To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

Really interesting thread. As a mum who is in the throes of the baby + toddler stage (ds1 is 2.5 and ds2 is 6 months) I’d say it’s been pretty hard. First 4 months easier than expected - Ds2 napped through ds1s playing / shouting / crashing about. But since the 4 month sleep regression it’s been tough! Biggest problem is not being able to put ds2 down for a nap upstairs as not able to leave ds1 downstairs alone. Also with DS2 in a sling most of the day I can’t comfort ds2 through his tantrums easily. Ds2 is very jealous of ds1 which is really hard, he’s far more upset when ds2 is awake and I basically either feel like ds1 gets a very boring day or ds2 gets a very sleep deprived one! Also have the paying double childcare thing when I go back full time after mat leave. Very sure I couldn’t handle more. (And pretty sure my marriage couldn’t handle it either!). But obviously people handle it better - I’m just in a bad phase and hoping it gets easier. Love them both like crazy but it is tough.

I have 2 kids 22 months apart and my god it was hard for what seemed like forever and I felt like the terrible twos lasted four years and I was constantly potty training but omg it's so worth it now they are 4 and 6 and they are so close and good friends and they entertain each other (bonus)
It's hard but parenting is hard you just find your way even though you are exhausted

Having 2 IS harder.
Stopping at 1 seems logical.
What can additional children give the first one didn't?
I am pregnant with number 3 🤷🏼‍♀️

No logic!!! Do what’s right for YOU OP.

I have a 3 yr old DD and another on the way, so will be a 3.5 yr age gap which we’re really happy with. I guess everyone’s chosen family size is totally individual to them and what suits some doesn’t suit others as there’s so much variation in parent ages, financial/ work situations, preferences and ideas of preferred family size ( often influenced by no. of siblings they grew up) etc. Go with what’s right for you and you have age on your side, so don’t worry about making a ‘final’ decision now, just go with the flow and you’ll know whether or not it’s right for you to have another. One thing that did influence me was seeing my MiL ( now 70) struggle when her parents got sick (sadly both have now died), she was an only child and whilst enjoyed her independence she was alone especially with her mother who developed dementia without any siblings to talk to or share the responsibilities (we’re several hours drive away so only able to help a bit). I think it was a lot for her to cope with on her own, but then having a partner/ spouse would make a huge difference I think ( my MiL is widowed)

The early years can be tough there is no doubt about it. I wouldn't be without my two lovely little girls for anything though. Mine are 5 and nearly 3. My 5 year old was also a really bad sleeper (in fact she still doesn't seem to need much sleep (takes after her Dad)). Things generally definitely gradually gets easier. My two play a lot together which is lovely. I think as they get older and the age gap less and less significant I can imagine this will only increase. I definitely think in some ways in the long term an only child can be more work. They need you to fill the role of both parent and sibling. You will need to play with your child much more as they have nobody else at home to play with. It is also the longest relationship most of us will have in our lives that with our siblings. I am so glad my 2 have each other.

Although I always wanted two children I had a welcome surprise when I fell pregnant with my second when my son was only three mo the old. The first four months or so was hard there is. O denying it but then it got easier. I am so glad it happened that way rather than a bigger gap. That to me seems harder.
Reading your comments op you sound to me like you would regret not having a second child.

I have 2 and have found it unbelievably hard. Saying that, as they get older and things get easier, I’m so glad they have each other. I think will always have each other to rely on and go through the same experiences such as parental death or
Illness.

@cherrybunx0 As a mother of two sons, yes it is harder but only temporarily. It does get easier. They are 3 years and 8 months apart. There are always pros and cons. I can say from my experience it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done. I do regret having to work with them and worry I have missed out on them growing up. I think you need to have a proper think of what you really want and your husband needs to be more open and supportive and actually talk to you about it. Everyone is going to have advice etc, but this affects you and your hubby, and no one else :) x

I have a 21 month gap between mine and to be honest, it was hard at times but so so worth it. They have great fun together. They’re 10 & 8 now so was quite a while ago😂

2year 4 month gap between mine and it was harder with baby 2 but after the first year (which is always hard work) I have 2 wee boys that love each other and entertain each other. They are 8 and 10 and honestly I hardly know I have them to the point I feel left out!!
Even when they bicker they know they are the only people in each other’s lives that know everything about the other.
They are completely different one slept the other didn’t, one argues the other doesn’t, one is self assured the other isn’t......the list goes on.
It is more work but it doesn’t last forever and sometimes I miss the middle of the night cuddles and constant need for help.
Make the choice that you are happy with, all the best x

Mine are older teenagers now. In retrospect I'd have only had one!

These people are completely unsuitable advice-givers for somebody who has experiences YEARS of broken/shit/no sleep due to a non-sleeping child.

That's probably true!

DD literally did not sleep through without waking us until she was 5 and at school. She used to wake us to help her go to the loo as a toddler, it was only when that stopped that I got a full night's sleep. A good friend was the same. Her DD wouldn't fall asleep without holding her mum's hair. The two of us would be in the corner like zombies at baby groups.

I have a 8hr old girl, and I worship her but tried for years to have another. Long story short, after 3 lost pregnancies, I can’t have any more. She asks for a sibling sometimes but most of the time I think she’s very happy for it to be just her. I’m a childminder so she’s gets the benefit of having other kids around and then they go home. Although I feel sad sometimes that I couldn’t have more babies, I’m actually so glad it’s just the 3 of us (DH too). During lockdown she’s coped so well and is so resilient. I hate the term “only child” as it’s usually used negatively as I think there are so many positives to having just the one child.

Yes it was much harder than I had anticipated. And the older they get the way in which it's hard just changes. They are 3 and 6 now and fight like cat and dog. And I feel like I can't give them both my time. On their own they are fine but together is something else.

@overtherubicon, just like me. Yes it was hard at times but I loved it. They’re now 18, 16 and 13 and as much as I love who they have become I’d go back 12 years or like a shot.
That said it’s a personal thing and we are all different so do what makes you happy. People are very good at telling others how to live their lives.
Enjoy your toddler she’ll be 18 in a blink of the eye.

I only had one child as a second never came along. It has been a great source of sadness for me as I would love my dd to have a sibling. She often asks what it would be like to have a brother or a sister and especially in this lockdown, has said how lonely she is. I have to be the person she plays with when her friends aren't around, which I love, but know it would be better if another child was being silly with her. Definitely have a second if you can!

If you're not readyf or another then maybe wait until you are. If you're never ready then that's fine, if you're ready in 2,3 4 years, then that's fine too.
I;m one of 5 children, I have only 1 DS who is now 17. I would have loved another but it just didn't happen and as much as I would have loved to give my DS a sibling I know that he's had everything i could give him, all my love, all my attention without having to share me so I no longer guilt trip myself that he's an only child.
I'm past wanting another now and if I ever got broody I could factime my friends and see their babies tantrums and be glad I'm past that lol

Why do you need to think about this fairly quickly? You are both young and have plenty of time. Our eldest was a poor sleeper. She was 6 when our middle child was born. 2.2 years after we had our unexpected surprise youngest. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Unless you really can’t afford it I’d have at least 2...

I have 3 (now 8, 6 and 4) and it's brilliant! Newborn , 2 and 4 was a busy time but I watch them all playing outside - sometimes in 2s, other times in 3s and I'm so grateful I've given them siblings close in age. They aren't interested in widely different things and are at broadly the same stage of life! (It's not double the work but you are more stretched) So glad we had them close now- I have 3 siblings who I'm still very close so definitely swayed my thoughts on it and I wanted to give my kids a chance at that. Ps: my 3rd was a dream baby and sleeper and just fitted in -we like to call him our dessert! Also I maybe wouldn't have signed up to 3 if I knew I was going to have to home school them all- that's probably been the most challenging bit so far - thankfully not much longer!!

because my periods have returned, and it was a case of do we see what happens now, knowing as it did with out daughter it could take a while or do we use protection and try further down the line or do we stick with one. before my periods returned and because my daughter was such a bad sleeper our sex life was fairly non existent so no real worries there lol but now my periods have returned I'm aware that I need to decide whether to go back on the pill or to see what happens

I have a 3 year gap and my first child was a dreadful sleeper and 2nd child literally sleeps like a baby

3 years is good because of the 30 hours funding and the older child wants to help Mummy with the baby and is interested

Also I love watching them interact with each other it's so lovely

Don't rush into making a decision if you aren't 100% sure tho you are young and have time on your side

It totally depends on your reasons. If you want another simply because you want two children, that's fine but if it's specifically to give your child a sibling, be prepared for the fact that it might not go to plan.

My mum told me she had my brother because she felt guilty that I might be lonely. We did nothing but fight our entire childhoods! We certainly didn't play together or keep each other entertained; my mum spent more time acting as a referee. I moved out when he was a teenager and we're not close as adults. We have absolutely nothing in common - even our looks and colouring are polar opposites

However, he's six years younger than me so perhaps it would have been different if we were closer in age.

3 yrs between mine and it has worked really well. Eldest started state nursery when newborn was 5 months, lovely time to bond but ready to interact with other kids.
Yes sleep was limited but my goodness worth it.
They are a solid team. I’m an only child and holidays were tough. Otherwise I was a happy kid but so glad I had two.

In some ways it's harder, of course. But in other ways it's easier, as they entertain each other! Most importantly for me, though, is that they get to enjoy a sibling relationship, which is something valuable.

I felt similarly and didn't try to conceive until my daughter was 2.5 as she didn't sleep great either (was still breastfeeding too). There's 3.5 years between them, personally I've found it a great age gap, more importantly I didn't start trying for a baby until I felt ready and that I really wanted a baby. There's no rush especially considering your age. And deciding to have one is a perfectly valid choice that I did strongly consider. Now I have two I'm very happy with the choice I made.