For starters being unmarried you have zero legal rights financially which tbh is a horrible position to be in
For another I suspect his employers are acting illegally positing that he's self employed
https://www.gov.uk/employment-status/selfemployed-contractor
https://www.acas.org.uk/checking-your-employment-rights
It's clear to me he's hiding something too. Could be simple but very irresponsible "frittering" but could also be serious debt, gambling, drugs, using prostitutes, an affair, a secret child, or indeed he's getting more income than he's telling you about - any number of things that might prompt you to end the relationship
I would not be at all happy with this lack of transparency and the lack of security afforded to you and the dc.
Are you unmarried because he won't marry you? But you would marry if he would?
I have wanted to get married for years and he keeps saying he will ask. We have had many arguments about it
Yep! Thought so!
he won't allow it this is horrific
He's abusive imo - financially and mentally. He's controlling.
Are you planning to leave him? I hope so!
And I am guessing it's YOUR parents you're "borrowing" from? And not repaying the debts?
If I did so and he walked out I'd still be financially fucked and have to rely on government welfare top ups
How is that worse than the position you're in now? Plus it would be temporary in all likelihood. You can work your way up once in a job, childcare costs lessen as the kids get older...
The main thing is that you would no longer be under his control
Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings
More likely UC, which works differently
I do not have a career to return to. I don't have a degree. I don't have qualifications or experience.
You could get them. Bookkeeping as suggested would be a good idea, there are plenty of online courses. It’s also a job that can be done from home.
I went to uni 2nd time as a single parent with dd as a toddler at first. Doesn't have to be a full degree though, could be any number of training or education courses, an apprenticeship etc get some career advice
OP, please get some advice from a solicitor about a Cohabitation Agreement, you need to see how you can protect your interests.
I really can't see her partner agreeing to that!
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 8 years
And you're in another one now. I have the feeling you've posted about him many times before and you're told to become independent and leave him but you never do.
You're frozen in this victim status, PLEASE get support to get out of this relationship, become truly independent and do something like the freedom programme - and stay single for a while! - so as to avoid yet another abuser
Yes but while he stays the top ups come from him
when he deigns to! I suspect the reality is most of it is coming from your parents
Who pays for my older children? He does
Does he really? How much is borrowed each month and how much of that is spent on dc?
Not surprised you have mh issues! That too would very likely massively improve if you left him. That said if they are significant it could mean you’re eligible for certain benefits including pip. I have mh issues too and I get benefits as a result. Depends on severity
If you had started uni before dc you MUST at least have A-levels and possibly still have cats points to carry forward?
If your home is yours and in your name he has no right to refuse to move out! Get him kicked out! Change the locks, bar the door!
Find your anger please
You can claim Jobseekers Allowance if you register as being available to work. It is £58.90 pw if you are under 24 years of age and £74.35 if over 24
Where you getting this? Decades out of date! JSA no longer exists for new claimants for people like op, she is ineligible. It would be UC and would be a joint claim - her partner would have to sign the forms and even if he did I'm guessing a man like this would likely insist on the payments going into his account (which is why so many of us have and continue to campaign for changes to uc so that it isn't a joint claim it's far too open to abuse) which would leave the op still stuck, depending on his earnings they may not be eligible anyway. The family may not be skint due to lack of income but his excessive spending!
He is legally required to support his own children, so ask him when you will get an allowance
Yea good luck with that! Even when cms involved this often doesn't happen!
@LagunaBubbles that's out of order! This is a victim of abuse you're talking to! Though you're not the only one yours was the worst I've seen so far. Posters need to remember they are speaking to a victim of abuse here!
That he would pay for everything and I would look after our child full time
Well he's not upheld his part has he? Not if you're borrowing from parents all the time.
Please get help to find the strength to leave him and secure you and dcs future
It's simple, but not easy, for op to make the plans and moves necessary to get away from this man and this situation.
Op start by mentally preparing, speak to women's aid or similar and be guided by them.
You CAN improve your life. It will take time and effort and it won't always be plain sailing but it can be done - you've done it before! That's how strong you really are! Don't lose sight of that, you have it in you to achieve this.
Please do it for yourself and your dc
Op also make sure and clear your device history
@skeenskeenjellybean such a brave post well done to you
some of us aren't as sensible as you or sometimes shitty life stuff trips you up and gets in the way
Exactly! Financial education is pretty much non existent, many women don't KNOW how vulnerable they are having dc without being married, and even with being married you're not totally protected.
I learned the hard way too, and I’m far from stupid! I simply had no experience of divorce or cm etc my parents are still married (and this is an abusive relationship too inc financial abuse)
Ex was not abusive while we were together but literally as soon as we split he was a total bastard over finances! He basically abandoned all responsibility for dd it took nearly 3 years for csa to get their act together and get that first payment from him and he never paid consistently or reliably and he wasn't only not self employed the govt employed him! (Army) so the govt knew exactly where he was and how much he was paid! Made sod all difference! I was a Sahm at time of split (complex reasons) so he knew I'd no income and still emptied the joint accounts.
I will NEVER rely on a partner/spouse financially again. I will never have a joint account.
I think a joint account would be inadvisable in this situation either given he seems the irresponsible type, that would leave the op even more vulnerable to being responsible for his debts
@AcrossthePond55 kindly, she is not a single mum as far as Uk Benefits are concerned
CM VERY hard to get out of self employed nrps here, cm supposedly calculated on taxable income, they manipulate their accounts so it looks like they're not earning enough to pay much if any cm, they dodge and avoid filling in the paperwork etc, hell my ex managed that for 3 years! It's a shit system here
I don't understand why your DP doesn't want you to work
It allows him to maintain control over her, also as you say likely because he doesn't want to be solely responsible for any childcare (too much like actual work probably) plus he would likely resent paid for childcare too as would reduce the amount he has for whatever he is spending on - this is why it's abusive
People really need to at least read ops posts:
HE WON'T MARRY HER
HE WON'T BE HONEST AND TRANSPARENT ABOUT MONEY
HE WON'T TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS IF SHE WERE TO GET AN EVE/WEEKEND JOB (would you really leave a small toddler with such a man against his wishes?
EX FATHER TO ELDER 2 DOES NOT RELIABLY PAY CM
HOUSE IS IN OPS NAME
BILLS IN OPS NAME BUT PAID (SUPPOSEDLY) by partner
EX WAS ALSO ABUSIVE
At 18 months it's frankly ridiculous precluding SEN that she won't go to her Dad
Entirely possible that the child senses he isn't a safe or kind person or has even witnessed other abuse op has chosen not to tell us about. Young children are very instinctual and can be good judges of character
Op PLEASE seek advice, help and support from women’s aid and other organisations to get out of this relationship and become independent and avoid getting into another abusive relationship
Wishing you soooo much luck