To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[donewithitalltodayandxmas]

I had 20 months between mine and chose that as I took some time out to be a sahm, so less time out workplace
I had easy babies though so made decision easier and knew I always wanted 2 at least.
We were like this with a third really were torn , in the end decided to stick to 2 and me get back to work.
Sometimes I regret not having 3 other times I think jt was def right decision.
Really its only a decision you can make .
My friend has just the one and they are happy with that decision, where as I am glad I had 2 .

[PlinkPlink]

2 is NOT double the work. Sweeping generalisation alert.

My first born is v active, like bouncing up the walls all day kind of active. He still doesn't sleep through the night. Utterly mad and I love him for it. He's 3.

We decided to wait until he was 2 to try for another.

DD is now 8 months.

Scientists say the ideal age gap is 27 months. That's the earliest... to make sure your body is all healed etc.

DD is a great sleeper. Barely makes a noise. Is about half the work that DS was when he was a baby. Easy baby.

Pros:

Literally double (and more) of the love

Still close in age

Know what I'm doing this time including all the tips and tricks for colic, upset tummies, nappy folding etc.

More chilled out 2nd time round. Embrace the madness.

Equally as tired. No more, no less.

Saved everything from 1st baby so less expense.

Breastfeeding was a breeze 2nd time round


Cons:

Sometimes they double team and it feels like a nightmare for about 10 minutes. But that's literally it.

If I had a baby just like DS I would be ripping my hair out.


We left a decent gap but not too small. Read Sarah Ockwell Smiths book on Second Time Parenting. Its really good and should help you to make some further judgements on your own individual situation.

[Bopping298]

I'd agree it isn't double the work but it is more stressful for sure. HOWEVER that is negated by the fact that (IMO) it's also way more fun.

It's not double the work as the times you are bathing / feeding / putting to sleep one child you will be doing so for the other. I don't think I have less free time because I have a second. But it's certainly more of a juggle.

I really enjoy having two because they interact, they have fun together. IMO it's more sad and lonely for a child to be on its own, without a sibling. But that's the personal opinion of someone who has siblings.

I would say financially it's more of a stretch too.

[Homemadearmy]

I have nearly 2 years between dd1 & ds1. Yes there were times when it was hard and I don't regret it.

But they have never been close, they didn't really fight, just had nothing in common. So they never played together. They are adults really and barely keep in touch with each other

[Bluetrews25]

We waited for DS2 until DS1 was out of nappies. Did not want to be doing 2 at once. That gave us a 3 year age gap. Meant that DS1 was old enough and wise enough not to deliberately hurt DS2 when at that newborn delicate stage.
Only one lot of childcare costs at a time.
You will be more experienced with feeding, weaning, potty training, sleep training etc for DC2. And they will play together.


OP, you know how much you love DD? Well, that is exactly how much you would love DC2. It just grows. And it's another two little arms snuggling up to you.....

[Homemadearmy]

Posted a bit soon.what I was trying to say is there are pros and cons. Some children love bring a only child, Others don't. Ultimately you need to decide what you want

[SmednotaSmoo]

Two is harder but not twice the work and as they get older it gets easier: there is entertainment and companionship not provided by parents which is a huge help.

I also (though I suffered with PND ish type stuff) found some of the mentally challenging stuff easier second time round (chiefly that I really knew the truth of “this too will pass”).

I absolutely understand that some people only want one; but done let “work” being the factor putting you off having two...

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

Hi OP

I have two with a 2.5 year age gap. The first couple of years after the second I kept thinking 'this would be so much easier with one!' But I havent thought that in a while. They change so quickly even if you got pregnant today, your daughter would likely be toilet trained and sleeping and talking in full sentences and a lot more independent when you did have a second.

The guilt at first was horrible and I did feel like I didnt meet either of their needs the first 6 months or so (my second was a terrible terrible sleeper and we sleep trained at 7 months). I ended up putting my eldest in nursery, but she would have been in if I hadn't had her sibling anyway. After 7 months she just went in the 3 free days. I found it double the work in the first year as they want to do different things, eat different things, play with different things etc. I definitely wasnt one of those people who's second baby just slotted into family life, it felt like our whole family life was disrupted to accommodate the little person.

But to be honest in the pandemic it's been a godsend for them to have company for each other. I know that's not a reason to have a child but there are other occasions it will be good for them to have company. They play together much more than I thought they would considering they are not that close in age, the youngest copies literally everything the eldest does and it's nice to see them snuggling on the sofa together watching tv or giggling away at something.

Now she is older she is hilarious she makes me laugh every single day, she is so determined and cheeky I wouldnt be without her. My husband who was a bit less keen on a second also doesn't regret having her (I dont think).

I would say compared to having one, everything is just more amplified. The good times are better because children playing together is much nicer than adults playing with them, and family times feel special. The bad times when they are both not sleeping or they are both ill at the same time or something, are worse then when we had one. The logistics are harder as well.

[WhySoSensitive]

@redheadwitch

I had two babies in just over a year (fell pregnant with a 3 month old). It was fine. It really was. You forget what having one was like and you just get used to your new way of life.

I'm glad I got all the baby stage over and done with in one go. Nappies, bottles, prams, sleepless nights were all done and dusted within a few years and life plods on.

What I couldn't do is:
have all the hard "baby" part for years
get through it and finally sleep.
Start fresh again with a new baby.

Personally I think that sounds much harder.

This!
Expecting number two. Will have two under two - appreciating that all my baby years are going to be clumped together.

That’s not to say I wasn’t scared when I found out, even have little panics now as it gets closer!

[LarryUnderwood]

Yes, worth it. Also yes, much much harder. There's no right or wrong answer though. If your daughter is an only she won't be deprived, she'll just have a different upbringing and family life. It won't be better or worse. And same for if she has siblings.

[chocorabbit]

Most people I know have just 2 children with a 2-3 year difference. It is easier when in a few years they will occupy one another and you won't have one screaming to give him attention.

[DowntonCrabby]

Absolutely worth it and not harder for me but we intentionally had quite a big age gap.

[DWPmisery1972]

I had two in a year and it has its pros and cons

Cons:

The first year I don’t remember much

Double the work/money/effort etc

They argue like dogs and butt heads because they’re so close in age

Pros:

They entertain each other and play together a lot which is really nice and means I can get on

Got over bottles/nappies/up in the night stuff quickly

The younger one learns from the older one

They are so... CUTE together (when they are not doing power rangers moves on each other )

They have a best pal- each other!

I was one of two and I liked it when I was little but there is nothing wrong with having just one either. You do what is right for your family op

[m0jit0]

I have 2, 2.4yrs apart. It was so hard to start with but soon fell into a routine (lockdown helped as Dh went from working 5 days a week out of the house to being at home full time for 3 months). Now the youngest is 14m and oldest is 3.5 and it's so joyous to watch them play together and chase each other around the garden.

[Woodlandbelle]

Just my view and I was only having mine at 34 and 35. I loved it. Yes it wasn't easy but it wasn't double the work. Main thing was sleep and childcare costs. But I felt I got the tough years out of the way very quickly when I look back now. They are absoultely lovely kids. Have so much fun together. Totally stick up for each other. It's no extra work at all now (both in early primary). 100 percent I love it. We got abroad a good bit too pre covid.

But you are younger. You have time. I had a six week old by the time eldest was 15 months. But you would be well in the toddler stage so that might be harder than two babies. I would probably wait for now if I was your age and undecided. Don't worry about pressure from others. Also my dh was great at waking at night with both. I didn't breastfeed more than three weeks. If you breastfeed I know thats so much more work for you.

[PumpkinPie2016]

I was a couple of years older than you when I had DS (27) but my husband is quite a lot older than me (although he has no other children).

My son was a difficult baby to be honest. Barely slept until 18 months and easily bored. I had a c-section and spent the first year just feeling like I'd been hot by a bus! I couldn't have faced another.

We thought about it when he was around 2/3 but I still didn't want to (DH didn't mind either way).

He's 7 now and an only child. I did consider another last year but various things got in the way and I can honestly say, I'm pleased we didn't. DS is at a great age, eats well, sleeps well, settled in school, holidays/meals out are no longer an ordeal. I couldn't face the baby stage again.

So, if you want 2, I'd say do it when your daughter is still young (say 2/3). You might want more when she's older but you may feel like me -life got too easy!

[VestaTilley]

We’re having the same debate, OP. Our DS is nearly 2. He’s slept well since we sleep trained (recommend it) but he was a terrible sleeper before that.

I was left with PND after a bad birth, difficult pregnancy, breastfeeding failure, long hospital stay, refusal to wean and generally a really hard first 6 months. We have no family support nearby.

We’re mid 30s, so it’s a bit now or never, but we can’t afford another until we’ve bought a house (not imminent), so realistically we’re looking at a 3.5+ year age gap, and only one more if we even can/do do it again.

We found having a newborn really hard and a like a wrecking ball in our marriage. We are very fortunate and our DS is healthy and NT; my big worry is having a baby who might have disabilities or other health issues - I don’t think my marriage would bear the strain.

Maybe we’re better off sticking with one, and not risking rocking the boat. It’s so hard as you don’t get to see both eventualities and pick your preferred option!

As you’re so young I’d leave it a year or two anyway, your baby would still only be a toddler and hopefully sleeping better by then. But it is fine to just have one if that’s best for you.

[InvincibleInvisibility]

My non sleeping intensely demanding (and later diagnosed with adhd) DS1 was easier once his brother was born (DS1 was 2.7).

They play together all the time. DS1 helps DS2 with things like learning to read, how to hold a fountain pen etc.

Emotionally it diluted DS1 and made him learn that others have needs (he trampled over mine for years). Ds2 has learnt so much from DS1 I can't even list it.

Yes they squabble and fight but they also give each other hugs and kisses when they're sad or have woken up with a nightmare.

[hatedbytheDailyMail]

2 = double the work/time/money. It’s simple maths

It isn't though, at all. Not even slightly. You have one, you buy pram, cot, toys, clothes, books, sling, bottles, highchairs whatever etc. You have the second one and you have all of that. If you have the second after the first has free nursery or is in school, its only one set of FT childcare.
Neither is it often double the work or time, because you are doing things with or for both of them at the same time, that you would be doing anyway with one of them. Also the second is often easier as its not all new to you, you have more of a clue than the first time around.

I have 5, and can categorically say its not 5 times more expensive or 5 times more work or 5 times more time or effort.

[YoniAndGuy]

For me a million times yes.

Our lives have always been so so so much easier, post baby stage, than friends with a singleton.

They play together. They have a companion. There's a balance. You don't end up having to revolve your life around entertaining them because they're on their own.

Many folk will say it's worked differently for them, fine. Our experience - I can't imagine us having had so much time to ourselves, mentally and physically, if we'd only had our eldest. Maybe we're lucky in that they've all generally got on ok and happily played together/watched dvds etc. They also fight of course!

But overall - no question. I'm so glad we had more than one.

[YoniAndGuy]

Oh and the costs for stuff are no different at all really.

The costs in mat leave/childcare is a big factor, but again depends on how close they are too.

[chipsandgin]

Yes it’s worth it and yes it is harder! I’ve got a 6 year age gap & have no regrets, I had a traumatic birth with DS1 and found the early years a challenge with him, despite him being actually a very easy, happy baby and toddler (athough also not a great sleeper & extended bf - it’s exhausting OP, you shouldn’t be feeling any pressure and have plenty of time to decide!).

I had a very work hard, play hard lifestyle before I had him so it was a culture shock & my issues were to do with me adapting to parenting rather than him, that and the sleep deprivation! I hadn’t intended to have more and was happy with one, I’ve also got friends & family where various circumstances meant just having one was they way it turned out & they’re perfectly happy. So don’t let any of the opinions on here cause offence or come across as judgement, I’m expressing my personal experience/opinion below..

Having settled into the idea of one, DS2 was a late ‘surprise’ & I couldn’t imagine life without him - the extra love, joy & balance he brought into our lives was and is immeasurable (with double the guilt, worry, fear & sacrifice of course!).

Personally, on balance, I think having just one (& obviously this isn’t true of everyone, just my opinion having ended up with two & having lots of friends with one, two or more) puts a lot of pressure on an ‘only’ - both as a child where the world revolves around them and as an adult without siblings as life goes on. If you have a lot of close friends & family with similar age kids that can be less of an issue though, plus I know some people end up with poor relationships with siblings so it’s not a guarantee that it makes life better for them I guess.

What I’ve noticed though with some of my DCs friends who are only children that they expect to have things go their way, presumably as they’ve always had 100% of the attention & time at home & always chosen the game/food/where they want to go today or whatever without having to compromise as much as they would if there was a sibling/s involved. That can spill over into adulthood too IMO with some adult ‘only children’ struggling with not being the centre of attention, whether in relationships or in the workplace.

Also, as a middle aged one of five siblings (in a blended family) the support and love and sense of being ‘in this together’, especially when it comes to our parents as they have got older (& and especially over the last year with the extra worry and all of us supporting our parents) has been amazing.

I’m sure there are lots of brilliant, emotionally intelligent and empathetic only children around, I just found that taking the spotlight off the first felt like a positive thing for us & as an adult with siblings I feel lucky to have them.

[MrsKoala]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Two is literally double the work and if you are working it's also double the childcare. This is why I had only one, I could not have afforded an extra child.

I disagree with this. 2 is not double the work, it’s the work squared . If you have one and you need to go out you put one shoes,coat, hat, gloves etc on one child. If it was double then you’d just do it twice. But you are forgetting about the interaction with each other. So they may start pulling each other’s hats off and throwing them up the hall (behind the radiator usually), or start crying because one also wants a blue car hat like the sibling or because they don’t want a blue car hat like their sibling. One needs a wee nod by the time you’ve got back the other has taken their coat and shoes off and is getting the paints out. If it was just double you’d just do 2 trips to the loo.

I could cope with doing everything twice, it’s the interaction which makes even more work.

I have 3 btw and that’s the work cubed. Not tripled.

[NotJosieGrosieAnymore]

In your situation I would wait a little longer and have a bigger age gap, aiming for number two to be born when number one is around three and hopefully in nursery or at least out of nappies! No point making it any harder than it has to be and you’re in no rush.

Take your time and enjoy number one baby exclusively while you can. Obviously only you know what’s right for your family but what would be the advantages of doing it any sooner?

[JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson]

What's the rush? You're only 25. Small age gaps work for many people but they aren't practical for everyone and they are certainly no guarantee that your children will be close.