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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not transfer my savings to DP

261 replies

Calty123 · 24/02/2021 20:51

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years. Neither of us had any savings when we first got together. We agreed we wanted to start saving at the same time and built up around 3k each - he then lost his job, didn’t put any effort into finding a new one for about 4 months and spent all of his savings. Fast forward to now he has around 2k maybe and I have around 10k. I was made redundant and then got pregnant so my only income is now maternity allowance of around £600 a month. He still earns about 2k a month.

DP thinks I should transfer him some of my savings (we do have a joint account but both have separate accounts for savings) and then he would be happy to put his wage into the joint account every month for me to use for food and baby, rather than at the moment I spend all my maternity allowance on food/baby/rent and he doesn’t really contribute that much. He will give me £30 for food here and there if I say I’ve not got anything left for the month but he doesn’t give me his card to go to the shop and it’s always me that goes so I end up paying. If I’m ordering things online for baby he does sometimes pay.

His reasoning is that if I decide to leave him then I’ve still got all my savings and he will still only have 2k as we will have spent his wage every month.
We’re waiting for our house to be finished so only pay very minimal bills to my parents currently and both pay for our own cars, phones etc but when we move out in the next month or so he will pay majority household bills.

Would you transfer some of your savings?
YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:

TheyIsMyFamily · 25/02/2021 13:17

Kick his selfish arse to the kerb.

imagine not paying for himself at least, let alone towards the care of his own child while you're on maternity leave!

Tell him you're filing a claim for child support immediately.

Aweebawbee · 25/02/2021 13:27

Quick question. If my understanding is correct, you managed to increase your savings by 7k in the space of time that it took him to re-save 2k. Why was there such a difference?

Jacketpotato84 · 25/02/2021 13:31

Good question^^^that might tip the scales a bit

Anotheruser02 · 25/02/2021 14:00

He is generous when he can appear generous like he is doing you a favour, he leaves you short for essentials because he wont get the same hero status for paying the rent that's boring and not a treat.
My Son's father gives me a stunning £25 a week out of his (self employed) wage, he has a handsome standard of living, flash car and my Son is in (very tacky) expensive designer cloths there and has £20 of robux at a time, because revolting popularity seeking men love to be seen to spend and be generous, but actually will leave you short of the things you need that wouldn't cover them in glory if they helped you with them.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 25/02/2021 14:05

Just WOW, the fact that he has brought up you leaving makes me question if the thought is in his head to leave to be quite honest. given the way he treats you it also may be the best option. Good luck OP but do NOT transfer any money for yours and your childs sake.

Anotheruser02 · 25/02/2021 14:09

@Aweebawbee

Quick question. If my understanding is correct, you managed to increase your savings by 7k in the space of time that it took him to re-save 2k. Why was there such a difference?

I read it like he didn't start looking for a job for 4 months, not that he didn't land a job and start employment until that time. It's not a stretch that he could have actually been out of work for 5 or 6 months. I think you could deplete 3k in that time so OP would have original £3k plus 5/6 months more savings (which would be high if she's living with her parents) before he even starts to build he's again.

Mummaofboys93 · 25/02/2021 14:12

@anotheruser02 DS1 & DS2 father gives me absolutely zilch out of his very good self employed wage, I buy all of their essentials & my DP offered me money in September for school uniform & in my eyes theure not his responsibility financially! Yet DS1 & DS2 father thinks giving them large sums of money to spend on Fortnite & Roblox makes him the best father in the world.. In the boys eyes maybe, to everyone else utter arsehole! Why men like this exist I shall never know!

Jimbleyjumb · 25/02/2021 14:22

I have to admit I agree with the PPs in that his view of your financials is distorted. I'd have probably recommended sitting down to have the conversation about the finances before the baby came along as you'd be able to list what the outgoings are and determine the best plan to pay for them. It sounds like the horse has bolted now and unfortunately he's being selfish. This is his child and he needs to take responsibility. He's seems insecure and hence asking for this financial commitment from your savings but that doesn't make it right and I would definitely make sure you keep them. If they're for the purposes of buying a house then they'll become joint eventually.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and show how much you're spending on your joint expenses but yet you have less money coming in. He may not need to put the full £2k into the joint account as half of that could cover everything easily and leave some room so that might be a compromise. Then he can use the remaining money for his own savings and stop making it sound like the responsibility is on you to pick up the strain of everything.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2021 17:33

The money he spends on occasional takeaways and presents that are opened and seen by others is strategic. It's an investment in his own good image with other people.

He doesn't care about how he comes across to you. He takes you for granted.

I would like to know what he was doing instead of looking for a job for four months and where his money goes if he doesn't contribute to bills and has so little in savings.

Are there other women?
Does he gamble?

oil0W0lio · 25/02/2021 17:47

thinks giving them large sums of money to spend on Fortnite & Roblox makes him the best father in the world.. In the boys eyes maybe, to everyone else utter arsehole! Why men like this exist I shall never know!
it's a way to score points with the boys so that they will be loyal to him over you (because he facilitates the cool fun things) whilst at the same time making you angry and making life more difficult for you.
It's a an entirely successful strategy for him....in the short term, ultimately your boys will understand who cares about their wellbeing(you) rather than just earning easy points to look good (him)

LittleOwl153 · 27/02/2021 21:18

How much are you spending each month currently? Aren't you effectively giving him that in free living expenses and child costs? Maybe you should add that up and tell him what he owes you for the past few months...

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