To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[mistermagpie]

@BlackBrowedAlbatross

This is a good point. My 3 (nearly 4) year old and my 5 year old are best friends - I barely ever even have to play with them because they play with each other and I actually find it much easier to have both of them together than if the older one is at school.

[mistermagpie]

I've not actually answered your question though - is it worth it?

One billion percent.

[Twizbe]

@cherrybunx0

would I regret it in 10 years time? it's really hard to say.

it's from a financial point of view as well I suppose. me and my partner could give current child everything they want and need. but I guess not everything is about money.

In 10 years time you'll be 35 so still able to have another child.

Given your ages and issues with sleep, I suggest putting the whole issue to one side until your child reaches school or 30 hours free. I've found 3.5/4 to be a lovely age with my eldest. While I think it would be hard to then go back to newborn days, he'd be easier to manage and he's a lot more independent.

As it is I had number 2 when number 1 had just turned 2. It was hard work. It's better now they're older, but it still hard

[BergamotMouse]

We had about a 27 month gap

Initially it was hard. Neither of mine slept well, I've got used to it.

But now they are 4 and 2 it is brilliant!! They play together beautifully which frees me up a lot more than it would if I had 1 (DC1 is quite intense and needs constant attention).

I wouldn't change it for the world

[MashaPotato]

I could have written your post OP! Down to feeling guilt from family members about how lovely a sibling is etc.

We decided we would go for a second, but we’ve been trying for nearly a year now with no luck. I can feel the age gap getting bigger with every failed month of trying and it really upsets me. I now realise how badly I do want another one! But it might never happen for us after all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it might not be so easy xx

[dottiedodah]

I think you are both fairly young ATM .Why the rush? If you have a doubt there then thats for a reason . Many people seem to fall over themselves to tell you how many children to have ,when and so on .If anyone asks just say "We are quite happy with one ATM thanks! We will let you know if we are having any more." Your DP may be one of 6 but his DM has had to do all the hard work of looking after and birthing 6 DC FFS!

[Megan2018]

You have plenty of time to decide. There’s 3.5 years between my brother and I so just give it another year and see how you feel then.

We can’t have a second due to age and finances-can’t afford child are for 2 and too old to wait for a bigger gap. If we had the time I’d have a 3-4 year age gap (but we are mid-late 40’s already so can’t).

[Takebackthepower]

I have done both.. had one child alone for 15 years and now i have three small ones so i have seen both sides. To me its been easier having them close together as they always have someone to play with and i can sit down and leave them to it and not feel guilty as they are together.. they learn so much from each other.. and the joy from seeing their relationship grow is something else. Its not much more work.. its defo not as hard as imagined. Its more chaotic and noisy and messy for sure but just one child was harder in fact for me as it was one on one attention all day.

[Rainallnight]

I found the step up from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. Much harder than 0 to 1. It’s so much work, and managing their relationship (particularly right now, fighting over toys in lockdown etc) is very hard. Life would definitely be so much easier if I’d stuck at one. If ever I happen to just be with one of them for any period of time, I always end up thinking ‘one is such a piece of cake’.

Having said that, my dad died just before DC2 arrived and my mum died not that long after so to say I’ve not been at my best is an understatement. And I’m a lot older than you!

And their relationship is really lovely. I wouldn’t change that.

[MessagesKeepGettingClearer]

I have twins so a bit different but also another on the way due any week now.

Some bits are harder but some bits are easier. My boys play together whereas if there was just one I'd probably have a lot more work in that regard.

If you were to get pregnant soon, there would be a 2-3 year age gap, I think that's pretty ok. Your eldest will be in preschool when born then when baby is old enough to walk around and cause chaos, the eldest will be starting school full time.

Holidays will be much more fun for your child if there's another. And when they're older it's nice to have a sibling to share the family load.

Personally, yes, I think it's very much worth it. The hardest part of parenting is the first year or two when sleep deprivation is real and dependency is strong. Once they're more independent it will get much easier and having more than one should pay off

[Itsjustaride8w737]

Your baby is only young op, it's not now or never to decide!

My friend has 2 five years apart and they get on great, she also managed to finally get the eldest to sleep through before falling pregnant.

I have a 12 year age gap and it's lovely although bigger than i expected!

Give it a few years op and see how you feel.

[cherrybunx0]

@Takebackthepower that's interesting that you have it from both perspectives.

I'm lucky in that I have a supportive family too, and I suppose having a child during COVID times has probably distorted my view of what it's like. I have been working from home since baby was 9 months old, initially using family as childcare. after continuous bouts of having to isolate (family members who were helping), since christmas I have just been doing it by myself. so it's been really full on. I guess that's something else to bare in mind.

[Emmacb82]

I think the positive thing is that you’re young and you have plenty of time to decide whether you want a second. I always knew I wanted more than one, but when my first came along it was a massive shock to the system. Being a parent in real life is so much harder than in fantasy!! I had an awful birth, pnd and I really struggled. He also didn’t sleep through reliably until he was over 3. My second is now 10 months and my eldest is nearly 5. Despite having a baby in a pandemic and all the crap that comes with that, I can’t imagine life without him. He’s slotted in perfectly and although it is hard work at times, it’s been i Weber near as bad as going from 0-1 for me. Others may find it different, it’s a very personal thing. If I had my choice I would stick to a longer age gap so the first one has free hours to use at pre school. Then you have time for just baby. And by the time they are over 3, they are a lot more independent, can talk, potty trained etc and second won’t seem so daunting.

[NameChange30]

It's such a personal decision. And you don't have to decide now, either. There's no harm in stopping at one if you want, your DD will have friends and if she has cousins you could enable her to spend time with them if possible. If you decide that you want another, it will be hard work but worth it, in the same way that DD was hard work but worth it.

DH and I had a difficult first year with DC1, he had CMPA and reflux and was a terrible sleeper. But once we got the medical issues under control, I night weaned (but continued breastfeeding during the day) and did some sleep training. Once we were all sleeping more it got much easier. I'd always wanted two children but wasn't ready to start trying until after DC1 turned 2. I now have DC2, there is a 3.5 year age gap, and it's hard work but it's most definitely worth it to me. We're only 6 months in but the DCs have a lovely bond (DC1 dotes on DC2 and she lights up when he's around). We are more relaxed and confident second time around. Sleep deprivation is a killer, especially when dealing with a difficult 3yo during the day! But he sleeps well, at least. So my advice would be that if you are going to have a second (now or later) make sure you sort DC1's sleep first.

[SplendidSuns1000]

A second child may be easier than the first, but together they are still 2 children. You may know what you're doing more and feel more relaxed about knowing you're a good parent but it doesn't make both of them easier to care for.

[cherrybunx0]

@Emmacb82 yes to the fantasy vs reality lol! I'm the first out of my friendship group to have children, and when we were meeting regularly (ish) last year during the summer it was "oh sooo cute, you're twinning" if we were wearing the same colour or "omg I bet you just stare at her all day" and "so lucky you have a girl to dress up" but it's not that at all haha! she hates being dressed, doesnt sleep longer than 2/3 hours at a time and if we are wearing the same colours it's a complete accident rather than a deliberate choice!

I'm glad 2 worked out well for you :)

it's certainly helpful reading it from different views. general consensus looks like, it's tough the first few years but is worth it.

[emeraldcity2000]

My 2 are 4 years apart. It's hard but I think the length of gap helps... I had a very difficult first pregnancy and couldn't face it again until life got a bit easier... but I'm an only child who really hates being one, so I knew we would have a second if we could.
I adore both of them, hard but totally worth it.

[SmokedDuck]

Two isn't twice the work. It's more work, but not twice, and a lot of the difficult mental stuff you have already dealt with.

The advantages to waiting a bit you know. The advantages to having them closer is that they are more likely to be good playmates, and when you are past the baby stage you won't be having to go back to it again. It can be disconcerting to have things start to seem more normal and then have another baby put you right back to square one.

[trilbydoll]

DD1 was and still is a dreadful sleeper. We've got a 2 year age gap on the basis that once out of nappies and sleepless nights I would not want to go back!

2 kids is approximately 4 times as much washing but they entertain each other a LOT, especially at the moment. There's obviously no guarantee of this but it is definitely easier now having 2 (they are 5 and 7) even with the homeschooling aspect.

[anxiouscrazymum]

I love having 2 and although the first 18months were hard (very small gap) they are now besties and I believe 2 is much easier than one as you do not have to constantly entertain!
My 2 go off and okay for hours leaving me time to work/clean/relax!
Go for it, it's short term pain for long term gain!

[emeraldcity2000]

@trilbydoll

DD1 was and still is a dreadful sleeper. We've got a 2 year age gap on the basis that once out of nappies and sleepless nights I would not want to go back!

2 kids is approximately 4 times as much washing but they entertain each other a LOT, especially at the moment. There's obviously no guarantee of this but it is definitely easier now having 2 (they are 5 and 7) even with the homeschooling aspect.

Oh my god the washing!!! It's exponential. Sometimes I think people live in my house who I haven't met yet ....

[cartwheelsteel]

So hard to answer. I have 2, just over 2 years apart. I found the move from 1-2 really hard. My second baby was a bad sleeper and cried...a lot whereas my first was just about the easiest baby you could ever ask for. I struggled really badly, for the first 2 years with lack of sleep, PND and just generally being overwhelmed at the sheer demands of 2 young children. I wonder whether it's in part down to my personality, being quite highly strung, wanting things to be perfect. Also down to what support system you have - we had none.

Now the kids are a bit older I do find it much easier, they play together and occupy each other and have a great time. So I think it's a bit easier than life with one would be. I don't regret my decision at all, but I do shudder a bit when I remember those first couple of years. Also pregnancy with a young child wasn't a highlight for me.

But everyone's different. I have several friends who struggled with the first child and found the second easy as anything!

[GU24Mum]

It depends so much on your circumstances, age gap, lifestyle - and what the children are like.

For us, the eldest takes up lots of time and could easily take up far more. She takes up far of my headspace and energy than the other two combined but I wouldn't want only to have one somewhat difficult child - a dose of easier children is good too even if the combined effect is harder - that probably makes no sense!!

[Roszie]

Definitely wasn't twice the work for us, two was a doddle. You know what to do and don't mess about with bedtimes etc.

And with 2 years between them they were always great friends growing up, and had someone to go to the park with etc when older.

[Roszie]

It's also easier when the youngest can play and they play together rather than constant mum can you play? Etc.

I spent many an afternoon reading a book while they played with the playmobile in front of me.