To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

We have one. We were both mid 20s when we had her too. She's 14 now. On balance I don't regret sticking at one but do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we had taken a different path. I think you need to try and think about whether you want another child or whether you want your child to have a sibling. I was the child that was born to give the other one a sibling and that came with some challenges for me. Whatever you decide, remember that there a lots of types of family and that having an only child is as real and complete as a family with no children or ten.

OP "...to give our daughter everything and more"?

I can't think of anything you could give her that would be comparable to giving her a sibling.

Hey OP,

Personally I would wait. You are young and have the time to give yourself a bit more of a gap - even if it's just another year.

It seems to me like if you went ahead now you would be doing it against your better judgement and even against your wishes tbh! But you may not feel that way in a a year or a few years' time - or you may still feel the same and therefore you'll know you've made the right choice.

Its the dynamics between my two that's the hard bit. my eldest resents me spending time with DD2 and the bickering and wingeing can be awful, although now they are 3&6 they will often play beautifully for an hour or more together. When i see their (only) cousin playing with mummy I do feel sad she won't get that special relationship with a sibling. For me despite the downsides having 2 was the right decision.

We had our first at 26, we then weren't sure for a long time and had number 2 six years later. It's been the best thing ever and I don't find it much more work. I remember when ds2 was about 6 weeks old I said to my husband "life doesn't feel any different than it did before we had him!"

I think it depends on so many factors & ultimately everyone is trying to justify their position. I agree with @Babyboomtastic that for me it seems that it would be the harder part of parenting that doubles. It depends so much on the personality of your child. My daughter really needs her own space so even though she will play with other children she is happy to come home & have some downtime. So I think she is more suited than some to being an only child.

Two were more work as toddlers, but less work as children/tweens. I had two horrible sleepers and I have to be honest, the second nearly killed me (literally - I was so tired I drove on the wrong side of a main road). However, they are now really good friends and occupy each other brilliantly.
Of course, your second could be a brilliant sleeper and your children could hate each other!

I’m disappointed to read so many people projecting loneliness on to only children though. Fair enough if you were an only child yourself & hated it. But otherwise how do you really know? Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee a playmate for life. Ultimately we are all alone & I know despite having a sibling I had periods of loneliness growing up. I read something on here once that I thought was spot on- why do so many people seem so worried about only children when there are children born in to poverty, abusive families etc. Why not worry about that rather than only children!

I've no idea whether I would like being on only child or not. It seemed quite glamorous to me when I was a child. I can only say:

1. My mum and one of my best friends were only children and they both hated it. "No playmates" my friend said. They found it lonely & isolating.

1. My siblings are among the very best things in my life. Endless laughter, loyalty, support & private jokes.

The other thing they both said is that if there's only one of you there's more pressure to fulfil parental expectations and also to entertain them.

My second is 5 months and I find it easy at the minute (maybe compared to the annoying 2 year old) but I'm guessing it will become hard when she moves around. Bracing myself

Bluekangaroo123 I was an only child for many years and hated it. My mother would tell people I was happy being an only child but I always felt like the weight of expectation was on me. That I was expected to do everything that my mother dreamed of. She would always tell people I could amuse myself. I could but it didn’t make me happy. I didn’t have a single person who I could confide in who would understand what our family was like.
My mother eventually did have a second but by that time I was too old to have anything in common with my sibling.
My vow was if I were to have a child I would have a second as soon as I could after.
My 2 are very close in age and are best friends. They work together, go out together and are a unit. They have the life I wanted

I have two age gap is 3.5 years in part due to extended breastfeeding until 2 and then a loss. So you can't always plan. I was scared about the sleep, but it's ok. I do get a feeling of not this again being honest, although they love each other and I wouldn't be without DC2. They are so similar so far.

For me I think 3 years age gap would of been perfect, so much more independent. But then a closer gap means they grow up more together. I'd just go for it, it's worth it.

I had a 2 year age gap with my eldest two and it was tough for a while until I found my rhythm but in some ways it was easier as I was so much more confident with the second baby. Boy boys terrible sleepers and didn’t sleep through until 1 year old. Just had 3rd so there’s a 4 year age gap. In some ways lots easier as boys are 5 and 7 so more independent but I am back in baby stage which has been bit of a shock and I do worry this baby won’t be as close to siblings as they are to each other! The older boys do fight but they are the bestest of friends and love each other so much. On balance personally I think around 2 years gap is the best. My sister and I are 2 years apart and are best friends. I can’t imagine life without her and would have never wanted just one child.

Two is fine, will seem harder at times but for the most part you’ll feel like dc2 was always there.

But I say this as a mum of 3 - it really is like living in a zoo at times so I’m probably remember 2 with rose tinted glasses

I found going from one to two with an 18 month gap relatively easy and by the time they were two and three they were great playmates and absorbed a lot of each other’s energy. Going from two to three was a different story!! But I’d absolutely recommend a second baby! And a third too (just harder work).

My pregnancy and labour were a piece of piss. However the first 3 months were horrendous and I suffered from PND.

This coupled with the cost of full time childcare £850-900 per month just meant we made the decision that one child was fairest decision

I had my second child when my first was just about to turn 3 so he got the nursery funding which really helped. My first never slept and was hard work but we coped, we got through and they fight like hell but they also have each other to chat and play with. Lockdown has really showed how important siblings are when it’s the only other child they see. When I do have just one it feels so easy but having two is lovely and if I was younger I would make it 3!!! I also went back to part time work (had no choice) after a few months and still managed. They do get easier as they grow and u get some sleep!!

I have 2 now aged 8 & 6 my 1st was a dream child perfect in every way then my second came and turned our lives upside down, I'd die for both of them but my god if I'd know how hard it was going to be I'd have only had 1. I've really struggled to come to terms with this over the years but I honestly do regret having a second whilst loving him to bits.

I was your age when I had my first DD and 22 months my DD2 arrived. DD1 was a terrible sleeper and crier but as soon as her DSis arrived she went through the night. Everyone said you don’t get two the same but DD2 was a terrible sleeper and crier too.

However it didn’t last forever and they are so close. They’re all grown up and my eldest is expecting her second. She’s hoping her DCs will have the same close relationship she has with her DSis.

I would not change a thing. Two DCs reasonably close together worked for me. Having them both in my mid-20s meant I could fit in a career change in my 30s.

No thank you !
I have two. My partner wanted one more.
What happens in the end is always, the mum give up her job because childcare is too expensive and lives a miserable, lonely and moneyless life, while dad keep going to work daily, having the chance to socialise and come back home to go to sleep.

Times are VERY different now a days.
Don’t think twice and be happy.

Sorry :(

Just go for it. Don't over analyse, if you want two have two. You might have a delightful one or a total horror. Either way it'll end after a few years and it'll be a distant memory!

I have 2 girls 10 and 8, 20 months in-between. I went back to work pregnant. I was scared/nervous the whole thing but they are ferociously close but also bicker tremendously...it was a slog at the Time but it doesn't last forever.

I have now just had a boy (11weeks old). Lockdown baby!

I was so anxious that he would be as "stressful" as the others but he is a delight and lockdown means has meant more hands around all the time.

I'm.even contemplating another one after this....shhh don't tell my husband!

Actually, the answer is on your “not very helpful” husband : it’s up to you

Think about it. That’s his clue !

I’m with @hamptonmummy I loved my second with every piece of me but good god he really is the opposite of the first. If I could tell anyone else that 1 is enough and perfect I would. It’s not twice the work, it’s 3x the work minimum.

I had two, three years apart. It isn’t double the work. The second one just had to fall in line with whatever was going on. I had a girl and a boy. They were very close growing up and are still best friends.