To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

Two is definitely not double the work. There are a lot of ways that having two is easier, especially once they are old enough to play together. You can't chuck one child out into the garden to play, but you can do that with two. And they might give you five minutes peace on holiday if they have each other to play with.

The second baby doesn't cause the same upheaval that the first one does, both in terms of the practicalities of life and in terms of your identity and relationship (and a third slots in even easier!)

I had a nightmare first baby - he did not sleep more than 45 minutes at a stretch (literally not one) for the first four months, cried whenever I wasn't holding him, would only sleep for maybe 2-3 hours at a stretch for another 5 months, and didn't sleep through the night until he was four and a half (years.)

BUT, babies two and three were little angels - slept lovely 8 hour stretches every night by two months old, 12 hours by three months. you get what you get. I hope if you go for another you too will have an easier time of it.

Now mine are all teenagers, and it makes me incredibly happy to see them walking along together in front of me, the littlest one tucked between his two older brothers, nattering away together. They certainly get less attention from their parents than an only child gets, which is not ideal, but they are a gift to each other.

I found that 2 wasn't double the work, it was about 1 and and half times. Mainly because I was so much more relaxed with my second, it was easier. Mine were very close together, I had no help from my ex and we split when they were very young so I brought them up alone. Very glad I had them close together, because they had each other to play with.

I have a 4 year and 10 month age gap. Wait til 18 months starts full time school

Honestly just wait. We have a 4 year Age gap and it'd perfect. Ds1 is 5 in 2 weeks, in full time school, was out of nappies and nursery fees when ds2 was born. Weve had holidays and weekends away with and without him and still lived our lives
You don't need to decide now

If you’re having to think about it so hard you’re probably not ready for another one just yet. Don’t be in such a rush you’re both still young and first child is exhausting. It generally is easier second time around cause you know what you’re doing. Best thing might be to wait a year hopefully by then your little one will be sleeping through and you’ll be recharged and ready for second baby, good luck however you decide

I found two ‘easier’. They love each other dearly and are absolute besties. I hated the sleepless nights of the early years. It’s all a haze looking back. They both sleep later than me now!!

2 aged 2 and 4 here. It’s hard but not twice as hard as 1 at all. Neither of mine sleep well even now. I work full time and I have time for hobbies, exercise etc. they play together brilliantly which has been a godsend through the pandemic. I don’t regret a second for a moment, in fact we are contemplating a third ;-)

I found number 2 much easier, your lifestyle has already changed dramatically so its not such a shock to the system plus you are experienced.
DD1 had really bad colic, barely slept, DS had slept so much better, they are completely different children.
Having two does mean they have to compromise a bit , wait their turn, share etc but thats not a bad thing and there will be times when they both want you for different things at the same time but they also can play together and keep each occupied, particularly if they are closer in age.
Having two is more expensive , particularly for childcare, clubs etc but you will have a lot of equipment and toys already and may be able to hand down clothing, and many places are geared to a family of 4 and family tickets are often same price as 2 adults one child.
If you can afford it go with your heart , whether thats a yes or no , and dont overthink it, depending on your age theres no need to rush either.

2 is AMAZING I love watching the relationship between them. But we have a 3.5 year age gap so its easy

OP, I am much, much the same as you except my son is two. He also doesn't sleep and it is a major, major factor in our decision not to have another one yet, if at all.

The choice is yours OP. You either buy into the received wisdom that having 'two close together' is a great idea as you 'get all the sleepless nights and nappies over and done with'. Or you don't.

I personally suspect a lot of people who talk about getting the sleepless nights over and done with didn't have many of them. Maybe a couple of wakes ups a night for up to six months, and then they had a sleeper. These people are completely unsuitable advice-givers for somebody who has experiences YEARS of broken/shit/no sleep due to a non-sleeping child.

I hear you OP. Throwing another pregnancy/baby/child into the mix would not be a mild inconvenience in our sleep deprived house, it would actually stop it from functioning and be deeply unpleasant. I suspect you feel similarly and it is an entirely valid reservation to have.

Follow your gut, not somebody else's twee idea of what a family should look like.

My big shock was getting 2 organised and ready!! Not into small age gaps. They teens now. 2 in creche was costly. Im temping now as they are older. My friends all have 3 kids

I had 2 but my sister only had one. Although in some ways initially it can seem double the work I think only children present different challenges as they get older. They have nobody to play with at home so my sister found she was the main focus. My two would play together at times and were a distraction for each other. I have always thought one looks harder than 2.

I had 2 under 2 and it was hard. But now they are 4 and 5 its amazing. I was glad to get all the sleepless nights out the way close together rather than start again. My first was terrible sleeper. Second so much better. Myself and husband both work full time so childcare was expensive, but only for a short time as we got the free hours when elsest was 3.
Best decision ever in our house as they're now best buddies xx

Life is definitely much easier with one. But as they get older they have a playmate which (particularly during home schooling when I also have to work) does make life easier because they are less demanding of your time and can play (and fight!) together.
Three would be a nightmare to me!

I had two close together. My first was a terrible sleeper, the second an amazing sleeper. Personally I couldn't have gone for a bit gap and then start with all the baby feeding etc again. I don't think having the second one was that hard and we both worked. I think it depends how much help your partner is also.

I don't think you need worry about it from the point of view of being an only child - I only had one, and he was very happy being the focus of my attention, and of course he had friends his own age to play with. Whereas I am one of a two child family, with a 5 year gap between myself and my brother, and we really hated each other growing up - it wasn't until he returned from a Uni gap year that we began to tentatively build a relationship.

There’s a year between my brother and I. Loved growing up with him. My parents said it was difficult though, especially the toddler stage.

I have 2 they’re 18 months apart and I wouldn’t change it for the world. My daughter is 2 and my son is almost 9 months and it is hard I won’t lie but so worth it. I wouldn’t say it’s double the work my DS just sort of slot in.

22 months between my boys

First 4 years are rough. They also fight like cat and dog and I never get a minutes peace but they are also absolutely best pals and have such a fantastic time together

They are 4/6 years old now and life is definitely easier and I'm glad it's all over and done with, I couldn't go back to baby stage

Close together pros are - good friends, over and done with quicker

Cons - tough going for first few years but then you start to get your life back

With two you need good and flexible childcare if you are going to work. Don't skimp on your health through lack of sleep. Ideally give up work for a few years until kids are at school.

I have 2 boys with a 3 year age gap, and it’s the best decision ever. It was hard work at first - the first couple of months, but it does get much easier. They entertain each other, and they improve each other’s lives. Could not imagine life with only one.

21 months between mine and honestly it’s the best thing ever. We had the same reservations as my daughter didn’t sleep when I got pregnant (she was 1) and 9 months later she was sleeping 10 hours a night. I look at them now and they really are the best of friends, plus we got all the sleepless nights done in one hit. Whatever happens I’m pretty sure you won’t regret it.

Honestly it’s hard! The mum guilt is real there are 6.5 years between my well behaved laid back boy and my crazy bonker daughter. We tried for a long time second time around and would have loved to have had them closer but didn’t work out that way. But honestly it’s so worth it. The relationship they have is so lovely to see and melts my heart!! I’m luck enough to be a stay a home mum so not an issue with childcare. They argue, there’s tears from them and sometimes me after a hard day especially during this lock down but it’s 100% worth it and I wouldn’t change it for the world. They’re now 9 and 3 and I’m so broody but the thought of starting again and even more mum guilt is making me think no 😅

The first couple of years of two is undoubtedly hard but when they get to preschool/primary age they are easier because they keep each other company. (I have three with 26 months and 21 months as the intervals). I used to get really irritated with, "only child" playdates as the little visitors all seemed so needy! Mine became very self reliant very quickly which suited me. Two was harder work for a while but adding in the third didn't seem to make any difference to be honest.

Mine are 15 months apart. We decided to go back for number two because first one was a nightmare and we thought if we put it off for too long, we'd never do it. As lovely as both children are, life is SHIT atm. I'm run ragged, look and feel a mess and am constantly guilt-ridden because second baby doesn't get a look-in as the toddler is so full-on. Life became unbearable at one point and we contemplated separating/divorce. Luckily, we've managed to turn a new page but please go in with your eyes open. I was told going from 0-1 child was the hardest and anything after that was a doddle- not for me. Also, worth mentioning: if you and your partner have any unresolved issues, sort them out ASAP before having a baby in the first instance but definitely before you add anymore children to the brood.