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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
mrurddhasabitpart · 26/02/2021 20:24

Wait- he won't ALLOW you to work?! Wtf?! And your drowning financially but he demands carte Blanche to spend on what he wants when he wants unfettered by nagging old you- whilst going cap in hand begging to parents monthly?!! Yes I'll nag you about £20 on golf when we can't afford to eat without begging! Ffs

Franpan · 26/02/2021 20:26

This is one of those mind-boggling posts that will bother me all evening.

You’ve put yourself in a vulnerable position for this “traditional” man who hasn’t married you, clearly doesn’t perceive what is his to be yours and is happy for you to have no money. The only way in which he is “traditional” is in his instinct for keeping control.

Owwlie · 26/02/2021 20:26

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me

What this actually means is he can’t be arsed to do the parenting of an evening or weekend when you aren’t there. It’s more convenient for him that you don’t work.

YABU for expecting to have his bank login details. DH and I have them noted down so that they can be accessed if something happens to one of us, but we’re married. I wouldn’t have given those details before marriage.

Don’t argue with him to marry you either, just get yourself set up more independent. Tell him you’re getting a job, you really need it for financial security. He could walk away tomorrow leaving you unemployed with 3 kids.

jeannie46 · 26/02/2021 20:27

Get a job. Preferably FT. A traditional set up is first marriage, then baby. Security. Not - baby, no husband, no job. BF insecure job no employed benefits. Your's is anything but traditional. Totally insecure.

Not only insecure but irresponsible. Didn't it occur to you to protect your baby's future? As it is you're learning the hard way that not only does your partner not want to share but that he is equally irresponsible. Not a good basis for any relationship.

You don't say why you are not married. Does he not want to? Big red flag ( unless a woman has a large income herself.)

One of you at least has got to come up trumps. Or, are you just going to wait until you break up, he moves away, you don't know where he is and you have no job, no money, no place to live and a hungry baby?

Sumwin1 · 26/02/2021 20:28

It’s not clear what is going on Op. why exactly do you want to see what’s in his bank? You should get a job especially since you only have the one child together.Perhaps he resents supporting the household solely? Your posts are not adding up.

Do you get an allowance to spend? How do you buy things? In normal times how do you pay for a kids day out?

2020iscancelled · 26/02/2021 20:28

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.
“Needs you” is short hand for he doesn’t fancy being in charge of your child when you’re out working.

It feels like you’re both romanticising this set up under a guise of “traditional values” - there is nothing romantic about the days where women were expected to do all the drudgery at home, raise the children with little help from the dad and had no financial stability or security of their own.
That’s nothing to aspire to sorry.

Kollin · 26/02/2021 20:28

My honest opinion is that you need to get back to work, sharpish. You have the two older kids to think about and I'm guessing if things go tits up with your Dp he isn't going to give two hoots if you can afford the two that aren't his and he'll pay the bare minimum for your DD. It's shocking what self employed dads can get away with, CMS wise.
Ignore "he won't let me/won't allow it" - bollocks to that, you're properly up shit creek as you are and you need to do something about it.

neutraliseacid · 26/02/2021 20:29

YABU to think you’re entitled to half his money. And unfortunately it IS his money and if you split up you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. You should have got married before having a kid

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:31

My ex sporadically pays maintenance if and when the CMS catch up with his latest employers and deduct from his wages.

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 20:31

You need to go back to work.

What happens if you break up tomorrow? How will you support your kids? Where will you live?

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:32

So your current dp and your parents are paying for the older children?

Viviennemary · 26/02/2021 20:32

No I don't think you should have access to his bank account. If he's supporting your two children plus your joint child while you dont work I don't know what you're complaining about.

Kollin · 26/02/2021 20:33

Oh love, come on. If you were my daughter or mate I might have to give you a bloody good shake.
Please get a a job and some security for yourself and your children.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:34

I could go out and get a job in a supermarket full time and put her in nursery yes. If I did so and he walked out I'd still be financially fucked and have to rely on government welfare top ups.

OP posts:
PopUpName · 26/02/2021 20:34

Go back to work. Immediately. Create or polish your cv tomorrow, and start looking, whether it's for clients or an employer. No matter what other action you take, this is essential. I know that lockdown may throw up childcare hurdles you cannot overcome for the next few weeks, but you need to start making your own money asap.

Your baby will adapt to childcare. You cannot afford to be dependent on this man.

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:34

If he's supporting your two children plus your joint child while you dont work I don't know what you're complaining about.

The op wants to work evenings/weekends
She says he won’t allow her to do that

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:35

What was your financial situation before you got involved with him?

Pebbledashery · 26/02/2021 20:35

Op. You've put yourself in a very vulnerable position by not having any financial status yourself... It is his money as he is the breadwinner.. But I think as long as you've got money for you that you don't need to ask for and aren't struggling then technically I agree with him.. He doesn't have to give you access for you to be hypothetically nagging him about every expense..
I would get your business back up running and he can contribute towards the childcare costs jointly.
I don't think he's doing anything wrong to be honest.. He doesn't NEED to give you access to HIS bank account.. Especially if you aren't married.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:35

@Sumwin1 I already said, he hasn't asked me to marry him. I've asked him to marry me, we've had many arguments about it. He says he wants to get married but he wants to be the one to ask.....but never does.

OP posts:
KnobJockey · 26/02/2021 20:36

And what did you say when he said he wouldn't 'allow you'? I hope you raised the roof with him about it.

emilyfrost · 26/02/2021 20:36

Why did you have a child with this man?

You’re aren’t married; you’ve left yourself extremely financially vulnerable and there’s nothing you can do about it now.

Thisonemaybe · 26/02/2021 20:36

@RandomLondoner

Actually if you are the one taking care of his tax, I understand your frustration. I suggest you have four accounts
  1. His business account
  2. His person account
  3. A joint account
  4. Your personal account,

You should have view access of his business account and full-access to the joint. The business account should only have business transactions, including his payments to himself, so there should be nothing in their he minds you seeing.

This. And a savings account each.
nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:36

What do your parents think ??

Pebbledashery · 26/02/2021 20:36

And he's paying for two children that he hasn't fathered?... Back up.
What are you complaining about then???

ScreamingBeans · 26/02/2021 20:36

What is he paying you for childcare?

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