To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[JaninaDuszejko]

@Emma1234567

I’m an only child. As a kid you don’t really think too much about it, although there were times I would see my friends with their siblings and wish I had that relationship with someone. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. I have great friends although the bond we have is definitely not the same as what they have with their sisters/brothers. I also feel sad that my kids don’t have the opportunity to have bonds with cousins like my friends children do.

I now have 3 children (5 and under) and a 4th on the way. There’s no doubt that more kids equals more work for the parents however in my experience the positives out weigh the negatives. Also as they play together, once the youngest is out of the baby stage, they can entertain themselves quite a lot of the time without as much input from you.

During lockdown I’ve notice that my kids have got through it very well, much better than friends with only one child as they’ve had each other so the effect of not seeing their friends hasn’t hit them as hard.

Having said that it’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t have another if you really think you’re going to struggle as your 1st child will be happier having a happy mum vs a stressed out one!

This reflects so much of my experience.

My Mum was an only child (not her parent's choice, her brother died before she was born). I'm one of 4. Mum went to boarding school and has very close friendships. She said it was a surprise to her that as children we were all happy to hang out with each other and weren't bothered about seeing our friends in the holidays. DH (one of 3) and I have 3DC and I agree it's been much easier for our 3DC than for only children (with the massive proviso that we have an above average income and have benefitted financially from the pandemic). It's actually made the DC closer, they argue much less than they did pre-lockdown and play together more.

Another factor is that if you have a child that struggles socially they always have their family. I know you always get the 'well, I never speak to my siblings' responses but as long as you've been a reasonable parent and haven't fucked your DC up too much they should hopefully have an amicable relationship when they grow up.

[CateJW]

Yes it's harder. I had 2 under 2 and now 2 toddlers! very stressful at times! Plusses and minuses to having them so close in age (21months apart) definitely hard having a baby, with a young toddler who isnt yet independent in any way, but you get nappies, bad sleep, no time to yourself etc, all out of the way in the shortest time possible.
And yes it is totally worth it!!

[Garlicinyoursoul]

@cherrybunx0

me and my partner had a proper chat last night. got to the bottom of a few things actually. turns out, and I have to admit this does come into my mind too, because we lost a twin pregnancy (the miscarriage before our daughter) and it really affected our mental health, he is terrified it could happen again. we were both really down for a while after it happened, pretty much until I conceived again actually. I think when we really dug down into why we were so unsure this was just under the surface, the fear it could happen again and whether or not that was a risk we wanted to take, whether we could recover from that being a possibility again.

but I guess you have to take risks dont you!? i think we have decided, as I posted on here earlier, we are going to see what happens. not try like we did before the miscarriage and for our daughter but not take precautions either and whatever will be will be. I'm relieved he finally offered some form of opinion on it and what he was really thinking rather than just "its up to you" although now I do get why he was saying that, he said he was worried of seeing me so upset again if we went through something like the miscarriage again but I dont think I would go to pieces quite as much now, as our daughter would need us.

thanks for all advice on this thread, much appreciated at a realistic view of what it can be like with 2 or more.

It’s good you had a really open conversation, the fear of miscarriage and obsessively trying afterwards can be a huge weight on you both.
I’ve had a mc, and a twin pregnancy that continued on as a single pregnancy, and they were the lowest times of our lives. We communicated well through it, but dealt with our feelings very differently.
In the end we decided to have a second as we couldn’t picture our lives without them in it. Our DDs are almost exactly 3 years apart and whilst it is hard work, I absolutely love the way they are together and how similar, yet different they are too. Our toddler is mischievous, eternally happy and a brilliant sleeper. Our eldest is bright, hilarious and it took her years to learn how to sleep.

[speakout]

*Emma1234567
I’m an only child. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. *

I wouldn't count on that.
I have seen my sister twice in the past 30 years.
She emigrated to Australia at 18.

[cherrybunx0]

me and my partner had a proper chat last night. got to the bottom of a few things actually. turns out, and I have to admit this does come into my mind too, because we lost a twin pregnancy (the miscarriage before our daughter) and it really affected our mental health, he is terrified it could happen again. we were both really down for a while after it happened, pretty much until I conceived again actually. I think when we really dug down into why we were so unsure this was just under the surface, the fear it could happen again and whether or not that was a risk we wanted to take, whether we could recover from that being a possibility again.

but I guess you have to take risks dont you!? i think we have decided, as I posted on here earlier, we are going to see what happens. not try like we did before the miscarriage and for our daughter but not take precautions either and whatever will be will be. I'm relieved he finally offered some form of opinion on it and what he was really thinking rather than just "its up to you" although now I do get why he was saying that, he said he was worried of seeing me so upset again if we went through something like the miscarriage again but I dont think I would go to pieces quite as much now, as our daughter would need us.

thanks for all advice on this thread, much appreciated at a realistic view of what it can be like with 2 or more.

[ImAGummyBear]

@Babyboomtastic

I think the best way to compare, is when parents of 2 find themselves with just the one for the day. Especially when the second was a baby, if the grandparents had our toddler for the day, with just the newborn it was literally like a mini break! That's when you see how much additional work an extra child has, but one child also then seems much easier than they did before

That is so true! Its funny when you have more than one child you sort of adjust and think oh its not that much harder.

But I do realise when I drop one of my children to school on their own for any reason, or go for a walk with only one, it does feel like a mini break and I do have much more of my attention for him (coz I'm not trying to stop the speeding 3year old getting too far ahead on their scooter, or veering into the road, etc etc)

I am lucky though that my oldest is much older than his siblings so he is more of a help, more like a third parent and he enjoys the 'you shouldn't be doing this' convos lol

[Namechangedididittoo]

My first born dd was a nightmare sleeping eating everything I fell pregnant two years later (couldn’t believe it and did about 10 tests),my second dd was the complete opposite and in turn that helped first daughter.

[Emma1234567]

I’m an only child. As a kid you don’t really think too much about it, although there were times I would see my friends with their siblings and wish I had that relationship with someone. As an adult I definitely feel like I’ve missed out on a part of life most people take for granted. I have great friends although the bond we have is definitely not the same as what they have with their sisters/brothers. I also feel sad that my kids don’t have the opportunity to have bonds with cousins like my friends children do.

I now have 3 children (5 and under) and a 4th on the way. There’s no doubt that more kids equals more work for the parents however in my experience the positives out weigh the negatives. Also as they play together, once the youngest is out of the baby stage, they can entertain themselves quite a lot of the time without as much input from you.

During lockdown I’ve notice that my kids have got through it very well, much better than friends with only one child as they’ve had each other so the effect of not seeing their friends hasn’t hit them as hard.

Having said that it’s a personal choice and I wouldn’t have another if you really think you’re going to struggle as your 1st child will be happier having a happy mum vs a stressed out one!

[MrsLighthouse]

I had 2 of my own ( 4 years apart ) and then 20 years later we got custody of twin 5 year old boys ! Don’t regret anything for once second and adore them all, but there’s NO way 2 is easier than one. For all the “ they keep each other company “ there’s so many squabbles / trying to treat them the same / one is always ill / childcare is a hideous juggle and you’ll be poor forever 😆 l’m still dealing with the needs and dramas of the older ones ..let alone the younger two. It’s not just about when they’re young. I have many friends with only children who have everything - riding lessons, good holidays , loads of friends around etc . Having done it twice ...l’d say go in with your eyes wide open and if you are ready for the struggle have a second. Also, does your husband even want to replicate his huge family ? ..and you’re young , you don’t have to decide for years . Good luck...

[blitzen]

Watching this thread with interest, thanks OP. I have a toddler and feel like I probably would like another, but I don't think I could do it during the pandemic with no groups to go to etc. But I am also getting on so don't feel able to leave it much longer. It is on my mind a lot. I am also conflicted as a very happy and content only child myself! I used to pity my friends who had siblings when I was a kid.

[TheNinny]

Don't have another because you feel obliged to or worry your DH will change his mind. Its up to him to communicate his wants to you as well. My husband has a sibling 2 years younger and barely see each other. Got along ok as kids but did thier own thing. Maybe you will have a 2nd and they will be close though but there is no way to tell. I have one child and adore it bit dont feel compelled for another (yet). My DD has close cousins and pals at her nursery, is more socialised than her cousin who is mainly just around her brother. Have another only if you want one. I check with DH every so often to see if his feelings change. So far he is happy with one and feels so need for another either. If he was to turn around in 10 years when i can't have kids anymore and blame me, he wouldnt have a leg to stand on. Its as much his decision as yours. He has had the opportunity to say if he wants more, whether we move forward on if or not.

[Piglet89]

Yes, i will stick at one. He also wasn’t the best sleeper (although we did sleep train so he reliably sleeps now and there’s no cajoling or protracted bed times)

He now 18 months and wonderful but he is INCREDIBLY full on. Some of his little pals seem capable of sitting still and playing with toys for more than, I dunno - 2 mins?! He’s just constantly on the go, I’m an old crone as well as i had him at 38 and I’m permanently tired trying to keep up with him. I wouldn’t change him - he’s such an enthusiastic, energetic, happy little boy. But he’s more than enough for me!

[Beline4u]

For a start, your needs to grow a pair, be mature. This a big deal and he needs to be 9n board. Its extremely wrong to have him put this on you especially when you are worried!

I found having a second child much easier (I have 4 boys) There is 22months between them, I love the relationship they have (at times they can be wee demons). But at the end of the day, I believe that if some happened myself and DH my kids will have each other. I'm a worst case scenario type person

[yikesanotherbooboo]

To add , my DC1 was a very amiable baby and had just started toddling when DC2 was born at 18months. DC2 was a miserable fussy baby so those first six months were hard work . However once DC2 had settled I loved having two DC , they had each other to play with and being close in age did everything together. My third DC was 8 years younger and needed a lot ore attention for several reasons. They are very close to their siblings now they are more or less grown up but the age gap when young meant they were alone a lot ,in the car a lot and often feeling left out. I obviously wouldn't change them for the world but in terms of work load I do think small gaps are better . That is just my experience though.

[samandpoppysmummy]

My DS and DD are 17 months apart. They are now 15 and 14 and there has never been a moment since they were born when I wasn't really glad I had them so close together.

The first few years were hard (but definitely not double the work), as I lived 200 miles from my family, and my (now late) DH often worked long hours. But it was always worth it to see them playing together - they entertained each other so well.

When my DC lost their lovely dad, and during the stressful months before he died when he was very unwell, they were an amazing support for one another.

As teenagers, they have a lovely relationship, and I think they will remain good friends as adults. I feel very fortunate to have them both and I know they feel fortunate to have each other.

[greeningthedesert]

Also once you have two, or more, they have someone to play with and you are not stuck as their only source of entertainment. First children are a lot of work. More so than subsequent kids

[JonSnowIsALoser]

I found the second child (2.5 years' difference, both girls) was much easier than the first. Better sleeper, easier at breastfeeding, generally more chilled out. As my mum and many other parents pointed out, it's because we as parents are more chilled out the second time round. We know what we're doing, we don't freak out so easily and the PFB syndrome just evaporates. You're just a more competent, calmer parent and as the baby picks up on your moods and stress levels, it's also calmer. Bonus was that MiL also decided we probably know what we're doing second time round and stopped interfering. Second motherhood was just more enjoyable, and for me, it was worth it for that reason alone.

I won't lie, the first two years were tough. Looking after a baby and a toddler is exhausting. But as the baby grows into toddlerhood and the two kids start interacting with each other, that's why you start seeing the benefits of having two. Quite apart from absolutely ace and hilarious conversations, they play together and entertain each other so you don't need to provide fun and mental stimulation to your child all the time. And the second child learns so much from the first! My second basically potty trained herself because she wanted to be like her sister, started talking earlier etc etc. It's brilliant.

As for cost, you have the all the clothes and toys already. I went to work part-time after taking a year's maternity leave and we could afford a nanny to come over on the days I was working, who charged us only slightly more for loooking after two kids that she would have looking after one - basically charging per hour not per each kid.

Worked for us beautifully. They are now 15 and 12, great friends who continue to have ace conversations.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

Same rachelvbwho. Can’t believe all these saying it wasn’t that much more work when a second child arrived. Two was way more than double the work for me. It’s only just now that they’re 8 and 6 that I find I’m able to put my feet up a bit more.

[rachelvbwho]

I have 3 years between my too and it was SOOOOOOO much harder than I expected or everyone led me to believe! I wouldn't change them for the work but wish I had been more prepared for the exhaustion.

The biggest challenge for me though was the guilt! I felt guilty that my eldest was not getting the attention she used too and also guilt for the new baby not getting the same level of 1:1 that her sister got!

It is getting easier the older they get and it is so lovely to see their bond and friendship grow.... But MY GOD I was shocked at the difference between having 1 and having 2

[BlondeCornish]

Got two daughters with just over a two year age gap. Found having two hard to start with but seeing the bond they have makes every second worthwhile and it makes life so much easier now as they permanently have their best friend at their side.

[jamdonut]

None of my pregnancies were planned - my first child was 4 1/2 when his sister was born and just when I was getting used to getting out of the house without too much palaver, number 3 appeared, 3 1/2 years later ! In the end, I think the bigger gaps made it easier, ( I never thought I would have/want more than that!) but it prolongs being a school mum, and getting back to ‘normality’. But I don’t regret it for one minute, even though money was tight and It put my working life ( I’ve never had a ‘career’) on hold.

[Pinkfluff76]

Definitely have two! Mine are nearly 3 years apart and it’s a great age gap as the first one got time with both parents, but they’re old enough to talk and understand properly and can help with baby - bring you a nappy etc, not napping and possibly potty trained. You won’t regret it. Mine are 5 and 8 now and they’ve always got company and I actually get a break. One kid will always want and expect you to play with them. Believe me I’ve got friends like that and it’s exhausting. Two is definitely not twice the work. Good luck OP!

[cherrybunx0]

I think we are going to just see what happens. so not necessarily obsessively trying like we did with our daughter who took a while. but just go with the flow and it will happen when it happens! no guarantees I suppose! it could happen really quickly or it could take well over a year so I suppose it's not something I can necessarily 'plan' anyway. and if it does happen quickly the responses on here have reassured me that even though it's hard it's not as horrendous as I built it up to be in my head

[HarryGa]

I have a 12 week old baby girl and a 2 1/2 year old boy.

It was a shock to the system at first, but once you get into a new rhythm it’s not much more work than just the one (my toddler is very well behaved but does have a nuclear tantrum every couple of days or so).

I’d say go for it. It’s totally worth it.

[threatmatrix]

I left seven years between mine so yes it was much easier, but I feel the age gap now is to much, maybe 3 years. My grandchildren live with me there is only 18mths between them and it is a bloody nightmare, but they are so close and I feel in a couple of years it will be easier and you will reap the rewards when they are older. But at the end of the day you must go with how you feel. All the best x