She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

Oh no, I started to reply and it deleted. I'll try again

Dear Syzy2020 thank you for thinking of us. Unfortunately, she is still seeing him as and when he chooses and paying for an Uber each way. It's always when he has the kids, so he obviously wants help babysitting. He never takes her anywhere!

Hi Newlygranny, his ex told me he had abused two women including her and v badly.There have also been thefts at their work. Under her till number. Fortunately, she was not at work and the manager transferred her to another store. I think he may have been protecting her!

Everything gets worse and worse regarding this man, but I really do feel I have done everything I can and she will have to work things out for herself now. I'm hoping she gets the job she wants because they will vet her partner and will hopefully tell her to choose between the job and him. Hopefully she will make the right decision!

Sorry, also I totally agree with the emergency fund! We are setting one up. So scared she will try to move in with him when college finishes next month,!

By the grace of god every parent of an 18 year old daughter would rather not be in this situation
❤️ hugs

So sorry things have not improved. And sad for your DD that she is being used for babysitting and cannot even see it. She should be going out enjoying the easing of restrictions. Where I live there are loads of joyous kids in their late teens and early twenties meeting up outside and making a noise laughing and shouting and generally enjoying themselves in the sunshine, as they should. Has she any friends still around who would invite her out? x

This is every parents worst nightmare, I'm so sorry.

Did you get anywhere with contraception talk? Could you gently encourage her to get the implant or something else fairly long term?

Have only read your original post Op but I have been your daughter.

I met my ex when I was 18 and he was 38. Before I knew what had happened I had moved in with him, was pregnant a few months later and the that was it, stuck.

I was with him for ten years and we had three dc. Obviously I don't regret having my children at all but I do regret who their father is.

He was controlling and sexually abusive although I didn't see this at the time.

People did try to stop the relationship in the beginning but then just accepted it.

In your position I would do anything within my power to stop this going any further.

Hi there, so I have some weirdly good news at last. The lazy layabout has walked out of his job. Whilst this is bad because my daughter is now probably paying for anything they do together, it also means that there is no way he can get a flat. He has no job, no money and no references. So no chance if them moving in together which I'm delighted about. I don't know if he was pushed out because if the theft or just decided to leave as it was too much work. Either way, great news at last!

You are incredibly strong OP. How you and your DH are maintaining your calm is beyond me. Your poor DD.

ManyBooksLittleTime that is good news. Anything that stops a relentless march towards commitment must be good. I’d advise keeping very quiet - don’t offer opinions, don’t fuel a drama. See if you can take your daughter out to do something nice - no reason, just because - without him obviously. If she can start to enjoy life as we come out of lockdown she may also start to realise that having money is important to access interesting things or treats or experiences. The more she can do with you or friends that is interesting the more she can subconsciously contrast this against the life he offers.

That is great news. Hopefully your daughter is getting out with her friends more as well, I think that will really help her clarify her current situation. Has she got a decent bunch of mates who can point out what a lowlife he is?

How is your daughter now?

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