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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
Sumwin1 · 26/02/2021 20:12

** This was something we both wanted, a 'traditional' set up, I am still bf and she is very attached to me

WAS but in reality OP it’s not working is it?
@skeggycaggy and @Snowymcsnowsony have raised very good points.

morninglive · 26/02/2021 20:13

I've put YABU because this should have been sorted out before you became pregnant and financially dependent.

IndecentFeminist · 26/02/2021 20:13

Depends. What access to money do you have?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/02/2021 20:14

I wouldn’t be giving a bf/gf access to a bank account that was mine alone. It breaches bank policy and it’s not wise as I would have no recourse if money was taken from the account.

I’m not surprised he won’t allow access if you intend to quiz him on spending his own salary.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/02/2021 20:14

You don't have a traditional set up.

In a traditional set up where both parties agree one party isnt going to work, the couple are married, and the earner hands over their pay packet every week and the SAHP has full access to the money which is 100% family money.

RandomLondoner · 26/02/2021 20:15

Actually if you are the one taking care of his tax, I understand your frustration. I suggest you have four accounts

  1. His business account
  2. His person account
  3. A joint account
  4. Your personal account,

You should have view access of his business account and full-access to the joint. The business account should only have business transactions, including his payments to himself, so there should be nothing in their he minds you seeing.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/02/2021 20:16

If he can't share the money you dont really have a choice but to return to work, unless you want to put up with the financial abuse.

Dog walking sounds like quite a flexible option with a baby though. Can you do it with the baby with you or no?

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:16

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything.
He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 20:17

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.
Why are you with him?

He sounds horrendous at best.

Bluegrass · 26/02/2021 20:17

As some others have said, it can feel hugely uncomfortable giving someone access to review absolutely everything you spend, it makes you feel constantly monitored, you can’t buy something without starting to imagine someone judging you for it.
You need a joint account for the main stuff and separate personal accounts for money you can spend entirely at your discretion, with no fear of judgement.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/02/2021 20:17

RED FLAG

He "won't allow you"?

Run. Run now. Before it gets worse.

mumofone2019 · 26/02/2021 20:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:17

Quiz him on spending his own salary?
So we're not making ends meet, I'm doing his tax returns, he won't let me work, I'm bringing up his baby and I'm not allowed to see what's going on with the money he earns? OK then.

OP posts:
Lochmorlich · 26/02/2021 20:19

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it

And you think this is acceptable?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2021 20:19

Did you tell him you wanted to get married before trying to conceive the baby?

Are you prepared to leave him if he won’t marry you?

Did you jointly agree you’d stop working?

Do you get maintenance from your older DC’s dad?

Why has this come up now? If you don’t want to do his accounts and taxes you don’t have to. You must have had conversations about how you both see your family finances before now?

mrurddhasabitpart · 26/02/2021 20:19

Well you've clearly made a huge mistake. But at least you know now and can start to make moves toward regaining your financial stability. It will be hard as he won't like having to pay for his childcare nor will he enjoy having to take equal time off for emergencies. But it's necessary as you and therefore your children , have no stability nor protection as you aren't married.

When you look to start work and he tries to fight you down, he will say that there's no pint becaise your income will be eaten up by childcare- 1- remind him that it's only half your bill. 2- short term loss for long term gain. You can build a career whilst having little income so that in years to come when childcare isn't a cost, you have a good income

2020iscancelled · 26/02/2021 20:20

Hmm.

Whether or not he wants you to be able to see the account in real time is a bit of a red herring. As you say, you’ll be able to reconcile it all anyway based on invoices and expenses.
He’s being a bit precious in that he doesn’t want to have to explain or be “checked up” on when he buys a coffee or spends something.
And to be honest, if that’s what you were planning on doing I’d feel the same. I wouldn’t want my partner analysing my spending and asking me about every penny.

The real issue is that he clearly doesn’t see the money in his account as shared. It’s not a joint account. He does not want you to access his money - not just because he doesn’t fancy being interrogated over his spending, but because he doesn’t see it as having ANYTHING to do with you. That’s the problem.

If he doesn’t see his earning as family money then you’ve got a problem and need to get working.
Your child will need you to be stable and financially secure in the long run so you either need to get DP to agree to you having access to the money or you need to get your own money

LuaDipa · 26/02/2021 20:20

@Junoscup

Quiz him on spending his own salary? So we're not making ends meet, I'm doing his tax returns, he won't let me work, I'm bringing up his baby and I'm not allowed to see what's going on with the money he earns? OK then.
He can’t stop you working. You don’t need his permission.
mumofone2019 · 26/02/2021 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 20:21

I earned about a third of what he does when I was dog walking full time, and that was with no toddler to contend with.

If I go back to work it will be minimum wage work, which I don't turn my nose up at, but I will still be reliant on him to cover the majority of our bills and expenses.

OP posts:
MrsArtyPants · 26/02/2021 20:21

Oh I hate that mentality. So he guilts you into submission when you look to improving the family finances by becoming a joint contributor. But won't allow you to see the money intended to support you and your daughter under his wishes, you just have to trust him blindly. He likes you being in a vulnerable position.

HUGR RED FLAG OP. Can't say it loudly enough.

User0ne · 26/02/2021 20:22

Start applying for jobs or restart your dog walking business. You can walk dogs with dc3 in a sling (and bf while doing so) so no childcare required

Loopyloututu2 · 26/02/2021 20:22

He’s probably paying for porn sites or something.

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:23

Will he mind your other children if you do get a job?
How much do your parents have to give you each month?

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 20:24

Does your ex pay maintenance for your older children?