To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

DC1 was an appalling sleeper, and having had a pretty dreadful pregnancy that was one reason why we left TTC for three years. Second pregnancy was still fairly awful but not quite as bad, DC2 was still not a great sleeper but we could cope. Third pregnancy two years later was similar, DC3 similar to DC2.

It was a tough few years but I just viscerally wanted three and we managed. I love them all to bits and they've been nothing but a joy despite the tough early years.

It's more work but not double and it's hard for the first year or two but there are great upsides. They keep each other entertained so when they're toddler age and older you get more free time, when you have one it's constant one on one attention till they hit puberty. One is definitely harder as they get older. I'd always recommend a second, it's great having both my boys. They're so completely different but I love them completely.

Maybe wait another 6 - 12 months and enjoy the baby/ toddler you've got and see how you feel. It gets infinitely easier. Two is definitely harder than one (you wonder why you ever thought one was hard work) but its not double the work and really isn't as they get older. Most children appreciate having a sibling (despite the fighting), and most adults do too. The memories of the difficult times, or at least how you felt, will fade. I'm not sure many people regret giving their child a sibling, as long as they are able to within their means of course.

I found it harder to go from 0-1 to one to two children. It can trap you as an individual so much more than one. It's more than double the work as well. It's expensive and you have two whole people relying on you for 18 years. I'm not selling it, am I?

Yes yes yes worth
So much easier
And I have never ever been more happier that my children have the company of each other than during this pandemic

I wanted a second.

Now we have three.

Beware, they self replicate....

I’m waiting until DS1 is out of nursery. He is 2 now so I will wait until he is 3 in November before trying for another.

My eldest is and has always been a demanding child his only saving grace was that he slept through from around 6 weeks old. When he was 3 I discovered I was unexpectedly pregnant. I couldn't imagine how I could cope with another child and gave serious consideration to terminating the pregnancy.

Baby number 2 was the easiest, most chilled out baby. He was just very content. His only downfall was that he didn't sleep!

When number 2 was 2 we decided if we were up in the night with 1 we may as well be up with another. I would never have thought I'd ever consider a 3rd child after my first but my second was just an amazing experience.

A slight word of warning though, baby number 3 turned out to be twins!!
I won't lie, there have been days when I think we should have stopped at 2 but those days are few and far between. My twins are cheeky but the most loving children and most days they just bring so much happiness to our family!

We stuck with one because when I really thought about it....the age gap when small was big enough that they wouldn't be in the same class, or in the same year group to do out of school/after school groups together, they wouldn't be allowed in the same area as softplay or anything so the only real company our kid would have had was weekends and evenings after school. During the holidays. But, I was an only child, and I can say I liked my alone time and doing things by myself. I wouldn't want to share with a sibling or have all that noise and distraction. But I did have plenty of friends so I could have company and when I got fed up, enjoyed time alone.
Don't just have another baby to give them a friend... They might not even like each other and I only know 1 person who actually speak to their siblings as adults. If it's a sister and a brother then even more so with less in common. And if you're going to have another.. Then I'd do it now and not wait cause once the age gap keeps increasing, they have less and less in common.

I can’t advise, i had 4 😄

I get it OP. I absolutely felt like this. I would say your first is young and so are you so you can afford to wait and see how you feel.
We decided when oldest was three and a half to just leave it to fate. I worried the age gap would be too big but they are absolutely the best of friends. Personally I like the gap, my son understood what was happening, was never jealous and has been a tremendous help. He was also big enough to be proper company and old enough to trust better with a small baby

I understand how you feel .
My boys are now 23 & 20 , when they were younger it was hard work , juggling work , school, after school clubs , I am a single mum spilt with father when they were 4 & 1 ... younger one Mild autism we had our challenges along the way .
20 @ uni older has moved out . They have an absolutely beautiful relationship , same ingredients different cocktails.
Of course parenthood is hard work and has it challenges on the flip side I look at them both and think where did that time go .
As they grow life will become easier , children generally sleep through the night are potty trained , feed themselves and grow to become one dependent .
Good Lick with your decision XX

8.5 years between my two. Have Stepkids too so it’s 22,20, 10 and 2.
I or rather we just didn’t want another until when we decided when our eldest was nearly 7 and then it took til he was nearly 8 before we fell.
Never would I have wanted children close together! We’re happy with our gaps between them all. You have years to decide really and you may change your mind at anytime too so don’t think it has to be a decide now thing?!

Our planet is over populated, one is enough really.

I was going to stick at one. I left motherhood lateish because I didn't have very strong maternal instincts, so when she came and it was better than I thought it would be I didn't want to push it any further. Then my mother died and I had my two sisters with me at the hospice for those last days, people to hold onto on the pavement after she passed, to clear my mum's flat with. And then I realised that the second child wasn't for me, and it wasn't even a playmate for my daughter, it was for her for the rest her life. So I went for the second child against my instincts, and it was such, such hard work, so much harder than one, I never had one second that belonged to me, the sleepless nights felt like they'd never end and the little one had ear issues that caused nightmarish nights and hospital visits and never ever ever did I think I wish I hadn't had a second child. Not once. Both girls were a handful, they fought as much as they played, but now they're teenagers and they talk about maybe sharing a flat one day and borrow each others clothes and they're not super close but they have each other and this stage of parenting is speeding by and they'll be gone before I know it and yes, it's tough having two, but it's also fantastic and a part of me sometimes wishes I'd had three 😊

I have two, 22 & 24, it was a bit tiring when they were little but to be honest I had more trouble with DS from age 8-16 (he was an amazing calm sleeping baby/toddler), DD never needed much sleep and still doesn’t but was a lovely teen. I think often two babies are complete opposites - though the midwife put DS’s nature and sleeping habits down to me being more calm and relaxed second time around.

Dsis on the other hand had one, wanted another then had twins, followed by more twins years later (unplanned) 😂

So I think personally that a second doesn’t make that much difference, especially close in age.

Two with 17 months between them. I didn't need to factor in childcare under 5 years old though.

It was easier second time round, I did know what I was doing, and they entertained each other and argued in equal measure. Now they argue a bit more, but they are 10 & 11 now so I expected that. Both DC are fabulous and I wouldn't want to be without them, but yes double the children is double the expense.

Not just childcare when small, but holiday clubs, clothing (some hand me downs help), devices as they get older, school trips, all capped off with university 😱.

I'd have struggled with having an only though as I always knew I wanted two or three.

I was sceptical about a second. I watched my mum struggle with 2 children under 3 (my sisters are much younger than me) and said I would never do it.
Our children are 2, 7 and 11. Literally waited till the older was in full time school before having another one and I can't recommend this enough.
Having one child is perfectly fine. But my DH argument was "What happens in the future when we die - he'll be all alone." And I had to agree. Plus siblings learn soo much about the world and relationships and social cues from each other. Not to mention the amount of support and encouragement they give. It's really quite wonderful to see. And despite the constant arguments and fighting over toys and air space - they really do make the best of friends.

I have two with a 23 month age gap and I am so very glad I did. Not double the work (toddlers can be surprisingly helpful at bringing things etc to help with the baby) and so much easier and more relaxed with the second one. They’ve always loved playing together and been great friends and allies their whole lives. Now 18 and 16 (older girl, younger boy) and it’s been brilliant having them home during lockdown, messing about together, helping each other with school work, and they run or cycle together for exercise. It’s been lovely for us.

I have 4 DC and wouldn't have it any other way! in fact if I could I would have about 6 or 7 but unfortunately can't due to too many csections (3 in total) and really bad labours lots of blood loss etc etc! It really is such a bummer!! Basically I had my first and I really thought that was it no more then we decided to try for 2nd and then had 3rd just over a year later and then 4th 4years later, 2 kids is literally standing on your head easy compared to when you know nothing on your first! It's all to do with confidence in your self and also the want to have more children! My first had colic and wouldn't be put down otherwise he would cry all the time, my second I couldn't have asked for a better baby, third was nearly same as the second super chilled nearly and my fourth was so poorly and nearly died at 9 weeks then nearly died at 2years 3months old! Hes all happy and healthy now proper little bruiser! Thank god! But the love I feel for all my children and how they are makes every single minute worth it

Oh yes forgot to say mine are 11, 9, 7 and 3 1/2

Following so placing my mark

Leave it for 16 years to have your second like me 😂 at least you get a built in babysitter!

I only have one - and it was the best decision for me and circumstances at the time.

He’s 10 years old now and I wouldn’t have another - but I would adopt.

I’ve not regretted it once. I was pregnant with my second still feeding my non sleeping first. I have a 21 month gap. I can’t imagine life with just one now but also didn’t find the second that hard as I was used to the “baby bubble” of the first. We wanted to have our children close together and then move on rather than stagger it.