To not transfer my savings to DP

[Calty123]

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

[LittleOwl153]

How much are you spending each month currently? Aren't you effectively giving him that in free living expenses and child costs? Maybe you should add that up and tell him what he owes you for the past few months...

[oil0W0lio]

thinks giving them large sums of money to spend on Fortnite & Roblox makes him the best father in the world.. In the boys eyes maybe, to everyone else utter arsehole! Why men like this exist I shall never know!
it's a way to score points with the boys so that they will be loyal to him over you (because he facilitates the cool fun things) whilst at the same time making you angry and making life more difficult for you.
It's a an entirely successful strategy for him....in the short term, ultimately your boys will understand who cares about their wellbeing(you) rather than just earning easy points to look good (him)

[mathanxiety]

The money he spends on occasional takeaways and presents that are opened and seen by others is strategic. It's an investment in his own good image with other people.

He doesn't care about how he comes across to you. He takes you for granted.

I would like to know what he was doing instead of looking for a job for four months and where his money goes if he doesn't contribute to bills and has so little in savings.

Are there other women?
Does he gamble?

[Jimbleyjumb]

I have to admit I agree with the PPs in that his view of your financials is distorted. I'd have probably recommended sitting down to have the conversation about the finances before the baby came along as you'd be able to list what the outgoings are and determine the best plan to pay for them. It sounds like the horse has bolted now and unfortunately he's being selfish. This is his child and he needs to take responsibility. He's seems insecure and hence asking for this financial commitment from your savings but that doesn't make it right and I would definitely make sure you keep them. If they're for the purposes of buying a house then they'll become joint eventually.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and show how much you're spending on your joint expenses but yet you have less money coming in. He may not need to put the full £2k into the joint account as half of that could cover everything easily and leave some room so that might be a compromise. Then he can use the remaining money for his own savings and stop making it sound like the responsibility is on you to pick up the strain of everything.

[Mummaofboys93]

@anotheruser02 DS1 & DS2 father gives me absolutely zilch out of his very good self employed wage, I buy all of their essentials & my DP offered me money in September for school uniform & in my eyes theure not his responsibility financially! Yet DS1 & DS2 father thinks giving them large sums of money to spend on Fortnite & Roblox makes him the best father in the world.. In the boys eyes maybe, to everyone else utter arsehole! Why men like this exist I shall never know!

[Anotheruser02]

@Aweebawbee

Quick question. If my understanding is correct, you managed to increase your savings by 7k in the space of time that it took him to re-save 2k. Why was there such a difference?

I read it like he didn't start looking for a job for 4 months, not that he didn't land a job and start employment until that time. It's not a stretch that he could have actually been out of work for 5 or 6 months. I think you could deplete 3k in that time so OP would have original £3k plus 5/6 months more savings (which would be high if she's living with her parents) before he even starts to build he's again.

[123becauseicouldntthinkofone]

Just WOW, the fact that he has brought up you leaving makes me question if the thought is in his head to leave to be quite honest. given the way he treats you it also may be the best option. Good luck OP but do NOT transfer any money for yours and your childs sake.

[Anotheruser02]

He is generous when he can appear generous like he is doing you a favour, he leaves you short for essentials because he wont get the same hero status for paying the rent that's boring and not a treat.
My Son's father gives me a stunning £25 a week out of his (self employed) wage, he has a handsome standard of living, flash car and my Son is in (very tacky) expensive designer cloths there and has £20 of robux at a time, because revolting popularity seeking men love to be seen to spend and be generous, but actually will leave you short of the things you need that wouldn't cover them in glory if they helped you with them.

[Jacketpotato84]

Good question^^^that might tip the scales a bit

[Aweebawbee]

Quick question. If my understanding is correct, you managed to increase your savings by 7k in the space of time that it took him to re-save 2k. Why was there such a difference?

[TheyIsMyFamily]

Kick his selfish arse to the kerb.

imagine not paying for himself at least, let alone towards the care of his own child while you're on maternity leave!

Tell him you're filing a claim for child support immediately.

[RedToothBrush]

He isn’t usually tight, he will pay for takeaways and treat my family too, sometimes fills my car up and was generous on my birthday and Christmas etc but he’s being odd about this.

This isn't being generous. This is the equivalent of a man giving you flowers when he's feeling guilty for being out all night drinking with his mates and generally being a tosser.

He's doing this so he can say 'but look how nice and generous I am' so he can get the attention and feel good factor for giving. When it comes to the boring everyday stuff he's not interested because he isn't being aplauded and congratulated for it. This is a massive red flag in addition to the other one about wanting all your savings.

It screams in combination financial abuse.

I really would not be surprise if he wants your savings and then will leg it. Even if you catch up with him, you won't get the money back and at best, he'll be using your own money to pay maintainence.

Run for the hills from his man. He doesn't do responsibility. He's immature and only wants to do the fun stuff. He will ruin your life if you stay with him any longer. Get out whilst you can.

[okstretch]

He isn’t usually tight, he will pay for takeaways and treat my family too, sometimes fills my car up and was generous on my birthday and Christmas etc but he’s being odd about this

That must have really eaten into his £2000 a month.

He showed you what he was like when he failed to look for a new job for months but it's worse now he isn't providing for his child.

You surely don't really think this is ok?

[WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly]

@MrKlaw

you pay your maternity allowance into joint account. He pays wages into joint account. You pay all bills including food etc (no idea why so often this is left out of 'bills'). Whats left is then available for savings.

IMO thats your baseline. What then happens to that savings is a separate discussion. As you're not earning he may consider any spare money to go into his savings. You may prefer a split, or you're ok with that and you revisit once you're back at work and earning

Would you pool your money with this dick?

Why do mumsnetters always advise what they would do (with their presumably trustworthy and financially solvent husbands), rather than what is best for the OP?

OP: My boyfriend has spunked away £8k of his savings, and now he's asking for me to transfer all my savings to him. He won't pay for our baby and I have to buy everything out of my reduced maternity pay.

Mumsnetter: HIS savings??? I will never understand having separate money. Give him a your internet banking passwords and the PIN number for your credit card, this is surely FAMILY MONEY. That's the fairest way!

It's madness.

[SortingItOut]

I think you've posted before about your partner and his money.

I can't remember exactly why you left your last rented home and wasnt he spending money on something you didn't agree with - was it a car or something?

[Mummaofboys93]

Something doesn't ring right to me OP. Do not transfer any money to him. Even your last reply of he isn't usually tight he pays for take aways & you talk about him buying you stiff for birthdays or treating your family.. That isn't exactly contributing is it?

If you're also paying for the majority of things atm then where is his 2k a month going other than his car & phone? Surely he should be able to start saving again?

The fact you both keep money seprate is fine, not every couple do everything jointly. But the fact he gives you nothing for your DC I find very unfair. Regardless of what others have bought you & what your DC already has?! My friend & her partner keep their money seprate & he transfers her £300 a month for their daughter. They live together & share all the bills, yet he still pays for his child 🤷‍♀️

I would personally be thinking twice about moving in together at this point.

[MrDarcysMa]

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship op.

[Timbucktime]

I wouldn’t give your boyfriend any of your savings

[1WayOrAnother2]

Glad to see you know that you are right!

Once you both decided to have children - they became a joint venture :) - all costs, including your lost wages, should be shared.

He contribution to household costs isn't generous - it is owed!

[TurquoiseDress]

Wow

Do not transfer a penny of your hard earned savings!

[BLToutanowhere]

He's got his eyes on the door. Don't transfer anything.

You're his family, he pays his way.

[Sarah75Lou]

No way, you need your savings op.

[cathybates]

WTF is wrong with these men and why do so many women on MN stand for it?! I’m taking 6 months unpaid leave with our second and DH is paying for everything with his wage. I have about 45k more in savings than him (and soon to be a lot more as I’m selling a flat I own) and he’s not asking for a penny. Until I stopped getting paid we split absolutely everything 50/50 (as we pretty much earn the same). We both put equal amounts into a bills account and all our utilities come out of there, we have a credit card in my name with him as additional user and all household (food, baby stuff, eating out etc) goes on that and then we both pay it equally at end month.

Tell this cocklodger to do one!!!!

[Kissingspines]

Has he realised if you split up he’ll need to find somewhere else to live, pay for his food and bills and pay child support?

[Youllbeoldertoo]

@Calty123

What’s clear here as he doesn’t see you as a family. Which is a probably the most upsetting. You’re not ready to see he’s not as nice as you think he is, I hope you protect yourself OP as it’s going to get harder with him not easier. Good luck.