To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[Beline4u]

For a start, your needs to grow a pair, be mature. This a big deal and he needs to be 9n board. Its extremely wrong to have him put this on you especially when you are worried!

I found having a second child much easier (I have 4 boys) There is 22months between them, I love the relationship they have (at times they can be wee demons). But at the end of the day, I believe that if some happened myself and DH my kids will have each other. I'm a worst case scenario type person

[Piglet89]

Yes, i will stick at one. He also wasn’t the best sleeper (although we did sleep train so he reliably sleeps now and there’s no cajoling or protracted bed times)

He now 18 months and wonderful but he is INCREDIBLY full on. Some of his little pals seem capable of sitting still and playing with toys for more than, I dunno - 2 mins?! He’s just constantly on the go, I’m an old crone as well as i had him at 38 and I’m permanently tired trying to keep up with him. I wouldn’t change him - he’s such an enthusiastic, energetic, happy little boy. But he’s more than enough for me!

[TheNinny]

Don't have another because you feel obliged to or worry your DH will change his mind. Its up to him to communicate his wants to you as well. My husband has a sibling 2 years younger and barely see each other. Got along ok as kids but did thier own thing. Maybe you will have a 2nd and they will be close though but there is no way to tell. I have one child and adore it bit dont feel compelled for another (yet). My DD has close cousins and pals at her nursery, is more socialised than her cousin who is mainly just around her brother. Have another only if you want one. I check with DH every so often to see if his feelings change. So far he is happy with one and feels so need for another either. If he was to turn around in 10 years when i can't have kids anymore and blame me, he wouldnt have a leg to stand on. Its as much his decision as yours. He has had the opportunity to say if he wants more, whether we move forward on if or not.

[blitzen]

Watching this thread with interest, thanks OP. I have a toddler and feel like I probably would like another, but I don't think I could do it during the pandemic with no groups to go to etc. But I am also getting on so don't feel able to leave it much longer. It is on my mind a lot. I am also conflicted as a very happy and content only child myself! I used to pity my friends who had siblings when I was a kid.

[MrsLighthouse]

I had 2 of my own ( 4 years apart ) and then 20 years later we got custody of twin 5 year old boys ! Don’t regret anything for once second and adore them all, but there’s NO way 2 is easier than one. For all the “ they keep each other company “ there’s so many squabbles / trying to treat them the same / one is always ill / childcare is a hideous juggle and you’ll be poor forever 😆 l’m still dealing with the needs and dramas of the older ones ..let alone the younger two. It’s not just about when they’re young. I have many friends with only children who have everything - riding lessons, good holidays , loads of friends around etc . Having done it twice ...l’d say go in with your eyes wide open and if you are ready for the struggle have a second. Also, does your husband even want to replicate his huge family ? ..and you’re young , you don’t have to decide for years . Good luck...

[Emma1234567]

I’m an only child. As a kid you don’t really think too much about it, although there were times I would see my friends with their siblings and wish I had that relationship with someone. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. I have great friends although the bond we have is definitely not the same as what they have with their sisters/brothers. I also feel sad that my kids don’t have the opportunity to have bonds with cousins like my friends children do.

I now have 3 children (5 and under) and a 4th on the way. There’s no doubt that more kids equals more work for the parents however in my experience the positives out weigh the negatives. Also as they play together, once the youngest is out of the baby stage, they can entertain themselves quite a lot of the time without as much input from you.

During lockdown I’ve notice that my kids have got through it very well, much better than friends with only one child as they’ve had each other so the effect of not seeing their friends hasn’t hit them as hard.

Having said that it’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t have another if you really think you’re going to struggle as your 1st child will be happier having a happy mum vs a stressed out one!

[Namechangedididittoo]

My first born dd was a nightmare sleeping eating everything I fell pregnant two years later (couldn’t believe it and did about 10 tests),my second dd was the complete opposite and in turn that helped first daughter.

[ImAGummyBear]

@Babyboomtastic

I think the best way to compare, is when parents of 2 find themselves with just the one for the day. Especially when the second was a baby, if the grandparents had our toddler for the day, with just the newborn it was literally like a mini break! That's when you see how much additional work an extra child has, but one child also then seems much easier than they did before

That is so true! Its funny when you have more than one child you sort of adjust and think oh its not that much harder.

But I do realise when I drop one of my children to school on their own for any reason, or go for a walk with only one, it does feel like a mini break and I do have much more of my attention for him (coz I'm not trying to stop the speeding 3year old getting too far ahead on their scooter, or veering into the road, etc etc)

I am lucky though that my oldest is much older than his siblings so he is more of a help, more like a third parent and he enjoys the 'you shouldn't be doing this' convos lol

[cherrybunx0]

me and my partner had a proper chat last night. got to the bottom of a few things actually. turns out, and I have to admit this does come into my mind too, because we lost a twin pregnancy (the miscarriage before our daughter) and it really affected our mental health, he is terrified it could happen again. we were both really down for a while after it happened, pretty much until I conceived again actually. I think when we really dug down into why we were so unsure this was just under the surface, the fear it could happen again and whether or not that was a risk we wanted to take, whether we could recover from that being a possibility again.

but I guess you have to take risks dont you!? i think we have decided, as I posted on here earlier, we are going to see what happens. not try like we did before the miscarriage and for our daughter but not take precautions either and whatever will be will be. I'm relieved he finally offered some form of opinion on it and what he was really thinking rather than just "its up to you" although now I do get why he was saying that, he said he was worried of seeing me so upset again if we went through something like the miscarriage again but I dont think I would go to pieces quite as much now, as our daughter would need us.

thanks for all advice on this thread, much appreciated at a realistic view of what it can be like with 2 or more.

[speakout]

*Emma1234567
I’m an only child. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. *

I wouldn't count on that.
I have seen my sister twice in the past 30 years.
She emigrated to Australia at 18.

[Garlicinyoursoul]

@cherrybunx0

me and my partner had a proper chat last night. got to the bottom of a few things actually. turns out, and I have to admit this does come into my mind too, because we lost a twin pregnancy (the miscarriage before our daughter) and it really affected our mental health, he is terrified it could happen again. we were both really down for a while after it happened, pretty much until I conceived again actually. I think when we really dug down into why we were so unsure this was just under the surface, the fear it could happen again and whether or not that was a risk we wanted to take, whether we could recover from that being a possibility again.

but I guess you have to take risks dont you!? i think we have decided, as I posted on here earlier, we are going to see what happens. not try like we did before the miscarriage and for our daughter but not take precautions either and whatever will be will be. I'm relieved he finally offered some form of opinion on it and what he was really thinking rather than just "its up to you" although now I do get why he was saying that, he said he was worried of seeing me so upset again if we went through something like the miscarriage again but I dont think I would go to pieces quite as much now, as our daughter would need us.

thanks for all advice on this thread, much appreciated at a realistic view of what it can be like with 2 or more.

It’s good you had a really open conversation, the fear of miscarriage and obsessively trying afterwards can be a huge weight on you both.
I’ve had a mc, and a twin pregnancy that continued on as a single pregnancy, and they were the lowest times of our lives. We communicated well through it, but dealt with our feelings very differently.
In the end we decided to have a second as we couldn’t picture our lives without them in it. Our DDs are almost exactly 3 years apart and whilst it is hard work, I absolutely love the way they are together and how similar, yet different they are too. Our toddler is mischievous, eternally happy and a brilliant sleeper. Our eldest is bright, hilarious and it took her years to learn how to sleep.

[CateJW]

Yes it's harder. I had 2 under 2 and now 2 toddlers! very stressful at times! Plusses and minuses to having them so close in age (21months apart) definitely hard having a baby, with a young toddler who isnt yet independent in any way, but you get nappies, bad sleep, no time to yourself etc, all out of the way in the shortest time possible.
And yes it is totally worth it!!

[JaninaDuszejko]

@Emma1234567

I’m an only child. As a kid you don’t really think too much about it, although there were times I would see my friends with their siblings and wish I had that relationship with someone. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. I have great friends although the bond we have is definitely not the same as what they have with their sisters/brothers. I also feel sad that my kids don’t have the opportunity to have bonds with cousins like my friends children do.

I now have 3 children (5 and under) and a 4th on the way. There’s no doubt that more kids equals more work for the parents however in my experience the positives out weigh the negatives. Also as they play together, once the youngest is out of the baby stage, they can entertain themselves quite a lot of the time without as much input from you.

During lockdown I’ve notice that my kids have got through it very well, much better than friends with only one child as they’ve had each other so the effect of not seeing their friends hasn’t hit them as hard.

Having said that it’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t have another if you really think you’re going to struggle as your 1st child will be happier having a happy mum vs a stressed out one!

This reflects so much of my experience.

My Mum was an only child (not her parent's choice, her brother died before she was born). I'm one of 4. Mum went to boarding school and has very close friendships. She said it was a surprise to her that as children we were all happy to hang out with each other and weren't bothered about seeing our friends in the holidays. DH (one of 3) and I have 3DC and I agree it's been much easier for our 3DC than for only children (with the massive proviso that we have an above average income and have benefitted financially from the pandemic). It's actually made the DC closer, they argue much less than they did pre-lockdown and play together more.

Another factor is that if you have a child that struggles socially they always have their family. I know you always get the 'well, I never speak to my siblings' responses but as long as you've been a reasonable parent and haven't fucked your DC up too much they should hopefully have an amicable relationship when they grow up.