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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
Cowmilk · 26/02/2021 20:37

If he is secretive with his bank account I would worry more about debt and stupid amount of over draft. He won’t be able to burry his head in the sand if you go through his bank account.

I say you are lucky that you haven’t married him. You don’t want to get stuck paying half a debt for something you didn’t know / benefited from. Just look at your credit score and make sure he hasn’t applied for secret credit cards in your name.

Franpan · 26/02/2021 20:38

He says he wants to get married but he wants to be the one to ask.....but never does.

This isn’t a serious conversation, surely? I would tell him we book a wedding at the next opportunity or it’s over.

PopUpName · 26/02/2021 20:39

You are already 'financially fucked'. At this point you need to plot a way out.

You do not have a traditional set-up or relationship. You are in a hostage situation.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:39

Go back to work. You cannot afford to be dependent on this man.

Like I said. What I was earning before I got pregnant/what I could earn now would not cover my rent, bills, food shopping etc. I will STILL be reliant on him to cover the rest. Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings.

I do not have a career to return to. I don't have a degree. I don't have qualifications or experience.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 26/02/2021 20:39

Sounds like he has spent money that he doesn’t want you seeing - might not be on anything bad just silly spending which you’d be annoyed about.

mumofone2019 · 26/02/2021 20:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

AnitaB888 · 26/02/2021 20:40

OP, please get some advice from a solicitor about a Cohabitation Agreement, you need to see how you can protect your interests.

Tell DP you want to work then arrange child-care and get a job (unless you can WFH).

And for goodness sake don't have any more children with this man.

Katjolo · 26/02/2021 20:40

What work did you do before dog walking? Are you willing to retrain and eventually earn more money? I would suggest getting a job and not relying on his money. Especially as you are not married.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:41

He doesn't pay me anything for childcare. I don't have an allowance. I get £47 a week in child benefit and I spend that on clothes for the kids sometimes. Like I said we struggle a lot. I havent bought new clothes or anything like that for myself for a very long time.

OP posts:
Franpan · 26/02/2021 20:41

Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings.

But it would still be your money. You wouldn’t be begging anyone for change.

SimonJT · 26/02/2021 20:42

Who is paying for your two older children if you aren’t working and their Dad doesn’t pay regular maintenance?

I wouldn’t give my partner access to bank account, I just wouldn’t be comfortable with it.

Ideally you need multiple accounts
Business account
Joint account for bills
Your account where an allowance is sent each month
His account where an allowance is send each month
Savings account

No one can stop you working, but surely day time work would be easier as you wouldn’t need childcare for your two older children as they would be at school.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2021 20:42

Look OP - this is a car crash. And you need to separate the truth from your fantasy.

He’s controlling with money
He’s stopping you from working
He won’t marry you
He’s financially irresponsible

Until you face up to the truth you can’t start to resolve things.

You don’t have a traditional set-up - you are living together without being married and have children with two different fathers.

Knock the fantasy on the head - it’s time to get real.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 20:43

@Junoscup

I could go out and get a job in a supermarket full time and put her in nursery yes. If I did so and he walked out I'd still be financially fucked and have to rely on government welfare top ups.
That doesn't matter.

You'd still have an income of your own, which puts you at a MASSIVE advantage.

Do you have any idea just how vulnerable you've made yourself, OP?

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:43

@Katjolo before dog walking i had work on and off in minimum wage jobs. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 8 years, I'd dropped out of university and had my first child at 20 years old.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 26/02/2021 20:43

‘Traditional set up’??? I thought that meant marriage before kids and nothing to do with not working as most women outside of the upper classes worked historically even if their work wasn’t respected.

You are in a crappy spot. Unless your next post reveals that he hits you when he sees you updating your CV then get a job. He can’t stop you. You’re already making excuses about earning less than him etc. Doesn’t matter. You have 3 kids, 2 of which aren’t his to protect and that doesn’t just mean with cuddles and love it means financially.

Pebbledashery · 26/02/2021 20:45

He needs to set up a joint account that you have access to.

TatianaBis · 26/02/2021 20:45

OP you need to stop relying on him for extra funding and think of some training to do to get you an income above MW.

He won't marry you, he won't let you work, you're not allowed to see his bank account. What kind of relationship is this?

BehindMyEyes · 26/02/2021 20:45

@Junoscup

I could go out and get a job in a supermarket full time and put her in nursery yes. If I did so and he walked out I'd still be financially fucked and have to rely on government welfare top ups.
You don't seem to have much of an appetite to improve your situation . You could start by stop breast feeding you 18 month old . That is a ridiculous luxury that you cannot afford to have . Look at getting a job .Do you get maintenance for your first two children
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 26/02/2021 20:46

It's called financial abuse, he has all the money and control, gets you to stay home with the baby, so then you are stuck there. He gets to make all decisions. You don't get any money for yourself so no clothes no haircuts, nothing.
You really would be better off without him. Get a job, pay your own way, collect child maintenence from him and get some universal credits.
It doesn't get better, he sees nothing wrong with this arrangement, win win for him.

harknesswitch · 26/02/2021 20:46

he won't allow it

WTAF!!!

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:46

@Franpan

Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings.

But it would still be your money. You wouldn’t be begging anyone for change.

Yes but while he stays the top ups come from him.
OP posts:
Lemmeout · 26/02/2021 20:46

This man is a jerk, telling you you can’t work. That is because he does not want to care for his child.
However two children are not his, I don’t know how you can work this tbh. You are very vulnerable. Ask him yo marry you if he says no, you know where you stand. Although you do anyway. He doesn’t want to.

Thisonemaybe · 26/02/2021 20:46

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.
If he won't let you get a job, that changes things though ( although he can't actually stop you?!). He then should be compensating you for your time caring for her and looking after the house. What is his reason really, does he not want to have to look after her without you there. Is it too much like hard work? Does he ever give you time off? Can you express, if you're still breastfeeding?

May be worth this. Start asking him to watch her, so you can apply for work and look at nurseries. Go for trial sessions etc. If he's still not happy, then he has a choice (and so do you), discuss a division of his earnings that you're both happy with and get married to give you protection or you get a job to protect your future financial situation. Please bear in mind also though, that the longer out of work you are the less employable you will find yourself, the lower paid the job you may end up have to take and you won't have paid into a pension, so that would need to be done privately if you are expected to stay out of work. Will you always be expected to take school holidays etc off and work around school pick up? It could go on for years and you will suffer financially, he won't.

Stand up for yourself, don't let him walk all over you.

Lemmeout · 26/02/2021 20:47

You have a life of servitude to him unless you act.

ScarfaceCwaw · 26/02/2021 20:47

@Merryoldgoat

Look OP - this is a car crash. And you need to separate the truth from your fantasy.

He’s controlling with money
He’s stopping you from working
He won’t marry you
He’s financially irresponsible

Until you face up to the truth you can’t start to resolve things.

You don’t have a traditional set-up - you are living together without being married and have children with two different fathers.

Knock the fantasy on the head - it’s time to get real.

THIS.

He's never going to marry you. The situation is at best practically fucked and at worst abusive. This is going to end - the only question is how much debt and emotional damage you've acquired in the process.

You need to get out. And that means working. You don't have a "traditional setup", you have a controlling dick of a partner and can't make ends meet.

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