She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

@user1936784158962

I don't care how many people post defensively about how they dated a 58 year old man at 18 and it was all totally healthy and normal.

It's not. It's wrong.

The vast, vast majority of 16, 17, 18, 19 year olds targeted by older men are groomed, controlled, and abused. Lots of them are raped. Some of them are trafficked.

The majority of abuse victims do not see themselves as being abused while it is happening. Groomed children spend lifetimes reaching the point of understanding they were abused not loved.

Even if you were the rare exception to all of this, popping up on threads about unhealthy, toxic and damaging situations to claim that it's totally fine and nobody should have concerns is perverse and irresponsible.

Completely agree. To all the people who pop up saying ‘my relationship with a 40 year old when I was 18 was really great, we are still happily married now’ - I’m sorry but I still think that’s really weird.

Can't add anything to what most people have said.

Abnormal and weird. What can a man in his mid 30s POSSIBLY have in common with someone in their TEENS? Weird.

Well he would be paying the bulk of the cost of the flat surely? An 18 year old won't be earning much. My friend was in a relationship like this with 9 years apart when she was 16. She did it to get away from home. Her boyfriend had also dated her mother. She broke free eventually but was racked with guilt as she felt she owed him as he looked after her. Awful. He was a little controlling. She did separate from him and went on to marry someone her own age

I think a failed man in his 30s is more likely to seek someone younger as older women (25+) who have some life experience are likely to judge him for living with parents, having to rely on them for work, making them cry by ignoring valentine's day/birthdays etc.

No normal 30+ year old man is looking at a 17yr old. Of course the 17/18/19 yr old is going to feel 'special' and mature and all the other things a predator counts on. It's an awful situation but I really can't see that you can do anything about it OP. She is now an adult. He'll remind her of that every chance he can. She just doesn''t have the life experience to know any different and men like this always count on that. Hopefully, she'll realise sooner rather than later

MyLittleOrangutan

More fool you for marrying such a creep.
Bet you have to watch him like a hawk around teenagers 🤮

Well he would be paying the bulk of the cost of the flat surely?

Not necessarily if he lives at home and has the same job as her. He might have some savings but I'd doubt it.

No advice unfortunately but I am in a similar situation with my dd 19 there isn’t as bigger age gap her boyfriend Is 24 but he is a jobless weed smoker who treats her appallingly and she’s just moved in with him not a lot I can do as she’s an adult but it breaks my heart that she has set her standards so low.

My BIL was 28 ( and with a 5 year old son) when he met his to be wife - then 16.

Still happily married 25 years on.

However the ‘makes her cry’ parts of your post rings alarm bells.

I think you need to be there for her when the shit hits the fan.

It’d be wise to keep quiet about looking up his age etc - but I can understand doing this.

Making comments to her about him and the situation - and to others that may get get back to her may produce a wedge between you and your daughter and tie them closer together.

Not an easy time.

I would keep things calm, and not push against it so hard. That is a big age gap. Relationships like this can work, but the ones I have seen, they've been older when they met, so the age gap doesn't seem as important.
I met my husband when he was 28 and I was 19. We've been together 37 years. However, the relationship was long distance for a few years, and he didn't have a history of dating women younger than him - his previous girlfriends had been at most two years younger. In fact he got quite a bit of ribbing from his friends about cradle snatching! I know my parents were worried at first, but they grew to love him, as they could see he really loved me.
I would be worried about the way he treats her, regardless of age gap. If he ignores her birthday and Valentine's Day in their first year, that's probably never going to get any better. And it's a low bar to have from a partner of any age. Your daughter is worth better than that.

I'm around my mid thirties and I see 18 year olds as children.... this sounds very wrong.

My BIL was 28 ( and with a 5 year old son) when he met his to be wife - then 16.

How sweet, he basically adopted a wife. Nothing wrong with a child bride. I mean, it's highly dangeorus for a teenager to get pregnant so at least she was able to stave that off since he already had a child I guess. Her body not actually finished growing and all.

There are many international organisations who try and stop that sort of thing around the world but it's Ok when British people do it I suppose.

The age gap is unimportant IMO. The fact that he doesn't treat her well is what's important.

Young people have been taking up with partners their parents dislike since the dawn of time. If you try and forbid this or break them up you run the risk of making him forbidden fruit and pushing them closer together.

Tell her you will be sorry if she leaves because you enjoy having her around. Maybe suggest other plans such as saving for uni or a training course. If she is determined to move in with him all you can do is put on a brave face, remind her your door is always open and buy her a housewarming present. Then hope to god she gets over him soon.

She doesn't need two battlegrounds in her life: the relationship with him is already a battleground, so let your house and your relationship be the place of comfort and solace. It will be so much easier for her to leave him when there is no tension or arguing with you.

@user1936784158962

I don't care how many people post defensively about how they dated a 58 year old man at 18 and it was all totally healthy and normal.

It's not. It's wrong.

The vast, vast majority of 16, 17, 18, 19 year olds targeted by older men are groomed, controlled, and abused. Lots of them are raped. Some of them are trafficked.

The majority of abuse victims do not see themselves as being abused while it is happening. Groomed children spend lifetimes reaching the point of understanding they were abused not loved.

Even if you were the rare exception to all of this, popping up on threads about unhealthy, toxic and damaging situations to claim that it's totally fine and nobody should have concerns is perverse and irresponsible.

This!!!

Does she actually know how old he is? When I was only slightly older I was in a relationship with someone 15 years older and I thought he was only five years older - yes, I know, I was very naive. By the time I realised he was controlling, it was very difficult to leave, not helped by the fact that my mother thought he was lovely. I wish someone had talked to me honestly about their misgivings as I already had my own but thought I was being ridiculous.

*My BIL was 28 ( and with a 5 year old son) when he met his to be wife - then 16.

Still happily married 25 years on.*

Are we meant to see this as a good thing?

So your BIL met a girl just barely above the legal age of consent when he was already a mature man with a son? No wonder they're still 'happily married'. She probably never had a real relationship before she met him and therefore knows no better.

Everyone is focussing upon the age gap - surely that isn’t relevant. What is important is that he isn’t making her happy. If she’s unhappy in the early days of a relationship it doesn’t bode well for longer term.
The same would apply if they were a similar age.

DH and I met when I was 20 and he was 35.
He was living with his mum at the time which MN always seems to think is the reddest of red flags.
We’ve been together 33 years and I’ve never regretted it. He’s my best friend and has done nothing but do his very best to make me happy in all the years we’ve been together.
He’s encouraged me and supported me in my career. He’s never told me what to do because we are equal partners.
Yes, I was young but we’ve both changed and matured as time has passed. Surely change, growth and adaptation are part of every long term relationship.
Does the age gap mean he is the dominant one in the relationship? Definitely not.
Do I wish the age gap was less - yes, purely because the odds are he will die before me and I’d rather we grew old together. But let’s face it there are no guaranties in life and he could out live me.
Would I have stopped seeing him at the start because my parents disapproved? No, in fact it would have made me rush headlong into the relationship instead of just taking things as they came.

When we were 19, my friend had a fling with a guy who was 38. At the time we thought it was fine. Now I’m 37, I think it’s unnerving. Legal, but immoral due to the huge imbalance of power.

I agree on being cautious and avoiding any ultimatums. Don’t make it difficult for her to end it. I would get her to talk about the birthday and valentines disappointments. Does she have friends? What do they think?

When I was about to turn 17 I started dating a guy aged 34 who I worked with. He was a really lovely person, my parents adored him.

It all fizzled after 4 years. I went uni, wanted more out of life. He was happy where he was.

Maybe your daughter’s relationship will work, chances are it won’t. She has to learn this for herself.

@MrCheeseIsAnImposter

I wonder how many posters here who think it's 'totally normal' would try it on with an 17 year old themselves. I'm, betting the number is close to zero.

And those with huge 20 year age gaps are probably really enjoying the age related ED that comes with it.

Exactly.

Funny how we've had several people here saying they were 17 - but so mature and sophisticated - when they met their 50 year old husband and they've been 'happily married' for years, but none saying they were 40 when they met a really 'mature' 15 year old boy and they've had a healthy relationship for decades.

Hi, so many good comments on here. What kind relationship do you have with your daughter? Would she listen to you or is she quite rebellious /defiant? Could you have a meaningful discussion with her about this? I remember being a total nightmare at 14 to 16 but by 18 I had calmed down and realised my parents just wanted me to succeed in life.

There are so many red flags on this:
*he makes her upset
*disregards major milestone events
*lacks motivation
*lives at home with extended family
*he is double her age
*ignoring the age gap, they haven't 'dated' properly as everything has been shut down. It would be too soon in normal circumstances

Some people keep saying she's an adult, let her do what she wants. I disagree. Just because she is legally an adult doesn't mean she is suddenly blessed with common sense, maturity and good decision making skills overnight and sometimes needs guidance to find her way. Good luck

Hi, we are being very calm about the situation with her. We will take all the advice to stay calm, talk as adults and keep our doors open. Thank you. At the end of the day they have only had two dates and she organised and paid for both. She says she hasn't loaned him money.She just doesn't know him.

They work at a supermarket , so she can get as many shifts as she likes. He got the job because she collected adverts for him and helped him to apply, then sung his praises to her boss and he got a job with her. We are worried about their finances. This should be a p/t job whilst she finishes her college course. She is currently applying and interviewing for the profession she wants. We really don't want her to throw this away.

It isn't just the age gap. I wouldn't want her moving in with this guy if he was 20.

@littlepattilou

Can't add anything to what most people have said.

Abnormal and weird. What can a man in his mid 30s POSSIBLY have in common with someone in their TEENS? Weird.

marriage failing after 12+ years aside, for my age gap relationship... we liked the same music, followed the same bands, watched the same films.. we both liked gaming, had full time jobs (i never went to uni and went into full time work at 18) drove and maintained our own cars and were in the same social scene/shared friends.

Its not always as simple as 'what do they have in common, ew'

The issue isnt what they do/dont have in common, in hindsght and looking back at why my relationship failed.. its about levels of maturity, and the older person having some level of control/protective inclination.

These kind of relationships dont work out because (like mine) once the younger person matures and begins to assert themselves, finds new interests, new friendship groups...etc the older/controller/protector suddenly feels left out, unloved and gets nasty about it.

My ExH's line was 'i dont recognise you, you aren't the same person i married' too right i fucking wasnt.. i was a mid 30's mom with a lifetimes experience, not a 19 yo who thought she was a grown up.

@MrCheeseIsAnImposter

^nd for the record, my DP was 31 when we met and I was 18. At the time I was engaged to a 19 year old who was a violent, abusing prick. So age is fuck all to do with it.^

Funny you're not the only poster to say they left an abusive person before their massively older partner showed up.

Do you think low bar, lack of boundaries, is usually the best foundation for a healthy relationship?

Considering we are still together 21 years later with two DC's and he rebuilt me after abuse from that ex-partner and a very abusive childhood, yeah pretty much was a great foundation in our case

HTH.