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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
Snowymcsnowsony · 26/02/2021 19:56

Tell him you have applied for a job. Send him an invoice for half the childcare. I had 3 dc unmarried. No money to my name. We split up and I had nothing... That could be you op... Very very vulnerable.. .

LouiseTrees · 26/02/2021 19:57

It’s definitely not okay and you need to get a job and agree that you pay childcare costs for the youngest either half each or in relation to wages earned. You have no protection. Whose house, car etc is it too?

Gigihi20 · 26/02/2021 19:59

I’ve put YABU as it’s not clear what your previous financial arrangements were. It is his money unfortunately in law as you’re not married. What arrangements have you made about joint finances? Have you got concerns in other ways?

dragonsmoke · 26/02/2021 20:01

He is totally unreasonable. You could equally say they're your children, you gave birth to them and he cant have access.

FFS his attitude is awful. I would also be tempted to suggest to him you apply for roles and tell him what his proportion of childcare costs will be.

Twizbe · 26/02/2021 20:02

Get a job. You're not married and he's being shady about his finances. Sounds like there is a huge secret he doesn't want you to find out about.

Don't be a SAHP any longer

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:02

We rent. I had my own dog walking business before I gave it up to be SAHM to our baby. This was something we both wanted, a 'traditional' set up, I am still bf and she is very attached to me (I can't even leave her with my mum for an hour without her being very distressed).
I have my own car and this is mine, owned outright. He has a van he leases from the company he works for (he is subcontracted so that they don't have to pay employee benefits, but is basically employed by them in all but name)

OP posts:
Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:04

I don't have any other concerns about our relationship. He works really hard at his job, he's brilliant with the kids, he's a calm loving person.

OP posts:
SendMeHome · 26/02/2021 20:05

What’s your agreement with relation to money? Is there one?

DH and I share money. I wouldn’t give him access to my bank account but he has visibility of funds and we have a joint account that always has enough money in, so he never has to ask for money or query anything.

But my account is mine, and I’m pretty sure it’d be against ToS with my bank to share the details.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/02/2021 20:05

Traditional set up without being married puts you in a very risky position.

danni0509 · 26/02/2021 20:05

Sounds like there is something he doesn’t want you to see.

Twizbe · 26/02/2021 20:05

Why didn't you get married pre kids if you wanted a 'traditional' set up?

Either way, him not letting you have access to joint money is a huge red flag. What you've said about his tax returns as well tells me that there is a huge skeleton in that closet.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:06

The thing is, I know exactly what he gets paid and once we have gone through all outgoings I will know if things don't add up, if there's money missing and will question him anyway, so what is the point in him stopping me having access to his bank account? I can't work it out.

OP posts:
Kollin · 26/02/2021 20:07

From experience, please don't "work" for his business. I work with my DH in his company but unnamed on anything of worth. It has been a nightmare to begin to extricate myself because of the fuzzy boundaries and him taking me for granted/not paying my worth.
You need a job outside of him and your own income. Please believe me!

skeggycaggy · 26/02/2021 20:07

He’s telling you he doesn’t consider your money to be shared. As an unmarried SAHM this is a huge red flag IMO - & I’ve been an unmarried SAHM btw.

RandomLondoner · 26/02/2021 20:07

People are entitled to private bank account for their own money if that's what they want. If he thinks the money in his account is all his, then it is, whatever you and 99.9% of Mumsnet might think of that.

It sounds like you've assumed the money in his account is half yours, but that he's never actually agreed to that. By trying to get access to his account, you are trying to implement an agreement that only exists in your own head.

You need to discuss what you financial agreement is, when you know that you can decide how money should be split between his, hers and/or joint accounts.

Snowymcsnowsony · 26/02/2021 20:07

Could there be payments going out he doesn't want you to see?

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:07

You would have to assume he is hiding something. What access to money do you have?

violetbunny · 26/02/2021 20:08

I don't think either of you are wrong. I can understand him not wanting someone looking over his shoulder at everything he buys himself. But you are contributing to the household via childcare so all money should be shared.

The solution would be to have a joint account which covers all joint expenses, and then you each have an equal personal spending amount which is paid into your individual bank accounts.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:08

We don't have a joint account. When I was working he would transfer money to my account and all bills came out of mine (I was living in this house before he moved in).

I have wanted to get married for years and he keeps saying he will ask. We have had many arguments about it.

OP posts:
Fastestbrownie · 26/02/2021 20:10

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 20:10

You are INCREDIBLY vulnerable.

Unfortunately you have no right to access any of his money.

VettiyaIruken · 26/02/2021 20:10

Unless you want to live trapped with no access to money, a partner who controls the finances and spends on himself but makes you ask/justify then do not remain a sahm! This will not end well for you. You need your own income and 50/50 on childcare and housework. Don't fool yourself that it will be ok or you'll be here further down the line asking if yabu to be upset he bought himself 6 suits and a new laptop but you've got holes in the only pair of trousers you have but he won't let you buy a new pair. Bloody bill the tightarse for your work on his business accounts too!

Kollin · 26/02/2021 20:11

I wouldn't argue with anyone to marry me, know your worth! If he doesn't see it, walk away. Definitely don't have anymore kids with him with his current attitude to money.

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/02/2021 20:11

You are being unreasonable to want bank account log ins for someone else. They are not supposed to be shared with anyone! And you aren't even married so it's not really your place to have that level of control over his finances. I can understand that he doesn't want to be nagged about spending his own money.
If I were you I would get a job. Babies don't need breastfeeding all day long at 18 months - they will be absolutely fine to be left with a trusted adult or in a nursery for a few hours and eat solid food.
Then you can contribute to the family finances. It sounds a very unfair set up that he is supporting you and two children who aren't his, and you expect to have control over all of his earnings. If that was the other way round there would be a Mumsnet outcry

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 26/02/2021 20:11

I don't know if I'd want someone to have access to my bank account. But we only really use our own accounts for personal spending money, all joint money and bills comes out of the joint account. Do you have joint money that you can access? Do you have equal spending money? Do you both have x amount a month to spend on clothes and entertainment and hobbies? That's what I would class as being fair.