She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

When I was a student we had a housemate our age who was a bit odd and immature. We were all 21. His girlfriends were always the 16 year old Saturday staff at the supermarket he had a part time job in. Because he could impress them, but not the women his own age. A guy in his mid 30s living with his parents with no job until his 18 year old girlfriend helps him out is not a catch. He's not even an equal.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

I think you need to empower her. Tell her you trust her to make her own decisions and that if she ever changed her mind or needed any support you're there.id tell her that his age is a bit of a red flag because without knowing him, him choosing an 18yr old indicates he prefers a certain power balance and a more vulnerable partner rather than an equal one. But you trust her to protect herself from that if it later becomes clear that is the case. Tell her you'll follow her lead because it's her decision and you'll always try to be fair to him and give him a chance out of respect for her.

This.

And help her bullet proof her contraception.

How awful for you.

Hopefully the reality of being with a lazy waster, and especially living with one, will wake her up.

By being very very open with her, will make it easier for her to confide when things hopefully go tits up.

I was in an age gap relationship at the same age (same gap too). Whilst it didn't work out we are still good friends 12 years later. I would say that he never took it as seriously as I did or as your daughters BF seems to. He wouldn't label us as girlfriend/boyfriend until years later but acknowledges it now. I never kept his age from my parents though. They are both adults. Let them get on with it.

@HairyChin I'm sorry you got such a shitty response on your other thread. What you described sounds like abuse and I'm sorry it happened to you.

There are organisations who can support you with your trauma and I hope that one poster's response doesn't stop you reaching out for support from one of them.

He sounds like he's of limited intelligence if he needs an 18 year old to help him apply for jobs, either that or he's manipulative as fuck and as devious as they come.

I can absolutely see your concerns, but I think you have to tread carefully to get the result you want. At this age your daughter will not listen to you about her love life. Wrong foot her a bit by being neutral and supportive of her.

Get to know him, and be nice, but organise it so you also see her separately. When you are with her talk about her future and all the things she could do, and when lockdown lifts all the things her peers are doing - with any luck living with a 34 year old who has a presumably minimum wage job in a shop and only because of her will loose it’s appeal pretty quickly. If you can help her with money so she can go and have some experiences that will widen her world view (eg weekends or holidays with friends, or college course) then do.

Slowly slowly catchy monkey as my Granny used to say.

I always think 18 is so young ,and yet supposed to be a fully grown Adult! At that age moving in with anyone at all, seems far too young to me, let alone with someone twice her age! Has she ever had a boyfriend before now? Maybe she wasnt treated well by them either and has low self esteem? As said here ,hopefully she will come to her senses sooner than later ? Do you have other DC she could turn, to or similar age cousins /friends at all.She may open up to them maybe?

This thread has made me think of my MIL & FIL, they got married to each other at aged 18 and 33 years old respectively. Unfortunately my MIL (who was lovely) died last year from cancer but had lived a very small life in most part due to her painfully socially awkward husband - they didn't go out, go on holiday, have friends over - in fact, I don't think he has any friends, she did as she fortunately had a job that gave her a bit of a social life.

He is not a horrible man but equally not someone you look forward to going to see either. They were married for nearly 40 years and raised 3 sons - I married the most emotionally intelligent of them, he left to go to uni at 18 and never went back.

My MIL really hated her father, who was apparently not a nice man, I think she got married so young to rebel and escape. I often wonder what her life would have been if she just waited a few years.

Everyone is focussing upon the age gap - surely that isn’t relevant.

It is very relevant. As others have said, there's a huge amount of grooming going on, because older women wouldn't put up with some of these men, they aren't really capable of being mature, decent blokes in a relationship.

It's about life experience. A 16-20 year old isn't going to have much experience, while an older bloke is going to have so much more, which contributes to the power imbalance between the two.

I'm 52 and my ex would have beeen 60 this year. 8 years isn't much at this stage of life, but was a huge difference when we met when I was 18. I'm not the same person I was when I was 18. I was immature then, no matter how much I wanted to believe I was a mature adult.

Thing is, even at 18 I hadn't finished growing up, and most 18 year olds are in the same boat.

I grew up and realised I couldn't be in the relationship. Took me a while to get free, he was abusive. My lack of experience at 18 meant that I was vulnerable and missed the massive red flags.

However, OP says she's remaining calm, and I think it would be better to focus on the behaviour not the age. It's easier to point to tangible reasons if the behaviour is the focus.

Thank you so much for all of these messages, we are really grateful. I have been reading them out to my husband. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

In particular, I will watch the language that I use with her and focus on her decisions and life choices without being insulting or patronising.

She has actually only been 18 for 2 months, so we will keep trying to delay this decision to move in together. We have asked him to delay things and it will be a test of his character to see if he does. I don't think he will.
She is at work until 5 PM and I'm currently dreading her coming home . Her conversation this morning was all about us meeting and whether or not we would be notifying their work about the age difference, ( obviously not).

The more I think of our conversation with her bf yesterday, the more dubious I am. He told us he thought we knew about his age and it must be our daughter that just decided to lie about it. His family seem totally on board with the relationship.

One reason we were partially taken in by the lies was because his life stage seems to be that of a 20 the old. He has drifted between lie paid jobs, doesn't drive and lives with 8 relatives. I now want to explore if there is anything dodgy about what he has been up to in the last 18 years since leaving school!

Thank you all again and I am so sorry about the bad experiences some of you have been through. Xx

Agreed this isn't good, must be horribly stressful for you op. All I would say is that it is quite likely your dd lacks confidence and if she had found a man nearer her own age, he might also have been a complete twat too.

I would focus on building your dds sense of self-worth and confidence. I wouldn't engage in conversation about this man other than "that's nice dear, am glad he makes you happy" then go on to detail how she deserves to be happy. Talk about your own relationship and why was important to you in terms of equality, respect, kindness etc.

So many blood-red flags:

• Two dates that daughter orgainsed and paid for
• In love already
• Daughter has to organise his employment
• Moving in together already
• Ignores her 18th birthday (doesn't want to spend his money?)
• Ignores valentine's day (ditto re his money)
• Happy to call your daughter a liar to you regarding his age
• No capability to manage his life

He is really worrying me. Please, check up on his past some more.

His family probably can't believe their luck in getting rid of him - to an innocent and trusting young woman with prospects. My flesh is crawling.

As someone in a relationship with someone who has previously been in an age gap relationship I would just keep giving your DD the message 'We are here for you' and be the practical crutch.

My DP got into a relationship at 17 with a 36 year old married teacher, whose own son was 16 (vomit). They were together over a decade and she moved him 150 miles away from his family. She is a controlling, abusive nightmare who still tries to wreak havoc in his life. He struggled to say no to her so he (at my insistence) cut her off. I basically had to educate him that it was an abusive relationship. The damage to DP is very apparent - his mum said nothing (he got badly beat up by the husband and his mum just seemed to wash her hands with it all )

Just be there for her. As someone who has a 17 year old DS thoufh, I would struggle to keep calm if he got into a relationship with a large age gap after seeing what I have seen.

To me that age gap isn’t an issue at all, making her cry is.

I dated a 32yo when I was 17, my dad had words with him but parents didn't try to stop me. I was with him 3 years, it ended when he assaulted me and I spent the next 2y in court trying to get him convicted for it (successful). I learned a lot about what not to do/tolerate in a relationship but it was a huge waste of time and not worth it just for the Audi of his which I thought was sooo cool. I wish someone had intervened.

@MorganKitten

To me that age gap isn’t an issue at all, making her cry is.

Out of interest what age gap would be an issue? For most of this relationship, she’s been 17 and is only 8 weeks into being 18. He’s double her age and pressurising her into moving in. There are loads of red flags and the massive age gap and subsequent power imbalance is also one of them.

@user1936784158962

I don't care how many people post defensively about how they dated a 58 year old man at 18 and it was all totally healthy and normal.

It's not. It's wrong.

The vast, vast majority of 16, 17, 18, 19 year olds targeted by older men are groomed, controlled, and abused. Lots of them are raped. Some of them are trafficked.

The majority of abuse victims do not see themselves as being abused while it is happening. Groomed children spend lifetimes reaching the point of understanding they were abused not loved.

Even if you were the rare exception to all of this, popping up on threads about unhealthy, toxic and damaging situations to claim that it's totally fine and nobody should have concerns is perverse and irresponsible.

This.

He sounds awful but not sure what you can do about it when she’s 18? She needs to make her own mistakes. The more you speak against him the more hostile she’s likely to be to you about it. Very difficult!

Just make sure she knows you are there for her and pray that it fizzles out!!

@MorganKitten

To me that age gap isn’t an issue at all, making her cry is.

Would you consider dating a teenager 15 years your junior?

While the age difference would be a concern I wouldn't really assume that it, alone, was a problem. I don't think an age difference like that precludes a healthy relationship and TBH I think most 18 year old women will likely be more interested in an older man if they want a serious relationship.

However there are lots of other problems evident that would concern me - the job thing, the fact that she seems upset a lot, the fact that they are continuing to keep quiet about it at this point when they are looking to move in together. It sounds like she is probably on the immature side as well which is also not great.

I'd try talking about those things rather than the age difference, but ultimately you can only give advice, and I would not keep on about it. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes.

It’s creepy as fuck and it always amazes me when age gap relationships are defended on here.
Based on the types of AIBUs that turn up here, I really don’t think the definition ans insistence ‘oh but they are happily married’ is all what’s made out to be.
So sorry OP. Hope you find a solution!

This was like me...I was 18, he was 33...I still lived with my parents, worked full time, was young and attractive. He was 33, he did live alone but his house was a TIP, honestly at 18 I wasn't the tidiest person but I was shocked at the state of this house, you couldn't see the floor and the kitchen was unusable, he didn't work, he never had money and he had a pink Mohawk, wore chains attached to his trousers, he was constantly paranoid and accused me of shagging everyone and chain smoked roll ups.

Looking back he was a very, very strange man. But at the time I was besotted, amazing sex and the 'appeal' of an older man is what kept me going back for more. My mum despised him and was constantly warning me off him but it did me no good. I needed to learn for myself, which I did about a year later, nothing crazy happened, it just ran its course and I realised I didn't want to be with him any longer.

He still messages me every now and then, at 43 his life is no different now. Still in the same house, still no job but he doesn't have the pink Mohawk anymore

Nothing my mum could have said or done at the time would have changed my perception of him. Sometimes nature has to run its course. Unless she is in real danger, I'd not mention it much but would try and encourage her to stay at home if possible, but if she does move out just assure her that she is always welcome back home at any time.

TBH I think most 18 year old women will likely be more interested in an older man if they want a serious relationship.

I teach mainly 18-22 year olds. The vast, vast majority of the young women I work with and personal tutor would view men double their age as creeps or “sugar daddy”
territory. Most have boyfriends in their peer group. A 24 or 25 year old boyfriend might be seen as a catch but it’s really quite rare, in all my years of lecturing, that I’ve come across healthy, well adjusted young women in their late teens or early 20s with 30 plus boyfriends. We’ve had a couple of issues in the past with older controlling boyfriends in late 20s early 30s trying to push 1st or 2nd year undergrads with a history of loss or some other vulnerability into marrying or getting pregnant and dropping out of university. Every year there are a couple that get engaged but it’s usually to boyfriends or girlfriends the same age that they met at school. It certainly doesn’t seem to be an aspirational thing to have a much older boyfriend amongst our students. In all honesty, they seem to see a lot of 30+
people trying to flirt with them as a bit pathetic!

Hang on, 2 dates and talking about moving in together? That's the biggest red flag here