I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

[Junoscup]

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

[quote Fiona2020]@Esspee How so? Most people I know with children aren’t married? I won’t be when I have one?[/quote]
If you own your home yourself or jointly
If you carry on working/have your own income
If you rent and are on the tenancy
If you have wills/insurance...

You stand a chance. But so many women are completely dependant on their partners with no access to finance, that when it goes wrong they are completely and utterly screwed.

@FuckyouBrennan

You cannot force someone to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve done it by now. No point making excuses for him, if someone wants to do something they do it.

And in this instance, it's a good thing they haven't.

If you did your partners tax returns you must know how much he earns
So are you as a household entitled to top ups from universal credit ?
I hope he paid his taxes to HMRC

I see you rely on your parents for top ups

I agree that starting dog walking seems like the obvious solution to your money issues

@RandomLondoner

Actually if you are the one taking care of his tax, I understand your frustration. I suggest you have four accounts

1. His business account
2. His person account
3. A joint account
4. Your personal account,

You should have view access of his business account and full-access to the joint. The business account should only have business transactions, including his payments to himself, so there should be nothing in their he minds you seeing.

There is a lot of relationship advice on here....

But as for the bank account advice I agree with Random Londoner. If he want (and it sound like he needs) you to sort out his tax and business finances then you need access to his account. But maybe he wants some privacy too (he doesn't want you to know he has a secret drive thru McDonald's habit/porn addiction/RSPB membership/whatever).

So just reorganise your finances with some additional accounts like this.

This solves the practicalities.

Then look at the relationship (maybe without some of the frothing going on here) and whether you want to get a job. Separately.

Pays rent for living in her house, he literally pays every single bill as she doesn’t can't work outside the home as he won't allow her to work.

There. Fixed

You need to get a job, and then he needs to pay half the childcare costs for the youngest one. Are you getting maintenance for the older two?

Although it’s not a “traditional” family set up if you aren’t married

@Lolastarsandstripe

You need to get a job, and then he needs to pay half the childcare costs for the youngest one. Are you getting maintenance for the older two?

Although it’s not a “traditional” family set up if you aren’t married

And how does she make him do that?

OP, lots of helpful advice here, try to ignore the (unhelpful) judgements.
You can fix this. One step at a time.
It can be overwhelming knowing where to start. What you may find really useful is contacting the National Careers Service, they have supportive staff who can signpost you to CV writing help, skills audits (which can really help focus you on your core strengths, particularly useful if you’ve been out of work looking after children) and there are many varied courses and training options that might help open your horizons. Another idea might be what work you can do right now to give you a well needed boost of confidence.... some of the better mystery shopping websites etc. £10-£20 here and there can add up.
The census may still be recruiting in your area? That’s 5-6 weeks work which I understand is mostly working on a computer this year, contracts of 14 hours + per week.
Anyway, just a couple of ideas. You’ll feel better by taking action.
Best of luck OP.

Just returned to this thread and I see the questions directed at me have been answered by other members. Thanks ladies.

Just in case anyone thought my opinion was a moral one (you should be married before you have children) let me say that I am not married to my long term partner. My choice because legally it puts me in a superior position and protects my late husband’s assets for my grown up children when I die.

If you are going to have children out of marriage then legally you have put yourself at a huge disadvantage. Especially when you have no qualifications and are going to stay home to be unpaid housekeeper/childminder. Even if you have a wonderful career being a mother will affect your progression and future earnings.

You are completely dependent on this man who does not have enough respect for you to legally protect you and share everything 50:50.

Marriage is essential when you are putting yourself in the weaker position. I mean the marriage contract, the legal bit. That is completely different to the modern fixation on the “wedding” which is just an expensive party. Getting married costs at most a couple of hundred pounds and protects you and your children. If a man loved you and wanted you to bear his children why would he deny you legal protection?

Please don’t think OP I am suggesting you should marry this arsehole.

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.

Is he the boss of you? Get a job and make his learn how to look after your child. At 18 months it's frankly ridiculous precluding SEN that she won't go to her Dad

@Junoscup

Go back to work. You cannot afford to be dependent on this man.

Like I said. What I was earning before I got pregnant/what I could earn now would not cover my rent, bills, food shopping etc. I will STILL be reliant on him to cover the rest. Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings.

I do not have a career to return to. I don't have a degree. I don't have qualifications or experience.

But of you earn £50 a month now whisky he's looking after his child, it's still £50 I'm the pot so you're it constantly borrowing or in your overdraft.

All I see is that you've made some bad decisions based on the fantasy rather than the reality of a situation.

It can be quite easily changed.

With marriage, having a child, I'd honestly be making it an ultimatum. Doesn't have to be anything more than the 2 of you with a couple of witnesses.

With the money situation I'd probably be looking at resurrecting the dog walking or maybe exploring doggie day care if you have the room and it's allowed in your tenancy agreement. You can do it with your little one. Otherwise have a good long thing about what you want a career to be and start training whilst at home.

With money I think its difficult as I understand someone not wanting to share the details of their expenditure. But you're saying you haven't been able to buy yourself anything in a long time and have £47 a week to buy things for the children. Meanwhile your partner is spending on golf and coffees? That isn't right. Clearly there is money there and I'd suggest he just doesn't want to cut back on his luxuries. Either way though, having some income (however meagre) still means more money in your pocket.

I agree with those suggesting this is financial abuse. You have no open access to money other than child benefit, he won't allow you to get a job and is refusing essentially to marry you, which would give you more financial rights.

I would contact Womens Aid and Citizens Advice Bureau to discuss how you financially can leave this relationship. At least then you have control over this, rather than the risk your partner will leave you which you can't plan for.

You need to

• open separate bank accounts
• keep your own day to day money separate
• go back to work

I wouldn't want DH looking at my bank statements.

By 18 months a toddler should be able to go to another adult e.g. other parent, childminder.

Being SAHM is only really possible if your partner earns a high wage or you're on some sort of state support. I know very few people who don't work once they have children.

I agree with others that you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

This may have already been answered but who provides for the eldest DC?

@Soheartless1

So OP had her first child at 20, who is now 10 but she is 34? How does that work?

We’ve covered this.

@sneakysnoopysniper

All the time I lived with my parents (back in 1960s) they never knew what I earned because I had all my private mail sent to a correspondence address. It really peeved my mother because she was a nosy bugger.

I know what you actually mean @sneakysnoopysniper but that gave me an unbidden image of a five year old strolling off to check their investments at some poste restante place.

I wouldn’t want my DP seeing my bank account. He often takes me bank card and knows my pin, as do I with his card. But I wouldn’t want to give him my online banking information.

I was also a SAHM, and DP also said that he works for his money and essentially I’m not entitled to it, although if I want something he would fund me. Which he did give me money often to go and do things (shortly before covid).

I’ve since gone back to work full time, DP still it’s all of the bills, I pay the childcare and my personal finances (phone, store credits ect) but then the rest is mine so do as I please.

I prefer it. We’d never not help each other if one of us where to come up short one month then we would help each to her out, but that has only happened once due to a large unexpected expense on the house.

So long as bills are being paid and good is on the table. Why do you really NEED to see his online account?

But the moneys not there - she's having to borrow from her parents to get by. The golfing money could help this but without having view of his account you don't know how much he is spending.

You're in a difficult situation. You wanted to get married and he didn't do anything. Red flags were there before having your baby for your situation.

If you can't kick him out because you need his contribution then stop doing his work eg washing clothes etc. Lay it out on the table you need marriage and clarity on finances because you're both struggling making ends meet and you have every right to question the coffee he buys as clearly he can't afford it.

A traditional setup means marriage and therefore protection for you. This is not a traditional set up.

Is he the boss of you? Get a job and make his learn how to look after your child. At 18 months it's frankly ridiculous precluding SEN that she won't go to her Dad

this is all very well but, if like my ex did, he simply ups and walks out the door on the days that he is supposed to care for the child, then there goes your job.

You say parents have helped with money - are they willing to help with time? some childcare?

Because when this goes tits up it would be very helpful for you to have some support.

I think you are in a difficult position ATM .He sounds like he thinks the money he brings in is all "his",even though you have a family together FFS! Maybe wait until DC are a little older and you can get free childcare. Then have a look around? Working evenings and weekends is hard work when they are small(I have done it when my DC were younger!) As far as getting married ,is he stalling for time .or genuinely not bothered about it .As others have said you are in a very fragile position.

If your partners bank account is in his name solely, he is actively justified in NOT giving anyone else access to login, passwords PIN & cards etc Because the security rules are made clear by the banks

However, if you had a joint bank account, you would both have access to everything

If you had your first child at 20 and they’re 10, that would make you 30, not 34? Or have I missed something?