To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

general consensus looks like, it's tough the first few years but is worth it.

That was my experience as well.

We thought we would have kids with a 2 - 2.5 year spacing, but when it got to the point of being pregnant just couldn’t face it. We have 3.3 yrs between 1 and 2, and 3.9 years between 2 and 3. I did used to worry that they wouldn’t get along as well as if they were closer, because I had heard sibling rivalry was worse over 3 year gap, but actually my kids all get on much better with each other than SIL’s kids who are exactly 2 years apart so... who knows!

It’s not double the work and I have 3! When they hit the playing together age it’s actually far easier. Mine are close in age and they are such a unit and on a typical day, demand very little from us in terms of playing with them and amusing them. They much about in the garden and playroom and we get to chill. Holidays are good too, they just play together. All the time! So I would say 💯 have more than one. I feel like my children’s life is so much magical and fun filled for having siblings and it’s no extra work, in fa t it’s actually easier as they get bigger.

I would wait a bit longer OP. You'll know when the time is right and you still have loads of time to decide.

I say this as someone who had two under two. Pros and cons, like there is with every decision! Wait until you know it feels right.

Five and a half years between mine and I love it. Only one childcare bill and my eldest adores her little sister, is a great help and is able to get herself dressed and fed in the morning. No need to rush into having another straight away.

We went back and forth on this. Dd1 was a dreadful sleeper. We decided to have another when she was 3 and it was then twins! Actually though my life is a lot easier than my friends with one. Mine are 9 and 12 and often I only see them for food as they go off and play for hours. If I hear bickering start it usually means they’re hungry or thirsty so I call them for a snack then off they go again. I think 1 primary age dc is hard as they get bored and want to play. Probably doesn’t help that I hate playing bloody shops... god it’s dull but dds play for ages

Having two only feels like double the work if your first child was an easy baby and the second is a bad sleeper.

I luckily had it the other way round where my first was a nightmare sleeper and my second was surprisingly easy. It felt like such a breeze having 2 normal sleepers compared to having 1 bad sleeper (as by then the eldest was sleeping decently).

It’s not double the work- the hardest adjustment is going from no children to 1 child. However, I think having 2 under 2 would be my idea of hell during the baby and toddler stage.

There's 2.6 years between my two and I crapped myself when I found out I was pregnant with DC2. DS was a terrible sleeper and I just didn't think I would cope well. DD came along and was an absolute dream of a baby and although it was harder, having two to take care of, I wouldn't change a second of it.

DD was such an easy baby then turned into the toddler from hell but by that time DS was sleeping so much better so I was able to manage her more easily. Both in their teens now and both awesome, I don't regret it for a moment.

We have DD6 and DS2. DD was 4 when DS was born, so quite a gap. They're both at difficult ages, it seems.

Having 2 is great, mostly. I adore both of my kids... BUT. It's double the work. It's stretching yourself between them both. It's refereeing arguments. Most of my day seems to be spent keeping DS away from DD's game, and getting DD to leave DS alone when he's actually playing nicely. You might get teo kids who like being together, or two that hate each other.

Individually, my DC are fantastic. Together they are hard, hard work. I wouldn't change anything about it, and realise that we're currently going through quite a hard time with them... but all it takes is to find them snuggling up with DD reading DS a story and it all becomes worth it.

We have a 2.5 year age gap. The newborn years of my second up to him being about 3 were hard work, especially taking them out on my own when baby needed feeds, potty training my first and then when my youngest was toddling and they shoot off in different directions!!
Childcare is expensive and the funded from 3 years came in about a year before our eldest started reception at school. This made costs much more affordable.
It definitely is double the work, although there wasn’t the shock of having a newborn again, it was hard with the competing demands when they were very small. That all said I love they have a playmate and they mostly get on really well.

@m0therofdragons oh goodness, this is something my partner actually jokes about as twins run in my family! My grandad is a twin, and they have ANOTHER set of twin brothers too. So my great gran has two sets of twins.

I guess that's another thing to think about, you never know if it's multiples! atm and after reading this thread I'm thinking of not preventing but not trying if you see what I mean. If it happens it happens I suppose! Everything for a reason and all that.

It's harder to go from none to one than it is from one to two. But of course it's hard work. It pays off now they're a bit older and can go out to play together or walk to the shop. They do argue but they've always got eachother too. I'm glad of that.

Definitely worth it. It is tough when they are little but you get it back when they are older. If they are close in age they will always have each other to play with - this is definitely not to be underestimated, we got some of our free time back as we don't have to constantly entertain them. Holidays are great, we get to relax and read a book or whatever, while they play together.

I love having two. Close in age and not double the work at all. In fact I'm so blessed to have had two especially with thos lockdown. They've really kept each other entertained. I have friends with just one child and they want their parents to play with them all the time. Now that's hard work.

I had 2 less than 2 years apart. It was hard work at the beginning, but I remember my dsis saying to me "There comes a time when having 2 is easier than having one" and I thought she was mad, but actually when they are a few years old and can play together it makes life a lot easier. We have never regretted having our second.

@ThatchersCold

2 = double the work/time/money. It’s simple maths.

Love mine both deadly but life was definitely easier with one.

It's really not. Making lunch for two takes about 5% more time than making it for one, if that. Also, once they can play together (for me this started once the youngest was around 1.5) then they sometimes have 15 minutes here and there where they occupy each other instead of badgering me. So in some ways having two means less is required of the parents, once they're past the baby age. I've heard of parents of only children having to play with them constantly because they don't have siblings to play with.

Its absolutely not as black and white as doubling the time and effort involved with one child. In some ways having two creates more work, sometimes even more than double, but in other ways it makes no difference or is even easier.

I had two under two, by the way. It was very hard for the first year as my second was a poor sleeper but I am now sooo glad we did it and got the baby bit over with fairly fast. I couldn't go back to that after reclaiming my life a bit, and seeing the bond between my two is amazing.

Saying that I do think we could have been a happy family of three, there is no right or wrong. You just have to make the decision that is right for you and ignore anyone else's opinion. And it's not fair of your husband to shunt the decision onto you especially if you feel he will somehow blame you down the line if he has regrets. That's shitty behaviour. He needs to express his opinion so you can make a joint decision.

Life is easier with one, for sure. But no I don’t regret having my second, I love their sibling bond and how they have each other, I also have number 3 on the way.

Mine were 18 months apart and both poor sleepers - the eldest had sleep apnoea as well so I didn’t get an unbroken nights sleep for 5 years.

But in many ways I found it easier having two. I’d have loved more but dh said no (boo), and would probably have aimed for another “pair” close in age.

I was a very anxious mum to ds but relaxed a lot more when ds came, because I’d seen it before and didn’t need to worry because ds had grown out of that. And by extension I started to realise that ds would probably grow out of whatever was currently worrying me too.

For me the hardest part was being pregnant.

It broke my heart that dh wouldn’t consider having more dc, but I do think that the person who doesn’t want more has to win that particular argument. I wouldn’t let your partner’s feelings on big families push you into it if your heart isn’t in it.

I have a 4 year gap between my 2
I absolutely adore my second but if I could turn back time I think I would stop at 1. It would have been much easier and cheaper and I think DD would have preferred to be an only child.

@bluebellscorner

Definitely worth it. It is tough when they are little but you get it back when they are older. If they are close in age they will always have each other to play with - this is definitely not to be underestimated, we got some of our free time back as we don't have to constantly entertain them. Holidays are great, we get to relax and read a book or whatever, while they play together.

Yep.

One is harder in some ways because you have to entertain them. With 2+ they entertain each other and you can do something else.

My mum advised me not to have 3. But even there it turns out there's a plus - if one is busy/out the other 2 can still play together & I can read a book.

I have two, with a decent gap - three and a half years. I couldn’t have done it with a closer gap! It is hard work, splitting yourself/attention/time in two. But it’s also joyful and delightful and you don’t stress as much as a mum as you do with your firstborn. Two’s the max for us though!

I had a gap of 18 months and it nearly broke me. First child was a very easy baby slept well etc. 2nd didn't sleep and breastfed continuously.

Also they have completely different personalities. Eldest is a loner and needs her space, and time to herself. Youngest is very sociable and cannot bear to be alone, or silent for a minute! Whilst they do play together and get on well, this is only for a limited time.

I would leave a 3 year gap and don't necessarily bank on them being a good personality match.

I found my first baby really hard and lonely, but having the second was amazing. They are now 6 and 4 and they are the best of friends. For me having 2 seemed a lot less work as they had each other and my older one was so helpful and loving towards her little sister from the start. It is definitely not double the work. Just make sure you’re physically and emotionally ready to do it again xx

I have 3 18 months between first 2 and then 5 years between youngest and middle one. I didnt find 2 really hard work or 3 tbh ive never been so grateful they all have each other as i was in lockdown.
Not all children are the same one bad sleeper can be such hard work but any new child could be a great sleeper. Good luck whatever you decide

Shehasadiamondinthesky I don't think you can comment on what 2 is really like given you only have 1!
Definitely wouldn't say 2 is double the work i.e. you are cooking dinner for 1 DC anyway, so making slightly bigger portions/getting another plate out of the cupboard is not double the work. When they can play together instead of bugging you the whole time- it also gives you some respite.
I'd say if you always wanted 2, go for it. Re. sleep- just tackle this head on, if much past say 8 months your baby is still sleeping terribly then invest in a sleep trainer and have done with it. But I wouldn't not have another child because you worry they would be a terrible sleeper.
Maybe wait till your DC is 2 then think about it, 15 months is still pretty young.