To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[YoniAndGuy]

2 = double the work/time/money. It’s simple maths

Couldn't be further from the truth on work and time, as well as money.

My good friend is tearing her hair out at the moment in lockdown, with her energetic talkative easily bored 9 year old only child. She's spending her weekends trying to think up activities and listen listen listen and do baking and, and, and!

Mine are also finding it tough. But it's nowhere near the challenge as they have other non-adults in the house - to play with, argue with, watch the same stuff as. Even a companion to watch cartoons on a Sunday morning instead of 'Mummy come sit with meeeee!'

I have much much more free time, mentally and physically, in this lockdown than my friend with her daughter. Tons more time. Tons less work.

[SnowdropsCrocuses]

I admit I found a baby and toddler very hard, having found one fine. However this was because the temperament of my younger dd was much more highly strung than elder dd had been.
However it got easier and they are lovely and easy as teenagers. It's been very worth it as they are great company for each other.

[NotJosieGrosieAnymore]

Absolutely agree with PP - I’m one of 4 all extremely close in age and we fought like cats and dogs for years! I think the small age gaps made it worse.

[YoniAndGuy]

Only one thing I would say. Don't have a gap of more than say three years. 2-3 years is the optimum. Your second mat leave, you want that when the older one is still preschool/nursery -it saves you money. Also they are more likely to roughly get on, do the same things. You won't feel you're 'going right back' to the baby stage. It's easier all the way through, to have them just a couple of years apart in stages - in school, in activities, everything.

[DWPmisery1972]

Ahhhh @MrsKoala you’re triggering me with the hat/shoes/coats debacles

[TicTac80]

I have two, but there's an almost 7yr age gap. They mostly get on brilliantly! The handy thing is that my eldest (DS) could understand and see all the work that went into looking after a baby, so could understand why younger DC was crying/not settling etc. My youngest (DD) almost hero-worships her big brother, and they do play together (lots of Lego, outdoorsy stuff, video games). Also, I only had to pay one set of nursery fees at a time. Sure it's hard work, but I think it can be hard work being a parent anyway. I wouldn't be without them! DD wants a younger sibling....but I'm 40, single....and just no way!!

One of my best friends has 3 DC very close in age (hats off to her!). The good thing there is that the baby/toddler years have flown by. I'm one of 4: 2 older siblings v close in age, large age gap, then myself and younger sibling (also v close in age). We're all very close, which is fab.

[MrsKoala]

@YoniAndGuy

2 = double the work/time/money. It’s simple maths

Couldn't be further from the truth on work and time, as well as money.

My good friend is tearing her hair out at the moment in lockdown, with her energetic talkative easily bored 9 year old only child. She's spending her weekends trying to think up activities and listen listen listen and do baking and, and, and!

Mine are also finding it tough. But it's nowhere near the challenge as they have other non-adults in the house - to play with, argue with, watch the same stuff as. Even a companion to watch cartoons on a Sunday morning instead of 'Mummy come sit with meeeee!'

I have much much more free time, mentally and physically, in this lockdown than my friend with her daughter. Tons more time. Tons less work.

I think that depends on the child. H and I are both onlies, we were really good at entertaining ourselves, as are some of my friends only kids, they love reading and doing quiet things alone. My children, like your friend’s child all want to have constant interaction from a grown up. They don’t really entertain each other at all. Especially my 4yo dd who doesn’t want to build Lego or play with the boys and the boys don’t want to dress as princesses.

[ArabellaScott]

This is why ours have a pretty big age gap! - 4 years.

I was absolutely petrified to have a second. My first was such hard going. We were braced ... and the second was a breeze. An absolute joy. Partly luck, partly practise.

But mostly, I would say - no need to rush into it, you're both still very young, and from what I see, a big(ger) age gap is a plus. Mine are very close and loving towards each other. So, try and take some of the pressure off and maybe the decision will come to you by itself.

[waterproofed]

You should only have the children you really want to have, for yourself. Everybody else's opinion is irrelevant because ultimately they will only ever be yours and your partners.

I was not ready for another when DS was 14 months, for similar reasons to yours. I did want more children, however, and we had DD when he was 3.5 and already at the school nursery. They are both healthy and happy and actually best of friends - lockdown has brought them closer. But I REALLY wanted more than 1 child and got lucky with healthy, easy kids who like each other.

Please don't let people pressure you into having a second if you don't want another child. If you want one, however, you will cope just fine. It is not double the work.

[ArabellaScott]

Sorry, yes it was worth it and no not much harder, but there are so many variables that nobody else's decision can really inform yours. It has to be up to your own situation and feelings.

[IsThisJustLife]

I had a bad sleeper and extended BF too and 15 months in I didn't want another. That's why I have a four year age gap. They have spent hours playing together over their lives, but also plenty of time arguing with each other.

Life gets more difficult with two – although my second slept better. But when you're just out of hospital with the second you still have to entertain the first. There's a lot less napping when your child naps.

[GlitterFairy01]

For me, I knew once I had finished changing a baby with nappies I wouldn’t go back to it so I two close in age. For us it was the best decision as the nappy stage was over, then the sleepless night stage was over, we’re currently going through life with 2 teens (boy and girl) which is difficult due to hormones all over the place but they both get on really well and keep each other entertained so I don’t have too if they’re bored, they play board games together or go out on walks with the dog and pokemon hunt together.

8 of my friends have gone on to have a third and all of them have warned me against it (even though they love the 3rd they all regret it as life with 2 is much easier and they’re finding the older 2 will go off to do things that the younger one can’t) but I’ve never regretted having two.

[JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson]

@YoniAndGuy

Only one thing I would say. Don't have a gap of more than say three years. 2-3 years is the optimum. Your second mat leave, you want that when the older one is still preschool/nursery -it saves you money. Also they are more likely to roughly get on, do the same things. You won't feel you're 'going right back' to the baby stage. It's easier all the way through, to have them just a couple of years apart in stages - in school, in activities, everything.

Completely disagree. We have a gap of just under five years and it is absolutely wonderful. Smaller age gaps are just as likely to mean more competition and fighting as they are closeness. It is a joy to have time at home during the day with the baby while the eldest is at school.

[VaVaGloom]

We have two a couple of years apart & I can't imagine them not having each other to grow up with. They fight but are friends and playmates too. Both bring me joy! It would be a quieter house with one though.

[disneydreaming]

I have two and work full time. I honestly didn't find it too much harder although my oldest was 5 and just about to start school when her DB was born which probably helped.
Now that they are older I actually find its often easier as the oldest helps the youngest loads and they will play with each other so they don't need me to entertain them constantly like my youngest needed until her brother came along.
It's definitely financially more difficult and it can be a balance trying to cater for both when they each have activities etc and it can be a bit chaotic at times but I wouldn't have it any other way.

[TupilaLilium]

I had two 2.5 years apart, and a third after a 10 year gap The first two played together beautifully. My memories are of them occupying each other, so in that way it was easier. They were great to travel with. My third kid needs us to entertain her.

But it was always two times the swim lessons, two times the sports days, two times the rugby games. Two times the night wakings. Now it is two times the university tuition coming up. There was a lot of running around for the entire middle childhood period.

Some bits are easier with two, and some bits are harder. I think you only have a baby if truly want one. It sounds like you don't truly want one right now.

[Waspnest]

I have one and absolutely love it (and she was a terrible sleeper as well!). I have loads of friends with only one plus whilst I get on brilliantly with my Dsis (now we're adults, we hated each other as kids), my DH has two siblings who he didn't get on with. One is dead, the other NC so it is him alone dealing with his DM's dementia. So I've never bought into the whole providing a sibling for a childhood playmate/someone to share the care of elderly parents with.

Do people regret having children? Yes plenty of people on here love their children but still wish that they hadn't had them.

I do think that a lot of people on these types of threads tend to base their views on having 2/3/4 perfectly healthy children with no serious disabilities but if I'm honest one of the reasons I only had one was I wanted to be a mother but I knew that if I went on to have a child with disabilities, it would massively affect how I could bring up my first one. And I wasn't willing to risk that.

[crosspelican]

I got pregnant with no. 2 when no. 1 was the same age and it's been brilliant. DD1 was sleeping, give or take, when DD2 came along (you're pregnant for AGES don't forget!) and they still play together very happily even now, at 10 and 12. It's the playing together part that has been brilliant for us. They occupy each other happily for hours every day, even if there are occsional screaming matches.

I was an only child and it sucked. I was so lonely, and when I look at how much my two love each other (in between the hating, of course!) it makes me sad that I didn't have that.

Honestly though, babies are the worst, so I would get it over and done with asap. The closer in age they are, the more they will absorb each other, and you will get the nappies and prams phase your life over and done with faster, and get your career back on track with no more interruptions.

My only regret is not getting pregnant again when dd2 was about 12 - 14 months old. It's far too late now. We should have just gone for it.

As you can see from this thread, we all have our own opinions! This is mine, from my own personal experience.

[DipSwimSwoosh]

2 is much easier. Mine are 7, 5 and 3 now. So I had 2 preschoolers for a long time between them. They play together and don't need you nearly as much as an only. And the baby stage isnover very quickly in the grand scheme of things.

[MusicWithRocksIn1t]

I have 2 they are 21 months apart and while I love them both for then life itself its not double the work, it's about 10 times as much work.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with only have 1 if that's what you want. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with having 2 or more if you want more then one.
It is however completely your and your husbands choice not your mother or grandmothers.

My youngest is 2 and still isn't a great sleeper and this is a large part in my decision not to have a third.

[Siennabear]

I have a small age gap. We just thought it would never be the ‘right’ time so just get in with it. Yes it is hard for the first year or 2 but after that they can play together. Because there is a small age gap they’re into the same kind of thing. Free child care comes when they are 3 so that helps out. It is always going to be hard work and we have 2 rubbish sleepers! That is what really put me off too. I would say if you want 2 just go for it.

[Bear2014]

There's no rush at all to decide. I got pregnant with DS when DD was almost 3. We've found the age gap fine, they play together but have their own lives. DS nearly 4 now. I found with both that they started sleeping better when I stopped breastfeeding, then again once in full time preschool/school. Obviously it's double the work but it definitely saves effort on our part when they go off together and they have appreciated each other in lockdown. I think holidays and day trips are more fun for them too, in fact we decided to have another after going on holiday with just DD.

[LocalHobo]

One is like having a pet........ two is like opening a zoo!
This so true! and the comment about effort being squared.

You are so young I would wait and see how you feel at 30.

Siblings getting on together has nothing to do with age gaps. My DSIs is 10 years older than me and we speak every day. My DD and DS with a 22 month age gap are really close. My DH has 30 months between him and his sibling and they have never got on.

[Ori21]

Two was easier than one. With one, you're almost always playing the role of the "sibling," trying to entertain them, be their co-partner in all games. The relationship can become very intense. The family dynamic of having two is somehow more balanced. There is a better feng shui to it IMHO. I had a four year age gap between my two so the eldest was already at school when the little one can along. I planned it like that!!!

[crosspelican]

The elderly care thing hadn't even crossed my mind until reading this thread! I do admit that I resent being the only person there to care for my father. I don't have much in common with him any more, and it's 100% on me now for the rest of his life. It would be AMAZING if I had siblings from that perspective.

Obviously DH & I are going to be thrilling and highly diverting people well into our healthy and active early hundreds, whereupon we will tragically and instantly die in each others arms in an avalanche while skiing off piste in Argentina, so I don't expect our dd's to have any caring problems. ahem