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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not transfer my savings to DP

261 replies

Calty123 · 24/02/2021 20:51

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 25/02/2021 08:44

OP if this is what he is like now when you are both living cheaply with your parents what is he going to be like when you move into your own home. It sounds like the start of financial abuse, I would thread very carefully OP.

Lexilooo · 25/02/2021 08:47

Tell him that he can take maternity leave and you will return to work.

Mix56 · 25/02/2021 09:03

This has " Alert" bells ringing all over...
What does he spend all his money on ?
Why in God's name would he expect you to hand over your savings? So that you are Helpless & financially dependant on him, ? He feels that if he has to pay for you & DC, then he wants a guarantee you won't have any freedom, ie POWER.
He has no idea about what living costs are as a family.
You need to sketch up a list of: rent, elec, gas, rates, insurance, cars, petrol, car ins, phones, internet, food, nappies, & all baby necessities.
tell him, the sum of this is likely to be what "the family" will need just to survive. That's without, extras, ie. all he is currently wasting his money on, gaming, betting, smoking, beer, clothing.
Tell him you will not be spending your savings on subbing the monthly expenditure, because, that's what savings are, savings for unexpected costs, like washing machine breaking, or worse, if you lose your job.. (like when he lost HIS job.)
If he cannot get on board with reality of these projected finances, & being a father, partner & adult, then he can jog on immediately.
Set this in stone, now.

BottleFlipper · 25/02/2021 09:07

The only positive about all this is that he's let his mask slip before you've got in even further. Just leave. Looking at the Relationships board there's so many women who have been taken advantage of financially (at best, worst even financially abused) lately but you have a chance to nip this in the bud right now.

BrownFootStool · 25/02/2021 09:10

He doesn't contribute to food or your baby, he didn't bother to find work and spent his savings and now wants yours?

Ummmm

fartypantsmummy · 25/02/2021 09:13

I think the fact that you need to ask is a sign of how much you are doubting yourself and how much he hasn't got your back. As someone who has got themselves into a marriage with a cocklodger themselves PLEASE don't ever split your savings with him. You will NEVER get that money back and he will NEVER contribute quite frankly because he knows he doesn't have to. He can rely on you to deal with things - take care. x

fartypantsmummy · 25/02/2021 09:18

And another thing - he won't ever change but you will. You will turn into someone who puts up with shit they shouldn't have to and that no one else would. Stay close to your parents - you may need them in the future.

BertramLacey · 25/02/2021 09:19

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.

Like others, I read this as him worrying about the amount of your money he could take with him if he left you. Him buying the occasional takeaway and gift does not make him generous. Those are on his terms and they aren't regular. If he were truly generous he would be contributing equally or in fact more than you, in line with his earnings. Sorry OP but he does not strike me as a good long term prospect, or as a good father.

Twillow · 25/02/2021 09:19

I'd point out to him that as he spent £8000 of his own savings in 4 months, you do not trust him to look after any of yours if you transferred it.
In essence he is asking for you to PAY him in case you leave him???
I know you've already decided not to do it, good for you.
I hope you can have an adult agreement about how to finance family life without you being entirely responsible for shopping and baby costs particularly on a reduced income. Equally, that resentment could be what splits you up. How were home and family finances managed while he was unemployed?

Livelovebehappy · 25/02/2021 09:19

Nope. YANBU. And I would worry about living with someone with this kind of attitude.

Kissingspines · 25/02/2021 09:20

I really hope you are not buying a house together. Who is paying what - deposit, fees, mortgage, bills and what not (not to mention service charges if it’s a leasehold new build), and how will you own the house, jointly or shares according to deposit and mortgage?

It’s going to be a shock to the system if you’ve both been living with your parents.

I reckon your savings will be all gone in a few months just paying for stuff for the new house and paying the mortgage and bills, if he’s used to frittering his money away, and that’s without giving over half of them.

What did he spend his money on while he was without a job? Was it his share of food and bills or was it mostly crap?

How are you going to manage when your maternity payments end?

HOkieCOkie · 25/02/2021 09:20

Erm no do not do that!!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 25/02/2021 09:29

No. Does he not understand that he has a child and shares the responsibility to support his child?

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2021 09:37

How do intelligent women get sucked in to these situations?

CecilyP · 25/02/2021 09:38

he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings.

So he spent £2000 per month while having minimal essential outgoings. At that time, you were working and contributing fully so what exactly was he spending it on? Since then he has been earning £2000 per month, so same question. Assume you were earning similar before your maternity leave and making considerable savings. That is a huge joint income for a couple with few outgoings yet he couldn’t save anything. Unless you work out where exactly it has all gone and do it together, I don’t think moving to the new place is a good idea. And definitely don’t give him your savings!

BertramLacey · 25/02/2021 09:40

I'd point out to him that as he spent £8000 of his own savings in 4 months, you do not trust him to look after any of yours if you transferred it.

Where's that figure from? The OP says they'd built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. If you have no other income, it's easy for 3k to go on bills in 4 months.

BertramLacey · 25/02/2021 09:41

I mean he sounds like a feckless twat, but just not quite that much of a feckless twat.

KameliaKat · 25/02/2021 09:42

I would certainly not be transfering anything. YANBU.

Outbutnotoutout · 25/02/2021 09:52

Nope!!!

He should pay half of all rent, bills, food etc

And half all the baby's needs

You have been sensible and saved he hasn't

I would probably bin him off TBH, but if not make him takes responsibility

Rupertbeartrousers · 25/02/2021 09:52

I could (just about) think it was acceptable for him to try to be super frugal now he is in work to try to build his savings back up while you’re living low-rent, but your child should not go without and you certainly shouldn’t be handing him cash. That’s your safety net which you will struggle to add to now you have a baby.

I would be seriously worried about building a life with this man. Being on the same page with financial matters is one of the most important things for a healthy relationship, particularly in marriage. You aren’t married so he has no claim on your resources. Don’t be pressured into putting yourself into a financially vulnerable position which makes it difficult/impossible to leave.

billy1966 · 25/02/2021 09:53

God help you having had a child with such a waster.

Stay close to your poor parents, you are going to need them.

What must they think of such a loser, living rent free in their house, not paying for anything, and trying to gaslight you into handing over your savings.

Your relationship bar must be absolutely on the floor to this this excuse of a man constitutes good father material.

Please protect yourself from him.
Get support from your parents and tell them the truth.
You must be so vulnerable to be in this situation.

notalwaysalondoner · 25/02/2021 09:55

Unbelievable. The baby and food and rent are costs, not optional things for him to chip into. The fact you have higher savings is irrelevant. He seems to think that if you’d just met and you had £10k in savings and he had £2k that means he shouldn’t pay a penny towards costs but that doesn’t make sense - costs need to be paid out of joint income, not savings. Savings are for either emergencies or for big expenses like holidays or houses. He needs to contribute 50% of the costs out of his income - especially when he’s earning more than you right now! It’s irrelevant if he’d feel “more comfortable” doing this if he had more savings - too bad!! He’s earning, he needs to pay!!!

kunterbunting · 25/02/2021 09:55

I'm glad you won't be doing it, OP.

If I were you, I wouldn't be moving in with him either.

Why don't people sort this kind of stuff out before they move in together, never mind have children?

CecilyP · 25/02/2021 10:15

Where's that figure from? The OP says they'd built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. If you have no other income, it's easy for 3k to go on bills in 4 months.

Yeah I got that wrong too. So after 4 months he was down to zero and she was still at £3000. Since then she has saved a further £7000 and he has saved about £2000, so the questions still stand.

Lampzade · 25/02/2021 10:17

Op.
Please don’t do this

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