To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

If you're not sure, use contraception!

We have 2dd, 2 year age gap. I found it brutal tbh but definitely worth it. However I was mid thirties by then and always wanted two, so it was an easy decision. Most of my friends have a 3-4 ,year gap, some bigger, and that works well. There is no right answer, only what fits you best.

We have two and it is so worth it. 21 months apart, so yes it was hard work when they were small, but they're 5 and 7 now and are such awesome little people and they get on so well. I'm probably biased tho, as I was an only child, with only my mum, and it's been hard dealing with some things alone over the years, which is why I always wanted two.

You have to do what's right for you, but for us, yes it's so so worth it

I have one and love it! We spend a iot of time together though, which I imagine wouldn't be the case if she had a sibling.

My two were 19 months apart , totally unexpected, tough for the first couple of years with both being caesarean deliveries ( pushing a double buggy after that is a challenge!) but once they were out of the bottles and nappies stage it was great .
They are their own little gang and play together easily. They can entertain themselves and even invent their own games .
They can get up to mischief and I am used to listening out for strange silences ...like the time they practiced hair cutting on each other 🤣🤣 I still don’t know how they managed not to poke each other’s eyes out !
Going on days out and holidays was easier too.
When all said and done I think I’ve been very lucky to have them.

I had 3 under 5 at one point with next to no family help (DM visited for 1-2 weeks after each child was born, PILs didn't help). Much older than the OP though, I was 37 when I had DD1. It was hard when they were little but now they are older it's fabulous and lockdown is much easier for larger (happy and with plenty of money) families I think. The DCs relationships are close and there's always a bit of chaos in the house.

I think it is better for children to have siblings (in a loving family) than to be an only child. D Mum grew up an only child (not her parent's choice) and hated it, felt very lonely (sent to boarding school at 7 and had very close friendships as a result but home life was isolated). I'm one of 4 which absolutely was DM reacting against having no siblings. My siblings all have 3DC. I very much didn't want to have 1 or 2, I think it's unfair to the DC. But we have a high income in an area with low house prices so are not financially constrained.

OP I'd say the current situation is not typical and very hard with babies and is not reflective of how life willbe in the future. Youhave lots of time to wait and have DC2 later, although for me I very much wanted to have the DC close together to get the baby stage out of the way.

Have to say I have 5 children the hardest jumps was nothing to one then one to two after that it’s routine and bigger cars . I’m really lucky all mine slept bar the first but then even she did once we realised she just needed filling up 🤭 . I think I looked around and thought disruption when the little one was young or I would never really feel there was a right time to have another .

My opinion is that family is everything, your parents , siblings and possibly wider family are the only people who will love you unconditionally. My DC are young adults now and I am so pleased that they have each other..

I had two close together, 20 months apart and it was hard work, a bit of a blur now really and they argue like cat and dog but they've got a constant playmate and companion. I have being lucky to have a mum who has done my childcare so not really had that cost but I wouldn't have being able to afford to do it otherwise. if your not feeling it just don't do it yet. Even if you wait a couple of years so there's a three year age gap theyl still have a playmate to bond and play with even though the gaps bigger.

It's hell for a couple of years and then it is way better all of a sudden because they play together.

DD1 was a super shit sleeper! I paid about £200 to a sleep consultant to get her to sleep before I got pregnant because no sleep and new baby would have been horrendous.

DD2 is absolutely nothing like DD1 and I love them equally in their own unique way. People ask would I rather have a DD and a DS than 2 DDs but I ask them which would I swap? Of course neither because they are who they are in their own ways. Them being able to play together was a massive bonus during half term as I could actually get on top of the house jobs! I appreciated that as a couple of friends have struggled during lockdown due to having to be the entertainment for their bored child. But hopefully a global pandemic won't happen again so don't just have a 2nd for company for your 1st!

It's the best thing I ever did and I was sick daily throughout both pregnancies. I'm so pleased I get to be both of them's mummy.

The 2nd was a doddle compared to the first but I spend more time refereeing than I expected!

I have 2. Four years apart. My eldest started school not long after the new baby came along so for me, it was perfect. They mostly get on well and during lock down, I've been so happy that they both had a built in playmate. However hard I try, I just can't play like a child.
I wouldnt change anything. It's definitely more work in some ways but much easier in others and it's lovely to see them playing together.

I had two, and barely a year apart. And the first four years were a bit of hell. Two in diapers, two taking a bottle. When I was single, I thought I would change the world. When I had the second child, I thought I was doing well to shave both legs the same day, without running out of hot water.

THAT SAID...when I began potty training the elder, the younger watched with great interest, and pretty much potty trained himself, watching his brother. AND...once school started, what was a real chore became a real joy. They spent most of their school years on the same sports teams, invited to the same birthday parties, going to the same schools. The parents who had pitied me for having two in diapers now envied me that I wasn't running all over town taking kids to practices, etc. on opposite sides of the city.

Look, the bottom line is that one child takes 100% of your time. Two children take 100% of you time, and your chances that your kids will be friends is far higher when they are closer in age. If that's what you want, then plan to have one very soon. If you don't mind the second child being the "bratty little brother/sister, and if you don't mind driving all over the place to activites, by all means wait. It just depends on how you see the shape of your life in the next 5 or so years as opposed to the next 16 or so years. And I know that we're each different, so what worked so very well for me, might not for you.

Maybe wait til your youngest is a bit older when my DD was younger she'd always come in our room and take ages to get to sleep but by the time her baby sister was born she was 4 years 9 months and had just started school she sleeps 7-8pm til at least 6am -she goes to sleep in about 5 mins (tonight is an exception she came into our room coz she woke up needing the loo so once she'd been to the loo she was awake so she's in our room tonight but this is rare!) shes also really helpful and not at all resentful of her sister she's really lovely with her! Plus I get to spend time with just the baby when DD is at school xx

I left seven years between mine so yes it was much easier, but I feel the age gap now is to much, maybe 3 years. My grandchildren live with me there is only 18mths between them and it is a bloody nightmare, but they are so close and I feel in a couple of years it will be easier and you will reap the rewards when they are older. But at the end of the day you must go with how you feel. All the best x

I have a 12 week old baby girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy.

It was a shock to the system at first, but once you get into a new rhythm it’s not much more work than just the one (my toddler is very well behaved but does have a nuclear tantrum every couple of days or so).

I’d say go for it. It’s totally worth it.

I think we are going to just see what happens. so not necessarily obsessively trying like we did with our daughter who took a while. but just go with the flow and it will happen when it happens! no guarantees I suppose! it could happen really quickly or it could take well over a year so I suppose it's not something I can necessarily 'plan' anyway. and if it does happen quickly the responses on here have reassured me that even though it's hard it's not as horrendous as I built it up to be in my head

Definitely have two! Mine are nearly 3 years apart and it’s a great age gap as the first one got time with both parents, but they’re old enough to talk and understand properly and can help with baby - bring you a nappy etc, not napping and possibly potty trained. You won’t regret it. Mine are 5 and 8 now and they’ve always got company and I actually get a break. One kid will always want and expect you to play with them. Believe me I’ve got friends like that and it’s exhausting. Two is definitely not twice the work. Good luck OP!

None of my pregnancies were planned - my first child was 4 1/2 when his sister was born and just when I was getting used to getting out of the house without too much palaver, number 3 appeared, 3 1/2 years later ! In the end, I think the bigger gaps made it easier, ( I never thought I would have/want more than that!) but it prolongs being a school mum, and getting back to ‘normality’. But I don’t regret it for one minute, even though money was tight and It put my working life ( I’ve never had a ‘career’) on hold.

Got two daughters with just over a two year age gap. Found having two hard to start with but seeing the bond they have makes every second worthwhile and it makes life so much easier now as they permanently have their best friend at their side.

I have 3 years between my too and it was SOOOOOOO much harder than I expected or everyone led me to believe! I wouldn't change them for the work but wish I had been more prepared for the exhaustion.

The biggest challenge for me though was the guilt! I felt guilty that my eldest was not getting the attention she used too and also guilt for the new baby not getting the same level of 1:1 that her sister got!

It is getting easier the older they get and it is so lovely to see their bond and friendship grow.... But MY GOD I was shocked at the difference between having 1 and having 2

Same rachelvbwho. Can’t believe all these saying it wasn’t that much more work when a second child arrived. Two was way more than double the work for me. It’s only just now that they’re 8 and 6 that I find I’m able to put my feet up a bit more.

I found the second child (2.5 years' difference, both girls) was much easier than the first. Better sleeper, easier at breastfeeding, generally more chilled out. As my mum and many other parents pointed out, it's because we as parents are more chilled out the second time round. We know what we're doing, we don't freak out so easily and the PFB syndrome just evaporates. You're just a more competent, calmer parent and as the baby picks up on your moods and stress levels, it's also calmer. Bonus was that MiL also decided we probably know what we're doing second time round and stopped interfering. Second motherhood was just more enjoyable, and for me, it was worth it for that reason alone.

I won't lie, the first two years were tough. Looking after a baby and a toddler is exhausting. But as the baby grows into toddlerhood and the two kids start interacting with each other, that's why you start seeing the benefits of having two. Quite apart from absolutely ace and hilarious conversations, they play together and entertain each other so you don't need to provide fun and mental stimulation to your child all the time. And the second child learns so much from the first! My second basically potty trained herself because she wanted to be like her sister, started talking earlier etc etc. It's brilliant.

As for cost, you have the all the clothes and toys already. I went to work part-time after taking a year's maternity leave and we could afford a nanny to come over on the days I was working, who charged us only slightly more for loooking after two kids that she would have looking after one - basically charging per hour not per each kid.

Worked for us beautifully. They are now 15 and 12, great friends who continue to have ace conversations.

Also once you have two, or more, they have someone to play with and you are not stuck as their only source of entertainment. First children are a lot of work. More so than subsequent kids

My DS and DD are 17 months apart. They are now 15 and 14 and there has never been a moment since they were born when I wasn't really glad I had them so close together.

The first few years were hard (but definitely not double the work), as I lived 200 miles from my family, and my (now late) DH often worked long hours. But it was always worth it to see them playing together - they entertained each other so well.

When my DC lost their lovely dad, and during the stressful months before he died when he was very unwell, they were an amazing support for one another.

As teenagers, they have a lovely relationship, and I think they will remain good friends as adults. I feel very fortunate to have them both and I know they feel fortunate to have each other.

To add , my DC1 was a very amiable baby and had just started toddling when DC2 was born at 18months. DC2 was a miserable fussy baby so those first six months were hard work . However once DC2 had settled I loved having two DC , they had each other to play with and being close in age did everything together. My third DC was 8 years younger and needed a lot ore attention for several reasons. They are very close to their siblings now they are more or less grown up but the age gap when young meant they were alone a lot ,in the car a lot and often feeling left out. I obviously wouldn't change them for the world but in terms of work load I do think small gaps are better . That is just my experience though.