game with her and then find crap excuses not to. She does have v low self esteem. We have tried talking to her as an adult, but she keeps telling us she loves him so everything is ok.

No parent would he jumping for joy about this. Express your concerns but most importantly be there for her. She needs to know that she can turn to you when it all ends in tears. In my experience, the less they have to rebel against, the less they rebel. Just keep talking and listening.

He's not gentle in the least, if that's how he treats her. Being nice, gentle, shy, kind...that's an easy act.

Pervy but not illegal.

Might want to try and find out if he has a criminal record for anything relevant eg underage sex, coercive control, domestic violence etc.

@TurquoiseDragon all relationships fail more than they succeed, for various reasons.
There was a power imbalance in our relationship, my, now, DH used his to lift me up and support me in ways an 18yo lad wouldn't have been able to, I'm massively advantaged, but I also grew up quicker, became independent quicker, I didn't become reliant on him, he always considered me his equal and I made myself equal.

But my main point was, whether it goes wrong or not, OP would be pushing herself away from her daughter if she challenged it. She needs to allow her daughter space to grow up and just be there to pick her up if it goes wrong.

My best piece of advice is: tell her to make sure her contraception is rock solid.
Hopefully she will come to her senses eventually and you just need to be there to pick up the pieces. Let her know she can always come home.
I’d be sick with worry too.

On these threads you often get a lot of defensive "I was 17 when I met my boyfriend who was 40 but actually I was so much more mature and sophisticated than him" sort of posts. And sure, big age gap relationships can work out, but generally, a man who 'dates' a teenager not much more than half his age is bad news. There's a reason this type of dynamic suits them. And yes, technically she's an adult so there may not be much you can do about it, but I would be very unhappy if she were my daughter.

I completely agree about the power imbalance. When I was 18 I had a 28 year old boyfriend, I got pregnant accidentally (wasn't taking my pill properly) and he basically gave me no choice but to have an abortion. I mostly don't regret it now (15 years later) but it definitely wasn't my choice at the time. No man in their right mind should be with a 17 year old at that age. It's awful and yes, there may be exceptions but in my experience it's rarely the case.

What @TheRaccoon said, who listens to their parents at 18, I know I didn’t, I moved out and lived with my BF, who was also 18 at the time, we have been married for 27 years now.

Sorry, going to go against the grain a bit here and say that you need to keep out of this. She is an adult, able to make her own choices, and getting involved in her love life to this extent is not going to end well.

Taking away those choices infantilises her and will do exactly what you don't want, it takes away her confidence in her own judgement.

She probably will dump him at some point, but that will be down to her and you need to be there when she does, not at odds with her over seeing him (and whatever you do don't say I told you so!).

But also, if it does work out you don't want to alienate someone that's important to her.

I've seen this happen with my youngest sister and my Mum - she now lives in a different country, partly to get away from my Mum's control.

I can completely understand your concerns but I think it’s your daughters choice to make. It might work, it might not.

To add, I’ve always dated older men. When I was 18 I dated a 28 year old. When I was 20 I met my now partner who was 33. We’ve been together a decade! The age gap is not an issue for us. But it’s honestly a case of time will tell! It’s saddening that he’s ignored Valentine’s Day etc, that is a red flag tbh but a guy her age could be like that too!

[quote MyLittleOrangutan]@TurquoiseDragon all relationships fail more than they succeed, for various reasons.
There was a power imbalance in our relationship, my, now, DH used his to lift me up and support me in ways an 18yo lad wouldn't have been able to, I'm massively advantaged, but I also grew up quicker, became independent quicker, I didn't become reliant on him, he always considered me his equal and I made myself equal.

But my main point was, whether it goes wrong or not, OP would be pushing herself away from her daughter if she challenged it. She needs to allow her daughter space to grow up and just be there to pick her up if it goes wrong.[/quote]
You got lucky.

There's a reason that the majority of people are suspicious of older men who date the under 20s. It took me 30 years to get away in my case.

But we do seem to agree that OP should stand back for now, to be there when this goes wrong, given the behaviour he's shown so far.

I’d be backing right off and let it run it course because it will.

Let her know the door is ALWAYS open for her to come back to her home and for you to talk about anything and everything.

If you haven’t already get in there for a walk as we’re in covid times and talk about the nuts and bolts of relationships not just hers but others.

I’m the same as you I’d of done that search as I’d of been shocked at the age gap and I don’t give a shiny shit of others that did it and it worked for them your in the minority as age gaps do cause a power balance.

If she’s got low self esteem time to get her to see someone.

@Roselilly36

What *@TheRaccoon* said, who listens to their parents at 18, I know I didn’t, I moved out and lived with my BF, who was also 18 at the time, we have been married for 27 years now.

But that's a completely different scenario! You were both the same age.

Difficult one -I look at it as grooming.

I'd ask her why her expectations are so low and why she thinks she doesn't deserve someone who treats her nicely.

Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do -except be there.

He isn't love bombing her from the sound of it -but I'd worry about her being trapped etc and abused when she is with him and away from you.

YANBU. There's red flags on many levels.

• Too big of an age gap at 18.
• too early in relationship to move in together
• why does he still live with his dad
• why hasn't he got a job of his own? Why does he need an 18 yr old to find him one.

I'd be very worried. I'm not sure what you can do, except support her but let her know there's always a place for her at home should it not work out. Let her know it's ok for relationships not to work out, especially at her age. And have an open talk about contraception and the cons of her having a baby at this age.

I was your dd though less of an age gap.

Please don't push her away or show her how understandably upset you are at this. My mum went mental at me when I was 18, so I secretly packed up my things and moved out.
We didn't speak for a while and our relationship has never fully recovered. Please just be gentle and supportive of her, make her feel loved when he let's her down. Eventually she will get sick of it. I did, but had no where to go.

The age gap isn't always a problem if the man is decent. But this one sounds pretty awful. I would voice my disapproval of this relationship but wouldn't go on about it too much. Not sure I'd be pointing out his faults. She knows herself.

Yes, let her know she can always come home and at the same time welcome him into the family. Lots of chat. Feign a bit of excitement for her if you can.

Once lock down is over welcome him over for sunday dinners ect. Watch them together.
Keep in touch with her every couple of days about trivial lighthearted things. Ask her occasionally if she's happy. Accept it cheerfully if/when she says yes.

Keep your doors open literally and metaphorically. Welcome him though. Even if it kills you inside. Wait for the fall out.

My eldest DD went through a shit relationship with someone i knew from the start wasn't right. We did all the above, (even took him on bloody holiday with us at one point) and although it took 2 years of them living together at his mother's and then a whole year of them being in a rental house together she suddenly rang up at 10 one night and asked to come home. We bought her and all her stuff out of there the next day! (they were both early 20s)

Hang in there OP.

If he makes her cry ,then that is a big red flag as others have mentioned here.Her 18th and Valentine Day, should be etched on the brain of a young man hoping to impress his young GF! He sounds unsuitable ,but if you go in all guns blazing you will push her towards him sadly .Try to talk to her ,keep all lines of communication open and hopefullly she will see sense .If he is her first serious BF, it may blow over in time and if she knows you are there for her will be able to break free.

He is a man unable to form relationships with women his own age, and so exploits younger women who may be emotionally immature or vulnerable. I wish that laws on consent etc considered the age of the other person in the relationship.

If she did not work in the same shop I would advocate going in there and questioning him in a loud voice about his behaviour and whether he thinks it's acceptable.

All you can do is be there for her if and probably when it goes wrong and make sure she is fully aware of consent and in particular coercive control.

DH is older than me, my dm was very critical of him, always has been, i have dug my heels in for 30 years

There's going to be little you can do, ultimately.
One of my colleagues is married to someone who was her teacher. They met when she was 22 and he was mid-forties. I see in them pretty much what you describe. A total dependence that, for me, is bordering on morbose. We have training weeks away, and he has to come with her etc. Yack.
As my DD aged 17 said, she was 2 when he was in his twenties. Nothing illegal, or even necessarily immoral about a 20 year age difference, but where's the line?
18 is the official line because it's adulthood. Would a 38 year old with a 16 year old be regarded as similarly inoffensive? Is there that much difference between a 16 year old and an 18 year old to make this OK at 18?
Personally I don't think so.
But, as I said, not much you can do.

Not a lot you can do 18 . But the phrase . You made your bed. Now lie in it . Springs to mind