To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

[CityDweller]

Yes (we have two) and despite all the challenges that come with it, I'm very grateful we did. Especially now - as they have each other to play with while they are in lockdown.
I also refer you to the thread on hating pretend play. I thank God they have each other to play their elaborate make believe games with, so I don't have to!

[crimsonlake]

I had 2 within 18 months and what I seem to remember most is the amount of nappy changes a day.
We had them close together as we wanted them to be close and be each others playmates which they certainly were until they grew much older.
I became a sahm after the second and really cannot recall being sleep deprived, although neither of them slept through the night until they were in school. I did co - sleep when they were very small so that will explain that one.

[optimistic40]

For me, two = much harder, but there was a 6 year gap and life had been really easy. My second child was also fussier. Getting better now as he approaches age 4.

Other people who had a difficult first said it was really easy having a second who was more chilled. So I guess it depends

[stayathomer]

I have 4 and I remember 2 being the biggest shock to the system but I think you need to stop thinking of the will it be harder thing, I think you just need to ask yourself are yiu ready/do you want to welcome another little person into your clan. I think deep down people know and then if they're lucky enough to be able to make it happen so be it. Best of luck

[LST]

My 2nd was and still is 1000 times harder than my 1st. He is still worth it though

[agreyersky]

I personally am utterly delighted that I had two. I was really torn as well about whether to have another. Had actually decided to stop trying for two, was pleased with my decision, then found out I was pregnant and actually got very close to having an abortion. Sat at the clinic with the tablet in front of me to take.
But I am really, really glad I have two. They fight, yes, but they adore each other. They love playing together,, hug when they meet after school and miss each other when one is away. They are 4 and 7. I find it so much easier as they entertain each other all the time. And I know that they will always have each other.
When I was deciding to have another or not, I read a lot of posts from people who had been only children and said it was great as they had cousins or kids in their street to play with all the time, but honestly, I have not found it to be like that. Some people may be lucky to still live somewhere where kids take off by themselves to play, but I have found its largely formal play dates nowadays which are infrequent. So I love that they always have each to play with and when we go out on trips they love playing together. It really frees up my time and takes the pressure off me to be a play mate for them (if you are someone who is pressed for time you really don't want to spend you evenings and weekends finding time to play with a young child - and their games are quickly pretty dull for an adult).

So I really, really am delighted I had two, It has worked out really well, and I am so happy that they will always have each other, and that really resonates with me now both my parents are dead. And really, seeing them when they are cuddling or comforting each other or playing together really does warm your heart.

Not saying what you should do, just what my experience has been.

[Tianatiers]

Having two is so much easier when they’re both past the baby and toddler stage. I’ve been so so so thankful they’ve had each other over this past year, but let’s hope this isn’t a situation we’ll be faced with again! I’m not going to sugar coat it though, I had mine 2 years apart and it was pretty tough going up until the youngest hit 3/4yo, basically the stage where you don’t need to watch them all the time. I thought my first was a terrible sleeper, until I had my second! But I got through it (thanks to learning how to breastfeed my second lying down and giving in to co sleeping) all in all though I am so glad we went for a second, I felt like you and it was a tough decision but we definitely made the right one for us.

[Gin4thewin4]

I always was told "one is one and two is twenty".

[mumwon]

@Hellvelyn
so what's three? Wildlife Park!
Seriously op dc are hard work at times & I had gaps of two & three quarters & than 4 years, 2 of my dc had childhood health conditions which seriously affected their sleep so sleep was something I learned how to ration - but I am so glad I had them regardless of the complications. My dc are mature adults & we have a great - socially distanced at the moment - close family -
You have time op 2 to 3 year gap is fine & than older one will be sleeping & also you should get funding & they will love their little sibling

[MrsKoala]

Making lunch for two takes about 5% more time than making it for one

Definitely wouldn't say 2 is double the work i.e. you are cooking dinner for 1 DC anyway, so making slightly bigger portions/getting another plate out of the cupboard is not double the work.

That depends if they all eat the same things tho. None of mine do so every day I make 4 different dinners and lunches and breakfasts, often different times too.

You can’t really give definitive answers to this question. It depends what kind of kids you get. 4 brilliant sleepers and eaters are going to be way less work than 2 non sleeping, non eating, non self contained kids. So someone with the former could say having 4 kids is really easy and someone with the latter would say having 2 is a nightmare.

If you plan to have them based on the idea that you will get easy kids then you may be very shocked - as I was. I was planning on 4 easy ones and I got 3 horrors. The idea of the 4th went straight in the bin after the 3rd. My friend has 7 though and they are angels. Way easier put together than my first on his own!

[Freezeboy]

And there is me having the same question about going to 3 children (currently have 2). Maybe i have lost my mind!

I didn’t find the jump too bad to 2, second child was a lot easier than first so guess it depends how bad your first child is. First didn’t sleep and second was slightly better. Slightly more washing and cleaning but it wasn’t as much as a shock as having the first for sure

[ImAGummyBear]

There is no right or wrong answer OP as you can see from all the different range of answers you have received. It all comes down to you and your circumstances.
I had my first one unplanned and things were not exactly 'ready' -if they ever are!- for a baby but with childcare help, I went back to work after 5months etc we managed. So then there was a 7year gap to our second. For me even though it was starting all over again, everything had to be purchased new; I did get to spend one on one with my first for what seemed like his whole childhood. Lots of holidays and occasions with him only. And by the time DC2 arrived DC1 was in school and old enough to do stuff on his own which gave me a lovely time with DC2. I remember many different playgroups and activities just the two of us.
But then DC3 arrived 3 years later and it did actually feel like I've suddenly got 6 instead of 3! I found this bit hard tbh
But now that the youngest is in school, DC3 has a nice bond with DC2, they do stuff together, its great watching them play and its been a blessing this lockdown - together with the bickering and fights! DC1 being much older has a great older sibling bond especially with DC3
I have seen people have children close together and though its hard when they're little but it gets easier with time. And also where people leave big gaps and it also turns out fine. Not everything will be perfect, they both have pros and cons just think about whats best for you and go with your heart not your head. Its too much to think about just go with what feels right for you and your family

[nicknamehelp]

So it was harder and 2nd one didn't sleep (1st one did) and has health issues but I don't regret for 1 second having 2. Its been hard but totally worth it. You can't predict what u will get sleep/health wise but sometimes you need to take a risk

[nancywhitehead]

I don't know the answer to this because everyone is so different really. But what I would like to say is just about the guilt of not providing a sibling for your child.

Siblings can be a wonderful gift, but they can equally be very difficult. They may or may not get on or like each other, they may be close or they may not. Some siblings absolutely hate each other or live in different countries and never have any contact. Some would say they would rather have been an only child, and there are benefits to being an only child, too. You may have a second child with special needs and the first child may feel sidelined and have to look after them when they are older. You just don't know.

So I suppose what I'm saying is, don't base your decision on the potential future feelings of your first child about having/ not having a sibling. There really is no way of knowing how it might turn out for them and whether it will be good or not!

Just look at yourself, what you want, your situation, and whether you have the resources and time to bring another child into the world.

[TransientFrog]

Yes and yes.
It's incredibly hard but it's worth it to me as they're so different.

No more than two though. That would be foolhardy 😁

[nancywhitehead]

[quote cherrybunx0]@m0therofdragons oh goodness, this is something my partner actually jokes about as twins run in my family! My grandad is a twin, and they have ANOTHER set of twin brothers too. So my great gran has two sets of twins.

I guess that's another thing to think about, you never know if it's multiples! atm and after reading this thread I'm thinking of not preventing but not trying if you see what I mean. If it happens it happens I suppose! Everything for a reason and all that.[/quote]
I love it when people say they're not trying but not preventing... cos basically that means you're trying, right?

I mean, if you're both fertile and healthy and young and don't use contraception, you will get pregnant.

[Hugoslavia]

My first was really hard work and I had terrible nausea during my pregnancy. I knew that I couldn't handle him as well as being pregnant when he was younger, so I waited until he was at nursery school before I conceived my second. She came along just as he started school. It couldn't have worked out better. And despite an almost five year age gap, they adore each other and play constantly (although they also do bicker a lot too). 18 MTHS is still young. I would hold off. You may well feel very differently in another 18mths/2 years.

[Kotatsu]

My first was a non-sleeper, but very easy going otherwise. My second (3 years later - a good gap as one is at playschool while the other is a baby, but close enough to play together when a bit older), was a good sleeper, but generally more of an awkward child.

Having two of them really does take the heat off me play-wise once they're older. When younger there's more refereeing, but mine are 7 and 10 now, and for a lot of the day they amuse themselves or play together, compared to if I have one of them alone, when it's continous intense conversation.

[Bilgepumper]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Two is literally double the work and if you are working it's also double the childcare. This is why I had only one, I could not have afforded an extra child.

I had three under five and I loved it. I found very much that once we had one child in the house, we were so geared up to it, two more made little difference.

Only ones have a lonely life. I would never inflict that on a child, unless it was unavoidable.

[pinkyboots1]

I have a five year difference between my two, the oldest has Autism and ADHD so has never slept more than 3 hour consecutively BUT even with all is issues having another was always on the books for me and it to be honest she just sort of 'slid' into family life and there was no big change.. I was up and down during the night anyway and our life runs to a big routine daily

[Strokethefurrywall]

I fell pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 19 months (2.5 years btwn them) and I found the early years brutal, just because whilst they were easy babies individually, DS1 was such an active and time consuming toddler that I was nearly broken with him.
I had originally wanted to wait 3 years btwn siblings and if I'd had my time again I would have waited 4 years so I wouldn't have had to attempt toilet training etc at the same time as having a small baby.
Money wasn't a concern for us either so if it is for you it's an even more important decision to thoroughly weigh up the pros and cons.

I think just go with the wait and see approach. You don't have to decide anything in stone now but if you're on the fence about when or how many, just leave the door open until you get through these early demanding years, and once you all find your feet you'll be able to think a little more clearly.

[CookPassBabtridge]

Yes harder but SO worth it, they are so different and entertain each other so much.

[AdHominemNonSequitur]

I planned to wait until my first started school (for financial reasons) but got pregnant accidentally (coil migrated through uterus wall) so we have a 19 month age gap. As others have said, its harder with 2 but not double, and I think after babyhood they amuse each other which can (in some circumstances) make it actively easier. We had a short spell where I was basically working to pay childcare and that sucked, but you get by, and I am glad it worked out the way it did in retrospect. It got much better financially when they both started school. We had a highly strung first born (DD) and an easy ride with second (DS), so that might have helped. Smaller age gap = less total time in nappies/ paying for really expensive childcare and you do get a slight nursery discount for siblings.

[xHeartinacagex]

For me having a second wasn't too much harder. I got the non sleeper first time round though so that made a big difference!

What I struggled with was having morning sickness, being heavily pregnant and still having to carry a toddler around. So much easier once the baby was actually born.

[Twoobles]

@redheadwitch

I had two babies in just over a year (fell pregnant with a 3 month old). It was fine. It really was. You forget what having one was like and you just get used to your new way of life.

I'm glad I got all the baby stage over and done with in one go. Nappies, bottles, prams, sleepless nights were all done and dusted within a few years and life plods on.

What I couldn't do is:
have all the hard "baby" part for years
get through it and finally sleep.
Start fresh again with a new baby.

Personally I think that sounds much harder.

Agree with this. I did similar and it’s not as tough as you think. I had my second when my first turned 16m. I’m glad to be getting it all out of the way now. I couldn’t go back after the baby years end. No way.