I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

[Junoscup]

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

Who pays for my older children? He does.

As other posters have mentioned, you're in an extremely vulnerable position not working and being unmarried. If he wants to be able to spend bits and pieces without being nagged as he claimed, then get one central joint account you can both access, and agree an amount each of you can have either in cash or transferred to an individual account for 'fun' spending after all your essential bills, food, clothes, school trips, transport costs, kids activities have come out. Make a budget and make sure it accounts for all essential items accurately.

You mentioned he said about 'nagging'. Do you often comment on his spending? Not that I'm accusing you of actually nagging - but does he spend money on golf etc meaning the rest of you go without, and you've previously pulled him up on it?

You have three children who need you OP, not just a toddler. You need to be able to support all of them. What happens when your ex doesn't send any money, do the older ones stay without necessities?

I don't think you should have his account details, but I do think he's unreasonable and lazy not letting you work. He just doesn't want to look after the baby.

There's nothing traditional about not being married and having a baby. He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, you'd be married already.

You're in a rather vulnerable position. Can you keep some money aside from what you spend on grocery shopping?

Sorry cross posted, do you need to ask him to pay for older children or does he willingly do it? Will he hold a grudge about it?

@Merryoldgoat

Look OP - this is a car crash. And you need to separate the truth from your fantasy.

He’s controlling with money
He’s stopping you from working
He won’t marry you
He’s financially irresponsible

Until you face up to the truth you can’t start to resolve things.

You don’t have a traditional set-up - you are living together without being married and have children with two different fathers.

Knock the fantasy on the head - it’s time to get real.

Very much this. This is bang on.

I know some of these replies seem harsh but the life you think you're living and the life the rest of us on this thread see is very different.

Hopefully your eyes are starting to open now OP.

How do you buy groceries etc if you have no income? does he give you ££ each week?
Ask him how he’s feel
in your position, you’re either a team or you’re the live in help.

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.

To paraphrase a notorious MN post, this is red bunting not just flags.

He wants it all ways doesn’t he? Where’s your security or control?

This thread is ridiculous.

OP writes big post stating how controlling her DP is and asks if this is ok.

Everyone tells op that it's not ok and she needs to do something to take some control over her life.

OP drip feeds in more information detailing that DP is even more controlling.

OP also clearly doesn't want to take any control over her life or get a job.

Why has op even bothered posting in the first place?

Oh darling, it's so common for woman to go from a terrible abusive relationship to a slightly less abusive, yet still abusive relationship, but not see the danger because its not as bad as the last one.

Please start earning some money of your own. Even if its not enough to keep the whole family, having some money that's yours would do you the power of good.

@Pukkatea

You mentioned he said about 'nagging'. Do you often comment on his spending? Not that I'm accusing you of actually nagging - but does he spend money on golf etc meaning the rest of you go without, and you've previously pulled him up on it?

No I don't nag him about money. Well, I spent the last few years begging him to see an accountant to sort out his taxes and eventually he let me submit them myself. I've had mental health problems myself but have been diagnosed a few months back and am receiving medication/treatment and it's improved a lot. Basically I should have been nagging him and organising our finances a long time ago and I haven't.

@HerMammy

How do you buy groceries etc if you have no income? does he give you ££ each week? Ask him how he’s feel in your position, you’re either a team or you’re the live in help.

He wither transfers money to me for shopping or he picks it up himself after work.

Oh dear. The more I read the more you need to go to work.

Even if you don't earn much it's your money. In your account which he has no rights to. You can be building savings ready for when you leave.

He doesn't want you to work because he doesn't want to deal with his kid or your kids. He doesn't want you to become independent. He doesn't want to lose control over you.

He knows that this set up keeps you there as a free housekeeper and nanny.

Op. You don't help yourself.

Why can't you put baby in pushchair and walk.a couple of dogs at the same time. I see plenty.of people doing this. Alternatively ask him to look after children at weekend so you can walk dogs. You could pop back to breastfeed too. Don't allow yourself to be reliant on a man who is not your husband.

You went from one abusive man to another.

Oh no OP. He won’t marry you. He’s just stringing you along. And now when you leave him - you’re basically screwed. I would look for a full time job now and make plans to leave.

With easing of lockdown imminent and lots of dogs bought throughout all this, surely now would be an ideal time to be a dog walker again?

@anotherlongwalk

This thread is ridiculous.

OP writes big post stating how controlling her DP is and asks if this is ok.

Everyone tells op that it's not ok and she needs to do something to take some control over her life.

OP drip feeds in more information detailing that DP is even more controlling.

OP also clearly doesn't want to take any control over her life or get a job.

Why has op even bothered posting in the first place?

It's not that I don't want to get a job. I'm pointing out the fact that unlike most MNetters, I don't have qualifications, training, a career to return to. I will still be unable to make ends meet on my own. I'm 34 and I don't have anything employers want, other than min wage.

Saying "go back to work" as if this will solve things, when my contribution to the household will be a fraction of DPs...

If I were on my own then yes I'd be better off working and getting tax credits etc.

OP also clearly doesn't want to take any control over her life or get a job.

I agree. OP you need to get your business back up and running. You have 3 children and you need to be earning.

What age are your older children?

move to a bigger home plus garden in outskirts in not so desirable area of london ! or stay in the two bed apartment we own cramped but in a great area in london !

please let me know your thoughts !!

uncertain what should be our next move ! would love to stay where we are but DH states it's to expensive and he really wants more space ! i'm a sucker for a nicer area and could get by with little space as the area for possible move just does not appeal !

I know it’s a horse has bolted situation, but I’d love to know just what possessed you to have a child with a man who refuses to marry you. Surely you could see this would only go one way?

I love these “traditional” men who want a little wifey at home, but won’t give her the legal protection of being an actual wife.

I bet he says marriage is just a piece of paper, but remind him that so is a £50 note and he’d protect one of those more than he’s protecting you.